Jokes

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me! I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. God must love stupid people; He made so many. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! Procrastinate Now! I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that? A hangover is the wrath of grapes. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson. Make your words sweet & tender today, for tomorrow you may have to eat them.

An American businesswoman had to visit UK for about 3 months on business. She asked her husband what she should bring for the husband. "Bring me an English girl" said the husband naughtily. "OK" said the wife. After 3 months the husband went to the airport to pick up his wife. "Where is my English girl?" he asked. "Well, dear, I did every possible thing I could do to get a girl for you. She would be there in about 7 months' time, but don't you blame me if it turns out to be a baby boy!" answered the wife.

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.". I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?" "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I went with risk instead."

After officiating at a baptism the priest was invited back to the parents home for tea and cake. He changed out of his vestments and went to the home where one little 4-year old boy kept staring at his white collar. The priest finally said to the little boy, "Do you know what the white collar means that I am wearing?" "Yes I do.", the little boy said. "It means that you won't have flees or ticks for three months."

The cool part about naming your kid is you don’t have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.

My 13-year-old grandson spent a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!” He reply: “I can only dream.”

I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!” A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!” So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?” He says, “My brother might be coming.”

Last week at Walmart my wife let me push the cart instead of riding in it!

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.” Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Dear Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!” “Dear Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.” “Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!

How do you make a tissue dance? A: You put a little boogie in it!

Husband: What happened honey? Wife: I have severe neck pain. Husband: I'm going out to shop. Do you need anything for your neck? Wife: Yeah. One necklace!!

Kid: Why is some of your hair white dad? Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. Kid: Now I understand why grandpa’s hair is all white!

It's dinner time. Mom tell her 4 year old son to give a call to his dad to get home early for dinner together. Mom: "Son, please give your father a call and tell him to come back early, we'll having dinner together" Son: "Yes ,mom." A moment later...dialing... Son:" Mom...someone had pick up the call...but..." Mom: "But what?" Son: "It sounds like a..." Mom: "Any problem with that?" Son:"No mom..." Mom: "So?" Son: "hmm..." Mom: "Make sure tell your dad to come back early..." Son: "Yeah...but...that's not dad, is...a women's voice..." Mom:"What!!!" His mom getting angry with this... Soon,daddy went home. Dad:"Hey darling,I'm back..." Mom(angry): "MAKE SURE TO CLEAN YOURSELF FIRST! DON'T TRY TO LIE IN THIS FAMILY!!!" Dad: "Hey??? What I've done....?" They argue for a long time... Dad goes straight to his room and mom sits on the sofa. After a while... Son: "Mom, please don't angry..." Mom: "Your father betrayed us, he had another women... (mom crying) Son:"Don't cry mom, father won't leave us and the women told me to try later..." Mom: "Gosh!!! what else she told you?" Son: She told me that, "The number you've dial is out of coverage, please try later."

I've always been confused between the definition of right and wrong. When I was a kid my parents would say, "Boy, you have done wrong." I'd say, "Is that right?" They would say, "Yes."

We were all in the hospital for the last time with our family and at some point my Aunt asked who of us want coffee. We were all die hard coffee drinkers and we all agreed so my aunt said "ok, i'll bring full tray". My Grandpa lifted his head for the last time and said "rather bring the coffee in a cup, it's so hard to drink from the tray" He was Amazing...

One day teacher asked Sam if his father helped him with his homework. Sam simply said - “No, he did it all by himself”!

Q: How do you get a family photo taken if you can't afford to buy one? A: Sit the family in the front seat and run a red light.

Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, “There is a easy way to get what you want.” The other boy said, “How?” the boy replied, “Tell people you know their secret.” The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, “I know your secret!” The dad replies, “Please don’t tell your mom here’s $10.” The boy then runs to his mom, “I know your secret!” The mom said, “Please don’t tell your dad here’s $15.” The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, “I know your secret!” The mail man opened his arms and said, “Come, give your dad a hug!”

The little boy was so excited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother. He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, “I’m getting a brother.” One day his mom allowed him to feel the baby’s kicks in her belly. The next day he came to school and didn’t say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happened to his brother. He replied, “I think mommy ate him.”

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful,’ he said,‘ CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’ The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving."

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

One man says to another man, "I nicknamed my wife after a flower. I call her 'Rose." Second man says, "I nicknamed my wife after a flower also! I call her snapdragon!"

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to buzz off!!!!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

A couple went to the psychiatrist with their twins, as they seemed to be completely opposite. The doctor noted that one was a Pessimist and one was an optimist. He put the pessimist in a room filled with new toys. He then, put the optimist in a room full of horse poop. After a period of time, they looked into the pessimist's room and he was stepping on and breaking all the toys, saying, "I don't like these....none of them!" They went to the optimist's room that was full of manure, about chest deep and found the little boy yelling, "Whee! Whee!", and throwing handfuls of manure up in the air. They asked him why he was doing that and he replied, "With all this horse poop in here, there's bound to be a pony somewhere!"

A lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young lad found it and returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy replied, "That IS funny. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

Husband calling wife on her cell phone: Did you just try to call me? Wife: No I didn't. Why? Husband: Well my phone didn't ring and I just wanted to make sure it was you who wasn't calling!

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $20 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"