Jokes

When Santa came home, his wife, Jeeto, was crying."Your mother insulted me," Jeeto sobbed."My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the country?" Santa asked."I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.""And?""At the end of the letter it said, 'Dear Jeeto, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"

Lazy Husband"I`m ashamed of the way we live," wife said to her lazy husband, our Santa, who refused to find a job."My father pays our rent, my mother buys all of our food, my sister buys our clothes, my aunt bought us a car. I`m just so ashamed."Santa rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a thing!"

There are three men in the military practicing skydiving. The first man jumps out and a swiss army knife falls out of his pocket. The second man jumps out and a kitchen knife falls out of his pocket. The third jumps out and a grenade falls out of his pocket. When they land, they go and look for the things they drop because they could have really hurt someone.The first man is running along the street and sees a little boy crying. "Little boy, why are you crying?" he asks. The boy says, "A swiss army knife fell out of the sky and killed my cat!"The second man is running along a street and sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, why are you crying?" he asks. The girl says, "A big kitchen knife fell from the sky and killed my puppy!"The third man is running down a street and sees a little boy laughing hysterically. "Little boy, why are you laughing?" he asks. The boy says, "My dad farted and the house blew up!"

I'm going to watch my wedding video later "backwards". I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

Dad I think the Smiths next door are angry at us.” “Why is that?” “They’re probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can’t.” “How could you possibly know that? We don’t even subscribe to the paper.” “Yeah, that’s probably got something to do with it, too.”

A Policeman came to my door yesterday and asked, “Where were you between four and six?” So I said, "Probably in kindergarten or first grade.”

Haven’t verified this on Snopes but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Today, in the UK, the average man has 1.7 children. I was told this fact by my 0.3 brother.

" Dad who built the Suez Canal" " I don't know son" " Dad who discovered penicillin " " I've no idea son" " Dad what's the capital of Italy " " I ain't got a clue son" "Dad you don't mind me asking all these questions do you" "No son, if you don't ask you won't learn anything "

The difference between complete and finished? If you marry the right one, that's complete. If you marry the wrong one, that's finished. If you marry the right one and then get caught with the wrong one, that's completely finished. From Readers Digest

A little boy was about to eat a plate full of his delicious meal. When his mom noticed his urge to eat the food, she quickly asked him, "Have you said your prayer before eating that meal?" The boy replied, "No, I won't because I don't want to give away 10% of my dinner."

It was an elegant dinner party and the hostess had left nothing to chance, except that a little water had splashed on the marble floor. And when the waiter came into the dining room carrying the beautiful roast suckling pig, he slipped and fell flat, sending the roast flying. “Don’t worry, Tomas,” said the hostess calmly. “Just take the roast back to the kitchen and bring out the other one.”

"Whom would you like to invite for your upcoming wedding ceremony?" Father asked his son "All except you and mom" the Son replied "But why" Father angrily shouted "Had you bothered to invite me for your ceremony!" the Son pleaded.

A woman sent her son to get a tin of beans from the store. The boy went and found nobody at the store except the shopkeeper who was up the ladder filling up his shelves. 'Give me a tin of beans for my mother,' said the boy. The keeper, from up there told him: 'Wait in the line.' The boy looked around and saw nobody so he said again: 'Give me a tin of beans for my mum.' The keeper said again: 'I told wait for your turn.' The boy asked for the third time for the tin of beans. 'Can you see how many people there are before you? I said wait for your turn!' The boy, who realizes he was being taken for ride, reached for a tin of peas from the lowest shelf and through it at the shopkeeper, hitting him in his forehead. The Shopkeeper came down bleeding all over and said to the boy: 'See what you have done? You broke my head.' 'Good grief, of all these people you picked up on me?' said the boy and ran away home.

While living in Denver the weatherman said, expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight so park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side. Willie’s wife ran out and parked on the right side. The next week the forecast called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time he said park on the left side. So Willie’s wife ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. The following week he said 16 inches of snow expected park, the lights went out and all our power was lost. Willie’s wife said, my goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!” Willie said.

Mr. White and his wife went for a gathering. At commencement of the program, the MC said the people were going to be grouped into two. He said "those whose wives' are the head of the family move to the left-hand side of the auditorium, while those whose husbands are the head of the family should move to the right". Mr. White asked his wife "Honey, which group should we move to?"

Little Peter was taking his new puppy for a walk when a policeman stopped him. “Has your dog got a license?” The policeman asked. “Oh, no,” answered Peter. “He’s not old enough to drive.”

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.” He says. “A Torah scholar, Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?” “I will study,” the young man said, and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.” “And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

As I was watching my 12 year old son putting a model car together and getting more frustrated by the minute until he was screaming. I walked in the kitchen and calmly said “Tom" you know what they say about patience and he looked up at me and said "I know Mom patience is a VIRGIN" I just smiled and said well yes you could say that too.

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.

The Substitute Tooth Fairy I was leaving for a two-day conference, and my seven-year-old daughter, Katherine, was becoming overly clinging and teary. I was mystified at her emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?"

One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager." She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."

A young man driving his convertible car with his loud music and cool demeanor pulls up to a stop light next to this young mother and 4 year old son. The little boy looks at the man and turns to his mom and says; “poor man his car is broken.”

Did you hear about this group of professional nannies that have formed a business, similar to the TV show called "The Nanny," where they go into people's homes and help parents with out-of-control children? The name of their new business: The "SWAT" Team

One day a little girl was sitting on her grandpa's knee playing with his long beard and patting his baldhead, and asked "Did God make me?" "Yes my dear" her grandpa replied. "Did God make you?” she asked. "Yes he did" he replied again she then said "well he sure does a better job these days doesn’t he.

"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."

Children would all be brought up perfectly if families would just swap kids. Everyone knows what ought to be done with the neighbor’s kids.

A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.

The comments of a young mother: Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.

Two buddies were having a chat. Said one, "You know, I can trace my ancestors up the Family Tree." The other responded," That's so? Well, far as l know, there are only two things that live on trees: Them's birds and monkeys, and I see that you ain't got no feathers."