Jokes

John left his twin twelve year old boys in the car while he went into a store. While there he spotted a vender selling ice cream cones. He bought one chocolate and one vanilla for the boys. When he got back to the car he asked them which one they wanted. The boys looked at the ice cream cones for a few seconds trying to decide. A sly grin came across one boys face. He pointed to his brother and said, "I want his!"

We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids... It’s SPF 80... That means you squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.

I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter. Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, “For the talent show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?” Glancing up from her paper, she said dryly, “What’s the difference?”

A mom was playing "tooth fairy" and putting money under her little daughter's pillow when the child awoke and caught her in the act. The mom froze, wondering how to explain to her tot that she was, in fact, the tooth fairy. But she was spared the trouble. "You put that money back!" her daughter said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that for me!"

A 4-year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?" "Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color." There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?"

I was watching the game at my parents home and I asked for something to eat. My dad said, "Go ahead and eat some of the peanuts in the bowl beside the chair." I ended up eating them all and as I was leaving I said that I was sorry and would replace them. That's when dad said, "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

“My great-grandma gave me this money,” said my three-year-old, happily clutching a $20 bill he’d gotten as a present. “That’s right,” I said. “How did you know that?” Pointing to Andrew Jackson’s face in the middle, he said, “Because her picture is on it.”

My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you’ll understand, but my capital has been frozen.”

A girl walks in with a hole in her sock. Her Mum says, "I see your sock been to church." The girl stares at her mother, not sure what she means. The mother then replies. "It's a 'wholly-Sock.'"

We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded, “Do it again!”

After a rough day spent corralling my rowdy kids, I’d had enough. “I think I’m going to sell them,” I hissed to my sister. “You’re crazy,” she said. “For thinking of selling them?” “For thinking someone would buy them.”

George, who had a wife and 8 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 8 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children, because he didn't believe in lying. So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 7 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked, "How many children do you have?" He answered, "Eight." The agent asked, "Where are the others?" George, looked the agent right in the eye, and answered, "They're at the cemetery with their mother."

People’s parents actually give them sage advice, like “Do what you love, and the money will follow” or “The early bird gets the worm.” All I remember is, “Don’t fill up on bread.”

I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: “Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed.”

A very good friend of mine is a single mother of four young beautiful daughters. Over the past couple of months, each one of her children have asked what it's like to be a mommy. She kept telling them when the time is right, she would explain it in such a way that all of them could understand. So one early morning, at about 3am, she decided to wake all of them up and gather them in her bedroom while they were still half asleep for a little chat. "Remember how all of you asked what it's like to be a mommy?" she says. "Yes mommy," says the oldest one, "but it's sooo early." "That's right sweetie," says the mother, "but I can't find my teddy bear, I have an itch on my back that I can't scratch, and where's Fluffy? Plus I'm thirsty and I want a glass of water, my socks keep falling off my feet and I'm sooo cold. Could you please get me another blanket and tuck me in and tell me another story?" After a brief pause, she adds, "Okay then...do all of you understand now?"

Johnathan asked his young son, "Greg, do you think I’m a bad father?" "My name is Andrew," replied his son.

Wife: "What is difference between complete and finish?" Husband: "When you met me, you were complete. When I met you, I was finished."

Don’t ever pay a surprise visit to a child in college. You might be the one getting the surprise. I learned this the hard way when I swung by my son’s campus during a business trip. Locating what I thought was his fraternity house, I rang the doorbell. "Yeah?" a voice called from inside. "Does Dylan Houseman live here?" "Yup," the voice answered. "Leave him on the front porch. We’ll bring him in later."

My doctor friend moved his family to a small town in Montana. An Italian American raised in Philadelphia, he wanted his kids to enjoy clean the benefits of air and the outdoors. The locals were thrilled to have a doctor of their own, and were always inviting him and his family over for dinner. During one visit, one of his daughters told a rancher’s daughter, "We’re Italian." Somewhat confused, the little girl replied, "We’re Ranch."

As she slid behind the wheel for her first driving lesson, my daughter couldn’t contain her excitement. "You need to make adjustments so the car is comfortable for you, the driver," I began. "Now, what’s the first thing you should do?" "Change the radio station," she said.

One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What’s a Tupperware party, Dad?" I’ve always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, Brian," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other." Brian nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn’t find a thing for her grandson. "Maybe a video or something educational?" I asked. "No, that’s not it," she said. We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye, a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds. "This is perfect," she said, beaming. "My daughter-in-law will hate it."

I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my four-year-old daughter asked what was wrong. "I’m going to meet a woman who always yells at Daddy," I told her. "Oh," she said. "Say hi to Mommy for me."

Once I’d finished reviewing my daughter’s homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. “What is a group of whales called?” I asked. “I’ll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music.” “An iPod?” she guessed. “Close,” I said. “But what I’m thinking of is a little smaller.” “A Shuffle!”

Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her "the talk." "Sometimes, it’s easy to get carried away when you’re with a boy," I said. "Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your life." "Don’t worry," she said. "I don’t plan on ruining my life until I get married."

My mom wants me to name my kids after people in our family. So I’m naming my firstborn Uncle Karl.

My sister is a know-it-all who bristles at anyone’s well-intentioned advice. But when our older sister gave her several clever tips, she was impressed. "I have to hand it to Pat," she told me. "She really is smart. Not Jeopardy smart, more like Wheel of Fortune smart."

To keep their active two-year-old from roaming onto the busy street in front of their home, my sister and brother-in-law decided to put a gate across the driveway. After working over two weekends on the project, Robert was ready to attach the lock to complete the job. He was working on the yard side of the gate, with his daughter nearby, when he dropped the screwdriver he was using and it rolled under the gate, out of his reach. "I’ll get it, Daddy," Lauren called, nimbly crawling under the newly erected barrier.

Rushing to get to the movies, my husband and I told the kids we had to leave "right now" — at which point our teenage daughter headed for the bathroom to apply makeup. Her dad yelled for her to get in the car immediately, and headed for the garage grumbling. On the way to the multiplex my husband glanced in the rearview mirror and caught our teen applying lipstick and blush, which produced the predictable lecture. "Look at your mom," he said. "She didn’t put on any makeup just to go sit in a dark movie theater." From the back I heard, "Yeah, but Mom doesn’t need makeup." My heart swelling with the compliment, I turned back to thank this sweet, wonderful daughter of mine just as she continued, "Nobody looks at her."

My aunt and her 7 year-old daughter, Lisa, were talking at breakfast one morning when Lisa said, "Mommy, how come you have these gray hairs coming in on the top of your head?" My Aunt replied, "Well sweetie, every time that you make mommy worry or tell a lie, I get a new gray hair." Lisa, having this perplexed look on her face, then raises her head to look my aunt straight in the eyes. She then asks, "Is that why grandma is all gray mommy?"