Jokes

I reluctantly went shopping with my wife so she could buy a new dress. She tried on several but they didn't fit. As she came out of the fitting room totally frustrated she remarked, "Nothing my size fits me anymore."

"Anton, am I a good mother?" "My name is Paul."

A father and his 9 year old son were at the nearby bowling alley. "Hey dad, why is that man wearing that weird looking hat while he's bowling?" his son blurted out. "Oh that's normal son" he answered. "That hat is called a bowler."

My little sister broke my lamp... I won't be able to see her in the same light ever again.

Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. We followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful -- we never even felt hungry! But soon we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it. Checking the recipes again, we found it. There in the not-so-fine, fine print, was the answer: "Serving Size: 6."

The teacher asks Suzy where her nose is, and Suzy points to it. Next, she asks Freddy where his ears are, and he points to them. Then she asked little johnny where his heart is, johnny points to his behind, The teacher said, "No, that is not right. Let's try again. Where is your heart?" Again, Johnny points to his behind and explains, "Every time my grandma comes over she give me a hug, pats my behind, and says 'Bless your heart.'"

When asked by his grandchildren to describe his retirement Grandpa proudly answered, "It's great! Some days at 3:00 pm I take off my pajamas and get dressed, and some days at 3:00 pm I put on my pajamas and get ready for early dinner and bed!"

Laura and Freddy are cousins, and their grandma is babysitting them for the day. Although Freddy's mom is the renowned chef in the family, Laura's mom prepared lunch earlier, including potatoes in the oven. But one fell and got badly burnt. Grandma jumped on the occasion to show the kids how to draw with it on a piece of paper. Sadly, Freddy frowned and then observed, "My mom would NEVER burn potatoes for me."

Husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died, would you get married again?” The husband said, “No sweetie.” The woman said, “I’m sure you would.” So the man said, “Okay, I would.” Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?” And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.” Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?” And the husband replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”   Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”   Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

"Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to?" "Yes, Mom." "Your handwriting seems very large, why is that?" "Well, Grandma can't hear well, so I'm writing very loudly."

Dallas heard that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So, on his 21st birthday, Dallas and his big brother Damon, headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted. When Dallas and Damon arrived at the lake, they rented a canoe and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Dallas stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat embarrassed, he and Damon headed for home. When Dallas arrived back at the family home, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?" His sweet old grandmother took Dallas by the hand, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January. You, my dear, were born in June."

In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our youngest son came in to the living room and asked, "Does anyone want a cup of coffee?" "Yes, please!" we said. He replied, "What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated or decapitated?"

“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend. “Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn’t work out at all.” “What happened?” “My father couldn’t stand her.”

There once was a funeral for a woman who had often screamed at her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made their cat and dog crazy with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. "Well, at least we know she got there all right," commented her husband.

Johnny's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year-old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Johnny, who's just five years old, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that it hurts." Mom was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in she said, "What happened?" "She knows now," little Johnny explained.

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting, son. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. Suspecting the worse, she reaches for an extra pillow and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can, letting her anger and frustration out. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store. Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on. Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!" "But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own. PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they are sure you are not raising them right. HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: a women whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Teacher: "Complete the following sentence, 'Early to bed and early to rise...'" Student: "... This Man has neither WiFi nor Wife!"

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wrong?” the father asked. “I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist. Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. “Why are you so happy?” he asked. The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me his camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?”

My three-year-old grandson sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?”

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home, collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!"

To get my cousin to write to her even once, my aunt resorted to sending him a check with this note: “Do not cash until you write me a thank you.” A few weeks later, the check had cleared, yet no message had arrived. So she called him. “I told you not to cash the check until you’d written to thank me,” she complained. “I didn’t cash the check,” he said. “I deposited it.”

A thief got married to a thief. They decided to give up their old ways and begin a family. Fifteen months after getting married, they were expecting a son. At the hospital their son was born and his hand was closed. They went for a closer look. They opened up his hand and were surprised by what they found. The wristwatch of the doctor who delivered him.

A man was looking out his window when he noticed that there was a snail on one of his plants. So he took the snail and threw him as far as he could. Ten years later the old man heard a tap tap tap on his window, and when he looked up he saw a very cross snail who looked at him and said, “Hey, what did you do that for?!”

A teenage boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this." "Then why do you?" asked the friend. "It keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."