Jokes

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of an extended visit of old Aunt Emma. For seven long weeks she lived with them, always nagging, always demanding. Finally she decided to leave. On the way back from driving her to the airport, the husband confessed to his wife, "Honey, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all this time." His wife looked at him aghast. "MY Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was YOUR Aunt Emma!"

My collection of kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen. The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a garage sale... it's a pooper-scooper.

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight," she said, happy that Sunday school education was having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom, how do you spell zilla?"

When I was a teenager, I worked as a bagger for the local supermarket. One of the rules there was baggers cannot accept tips when helping people bring groceries to their car. One day I was putting groceries in an old man's car. When he was finished he said, "Here young man. I want you to have a picture of your uncle George." What it really was, was a dollar bill. Thinking quickly, I pocketed the 'picture'. I then asked him, "Have any pictures of my grandfathers Ulysses and/or Benjamin?"

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted. When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A new wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first Easter together. She carefully cut off each end of the ham before placing it in the pan. Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know, it's what my mother always did. But I can ask her." She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same." They decided to check further, so the young woman called Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."

Dear Mom & Dad: We're having a great time here at Lake Typhoid! Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Billy P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

One week before her wedding, a mother pulls aside her daughter (and bride-to-be). She says, "I will now give you the advice that has been passed down from generation to generation, from woman to woman." The daughter listened attentively, curious as to what the advice would be.The mom continued, "Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him for the whole weekend."

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand. “Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked. “He died and went to heaven,” she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, “And God threw him back down?”

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them." Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again." The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this one!" she exclaimed.

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. "Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk. "It's designed to adjust the child to live in today's world, ma'am," the shop assistant replied. "So basically, any way he tries to put it together is wrong."

He didn't tell his mother he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mom and her younger brother, "Nobody loves me...the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word... "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

It was Thanksgiving day and the hall bathroom was not working. There was another bathroom off the master bedroom, so the mother asked her pre-teen daughter to put a sign on the hall bathroom door and then close it. Due to the busyness of all the preparations for the big event, the mother never had the opportunity to even walk by the hallway bathroom until all her guests had left that day. When she finally did pass the hallway bathroom, she saw the sign her young daughter had written and left on the door. It read: "Out of odor."

The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss the matter. Dad: "This is unacceptable, I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone." Mom: "Me too, I use my company phone. I hardly use the home phone." Son: "I use my office mobile. I never use the home phone." All of them shocked turned to look at the maid who was patiently listening to them all this time. Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones, what is the big deal?"

I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

A grandmother took her granddaughter to get a soft drink at a fast food place. After both grandmother and granddaughter filled their cups, the granddaughter gets a stir stick and uses it for a straw. Grandmother says, "Why don't you get a big straw like grandma?" Granddaughter replied, "Because my mouth is not as big as yours."

Mary was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest." "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going. "Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached the city of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the not-so-bright waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Prince Charles was walking past a cheering crowd when he spotted a woman holding two babies and surrounded by five pre-teenagers. "Well," says the Prince, "You have a handful. Do you have any other children?" "Yes, there are seven more at home" "Your husband deserves a knighthood," said Prince Charles. The mother replied, "He has plenty of night-hoods, but he refuses to wear them."

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her traditional parents and they were appalled by his appearance... leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

An elderly man was remembering the good old days. “When I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single dollar, and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes, 2 breads, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese, and 10 eggs. Nowadays that is impossible... there are simply too many security cameras!

My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his super-critical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn’t tell his mom which one he intended to marry. After the four women left, he asked his mother, "Can you guess which one I want to marry?" "The one with short hair." "Yes! How’d you know?" "Because that’s the one I didn’t like."

If you can start the day without caffeine or pills, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and telling people your troubles, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, THEN YOU MUST BE THE FAMILY DOG!!!

Father in a conversation with a neighbor... First son: Degree in Economics Second son: MBA Third son: PhD Fourth son: Thief Neighbor: Why can't you throw the fourth son out of your house? Father: He is the only one earning money. The rest are unemployed.

The only contest I ever won in my family was eating the most paint chips!

Most loving mothers change many smelly diapers. Every day. Yet, they absolutely lose it when their husbands pass gas. Go figure.

A cruise ship full of Mother-in-Laws was heading towards Hawaii for a week when their ship capsized killing everyone. Their families cried for a for a whole week. But after 3 weeks one man was still crying, so the people asked him what was wrong? Why are you still crying? The man replies, "My Mother-in-Law missed the darn boat!