Jokes

A young couple was expecting a visit from the pastor of their church. They wanted everything to go smoothly, but their two year old son was just getting the hang of potty training. He was at the stage where he would announce at the top of his voice, "I gotta pee," when he had to go to the bathroom. His father, worried that this might be embarrassing when the minister came to call, instructed the child, "Don't shout that you've got to pee. Whisper!" That evening the pastor makes his visit. He's there a very long time and the two year old is on one foot and the other. Finally, the minister asks him, "What's the matter, son?" The child looks at his dad and says, "I've gotta whisper!" Pastor says, "It's all right, child. Whisper in my ear."

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?" "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father. "Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!," the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"

(Dad) I just got an invitation to my thirty year High School class reunion. I don’t think I’m going to attend. (Son) Dad isn’t it true that each year the graduating class is larger than the year before. (Dad) Yes, that’s generally how it works. By the time you graduate son the graduation class should be double of what it was last year. (Son) My point exactly, based on that I really think you should attend. (Dad) What point? (Son) I just did the math in my head and it just wouldn’t be fair to the other two graduates if you missed it.

Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all the boys would make fun of me. Moe: What did you do? Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.

Granddaughter: It’s March 14th grandpa, national “pi” day. Grandpa: I love pie! Granddaughter: Not that kind of pie grandpa, I’m talking about a formula! Grandpa: Back in my day we called it a recipe! Granddaughter: Graaaand Paaaa, not that, it’s a mathematical formula, you know an equation. Grandpa: That’s the problem these days, everyone makes things so complicated. In my day we used things like cups, teaspoons and tablespoons. We didn’t need math if we wanted to bake a pie. Granddaughter: Oh, I see your point! So what would you like, apple or cherry pie? Grandpa: Finally, a young person who actually understand things.

Grandpa: I can't find the send button on my cell phone. Granddaughter: I see the problem grandpa, you're using a calculator. Grandpa: It's always a calculated risk doing things without my reading glasses. Granddaughter: No wonder things didn't add up. Grandpa: Very "Punny" young lady, you're as bad as I am! Granddaughter: And exactly how did you arrive at that equation? Grandpa: Time for my nap, I rest my case!

My brother was sort of odd. I remember once on his birthday he fell down a dry well, so we lowered his birthday cake to him. He didn't even tug on the rope to say thanks.

Little boy to a departing relative... "There's no hurry, Auntie. Daddy put the clock a whole hour ahead."

Son: "Dad, what is 'creeping inflation'?" Father: "It's when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit."

"What does your mother do for a headache?" "She sends me out to play."

Bathroom Definition: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks. "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183." Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

A mother and daughter were reading tea leaves in the bottom of their cups during lunch. Wanting to get attention the little brother said, "that’s nothing" as he flung spaghetti on the wall. He told his mother and sister that spaghetti was a much more reliable source for reading the future. The mother took a close look at the spaghetti as it slid down the wall. She said, "I think you’re right, do you see that noodle? It’s telling me you’ll be grounded for a week."

Have you finished your chores? I had to stay after school and talk to my teacher. Once again, have you finished your chores? My teacher said I have selective hearing. Please don’t change the subject, did you take out the trash like I asked? Oh, I thought you said Billy had to take it out this week.

Years ago, when my daughter was expecting her second baby, my husband and I traveled to the Air Force base where they were stationed so we would be able to take care of their first daughter when the new baby was born. We arrived at their house in the evening and little Jane was bathed and ready for bed. Her mother told her to go tell everyone good night so she dutifully kissed everyone, including her mother's tummy and told us all goodnight and scampered down the hallway. Suddenly she stopped and said, "Oh I forgot." Running over to her grandpa she reached up and kissed his rather portly stomach and announced quite matter-of-factly, "I forgot to kiss grandpa's baby goodnight."

A father asked his daughter, "What do you see in that boy? That kid has his head screwed on backwards!" "No he doesn’t dad, that’s how kids wear ball caps these days."

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn, and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited, one of them asked me to say hello to my wife. "I will," I said. "It'll make her feel better. She has pneumonia." "Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison. One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said, "I hope you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning." "I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger. "I have a hangnail."

Sitting on the couch waiting for dinner, I thought I heard the wife ask which did I want for dinner, "beef, chicken or fish?" Since it had been a while since I had any, I replied, "fish!" Apparently that was the wrong answer. The reply I got was that I was getting "soup" as she was talking to the cat.

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following sequence of events takes place: 1. The woman goes to the market to buy the food. 2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer. 4. The man places the meat on the grill. 5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible.” The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God.” “She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?” “Every night at dinner time, she places a burnt offering before me.”

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

Dear Son, I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last people who stayed here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well: last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, she will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other drowned because they couldn't get the tail gate down. There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

In a kids bedroom: 3 year old: I can't sleep Father: Why not? 3 year old: There are scary monsters under my bed. Father: Scarier than your mother? 3 year old: "zzz"

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty. 9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control. 8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream. 7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster. 6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue. 5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!" 4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things." 3. Give him Grandma's lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY." 2. When the women of the house are gone, get out your secret 'Old Yeller' video and have a good cry together. 1. Shot put catching.

Tom was walking down the street when he sees a funeral procession. At the head was the casket, behind was a man walking a very large dog and behind him were 300 people. Tom walks over to the guy with the dog and asks, "Who’s funeral is this?" The man answers, “My mother-in-law’s.” Tom wishes his condolences and asks, “She must of been a very important person, but what’s with the dog?” "This is the dog that killed her.” So Tom asks, “Can I borrow the dog for an hour?” He responds, “Get in line!”

My daughter asked if I could help her explain the concept of “modern math” to her youngest. I said sure, he just needs practical life experience and he’ll understand. Just take him to the store, pass it a few times, then circle it once or twice before you pull into the parking lot.

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!" declared the child, bravely. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!!"

I was getting ready to go to choir practice when I heard my dad say, "Don't forget a bucket." Confused, I replied, "A bucket? Why?" “You’ll need something to help you carry a tune."