Jokes

The man of the house was getting frustrated with his yard. The grass just wasn't growing, wasn't green and lush like he had expected. He tried weed-n-feed, extra watering, and reseeding. His grass just wouldn't grow. The angry man sat down in the middle of his yard, and yelled out, "Why aren't you happy, grass, I've done everything for you!" The grass replied, "Because I'm just not in the mood, dude. Don't you know what I am? I am crab grass! Now leave me alone. I am really not in the mood!"

A son of two parents found out a way to get money from almost anyone. He first went up to his mom said, "I know your secret." She said, "Here is 20 bucks, don't tell anyone." He then went up to his dad and said, "I know your secret." He said, "Here is 20 bucks, don't tell anyone." He saw the mailman and ran up to him and said, "I know your secret." The mailman said, "Here is 20 bucks, now get in the truck, son."

This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night, the doorbell rings. The first kid at the door says, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The father, mildly amused, answers, "Yes." The second kid comes to the door and says, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" The guy, now perplexed, answers, "Yes." A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again. A kid says, 'Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?' The guy, becoming annoyed, answers, "Yes." The doorbell rings one more time, and a kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Chuck . . . " The father shot him.

My wife told me that I did not love any of her relatives... I told her that is not true. I said, "I love your mother-in-law and father-in-law much more than I love mine."

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her there, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart." 

One night, a torrential rain storm soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. She saw it float far out into the front yard then float back to the house. It kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that there baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, that's my husband. I told that jackass he gonna cut the grass today come hell or high water!"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I just had the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using Female products.....correct? A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. * Insert Twilight Zone theme here * Ok....A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it. The next month (T.O.M) I go back to the cupboard.....and VOILA....there is only ONE tampon left again. What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it. WELL.....I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD....at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves. I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them?????? I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?" I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "COME HERE!!!!" They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet. I said "What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!" My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent. My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles... What do YOU use them for?" "NEVER MIND!! GO PLAY!!!!"

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' `Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma

Two men were having a conservation about their grandfathers. One man says, "I was very upset when my grandpa died." The other man asks him, "How'd he die?" The first man responds by saying, "World War II." The other man questions him further. "Died in battle?" "No he was skiing in Vermont. It was just during World War II."

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your bloody hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm pissed off that you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." (You're going to love the Dad's reply!) "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

Joey goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom please? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be getting lucky tonight." The Pharmacist gives him the condom but as soon as he does Joey tells him, "Give me another condom because my girlfriends sister is also very cute too and always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when I am around, I think I might get lucky with her too." The Pharmacist gives him another condom and as he was about to leave Joey returned and requested for a third. "My girlfriend's mom is really cute and she always makes eye contact when I'm around and since she invited me for dinner I think she might be expecting me to make a move." During the dinner Joey sits down with his girlfriend on the right, her sister on the left and her mom facing him. When the dad walks in. Joey lowers his and starts the dinner prayer. "Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given us..." Ten minutes later Joey is still praying. His girlfriend now surprised gets close to him and whispers, "I didn't know you where this religious." Joey with his head still bowed in prayer replied "I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist!"

Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" "No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice women, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" "Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find one who's just like your dear ol' Mother?" Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again. "So Ron. Did you find the perfect woman yet? One that's just like your Mother?" Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends." "Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?" "I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along. Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy 5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat. A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts: "Dad, if you think you're getting screwed in there, you'd better come outside, 'cause there's a Shriner's convention going past."

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the father woke up his son. Father: Look up to the sky and tell me what you see. Son: I see millions of stars... Father: And what does that tell you? Son: Astronomically, it tells me that, there are millions of galaxies and planets out there! Father slaps the son hard on his hand and says, "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.

Dying wife to her husband: Wife: I know you'll marry again someday. She will live in this house and sleep in our bed, and use my dishes. And that's alright. But I want you to promise me something. Husband: What's that honey? Wife: I don't want your 2nd wife to wear my clothes. Husband: Alright I promise. Your clothes won't fit Betty anyhow.

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? " Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?" The father says, "I hope you SHOT that sorry excuse for a dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. Chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?" "I will if those useless jerks at the lumber yard ever bring us the f@#@$'n drywall," replied the little girl.

I have had a really good grades since the first grade, my mother is always proud of me every time she sees my report card. Good thing she doesn't know I always show her the same report card.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, brewing beer, watching TV. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

God made a man and then rested. God made a woman and then no one rested.

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30PM after work. His wife screams at him while his friend sits and listens in. "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the heck did you bring him home?" Calmly the husband replies, "Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo."

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 girls and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies, “The one on the right.” “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?” The mother replies, “I don’t like her."

A boy's grandma doesn't like eating her medicine. So the boy goes to the doctor and asked what he can do. The doctor tells him a trick. Put the medicine in the middle of some sweets! So the boy buys some sweets and puts medicine in them. When he gets home he give them to Grandma to eat. After eating her sweets the Grandson told his Grandma, “I am very happy to see that you have eaten all the sweets.” Grandma replied, “Yes I ate all my sweets but I didn’t like the seeds inside them so I removed them before eating my sweets.”

Son: Dad, I want to get married. Father: First, tell me you're sorry. Son: For what? Father: Say sorry. Son: But for what ? What did I do? Father: Just say sorry. Son: But...what have i done wrong ? Father: Say sorry! Son: WHY? Father: Say sorry!! Son: Please, just tell me why? Father: Say sorry!!! Son: OK, Dad...i'm sorry! Father: There ! You're finished training. When you learn to say sorry for no reason at all, then you're ready to get married!