Jokes

What is a cat's favorite car? That's easy, a Catillac!

What does one wildebeest say to another wildebeest say at the beginning of each year? “Happy Gnu Year!”

A horse walks into a bar... ... the trainer says, "Next time, jump!"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.” The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

Why aren't fish allowed to play in an orchestra? Because you can tune a piano, but you can't tune-a-fish.

What did the giraffe say to the elephant as they boarded Noah’s ark? “We’re all in the same boat!”

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

A family of skunks went for their morning walk. They came to a fork in the road. The daddy skunk said, "My instinct tells me to take the left fork." The momma skunk said, "My instinct tells me to take the right fork." The baby skunk pondered a moment and said, "My end stinks too but I still don't know which road to take!"

A fellow had a buzzard for a pet and decided to take him to Hawaii on vacation. He realized it was a long flight and that he couldn't afford the exorbitant fees charged by air lines for extra luggage. He wasn't prepared for Delta to deny boarding to his pet buzzard, Buford, though. Seems Buford had too much carrion baggage.

Me: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Stranger: "To get to the other side." Me: "No. To get the Chicken Newspaper. You get it?" Stranger: "No." Me: "I don't get it either... I get The Miami Herald."

John: What did the bug say to the windshield when he crashed into it? Fred: I don't know. what? John: That's me all over you! And do you know what the windshield said to the bug? Fred: I don't know. John: Bet you don't have the guts to do that again! Okay, do you know what was the last thing that went through the bugs mind when he hit the windshield? Fred: No, but I bet it's good. John: His rear end.

I went to a National Park once and was very concerned about being attacked by a grizzly bear while hiking. I stopped at the Ranger Station and asked how to keep from being a victim of a bear attack. He said to wear little bells around my ankles and keep pepper spray handy. He said they sold both there at the ranger station. The Ranger also told me the best way to tell if a bear was in the area was to look for fresh droppings. He said if the droppings were small and round it was probably a black bear and an attack was unlikely. He said it was grizzly bear droppings if it had little bells in it and smelled like pepper spray.

"Yes, I came face to face with a lion once, and as luck would have it, I was alone and without a gun." "What did you do?" "What could I do? First, I tried looking straight into his eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer. I had to think fast.” "How did you get away?" "I just left him and moved on to the next zoo exhibit."

At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine's disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner's face or show concern. Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor. The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other, and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.

ME: "Excuse me, sir, could you help me? I'm trying to take this llama to the capital of Pakistan. SIR: "Islamabad?" ME: "Oh no, not at all. This is a good llama."

The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!" You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair. It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets. You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are. You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty. You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle. You are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog. You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub. You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink. You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog. You've learned to force a smile when asked, "Do you have a saddle for that thing?" Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.

Little fishy in the sea, How I wish I could catch thee. Take you home as a new found pet, Get you checked out by my vet. Buy you glasses A little coat, Some fin mittens, A tie that floats. Send you to college to get a degree Oh my gosh, what you're costing me! That tie! The vet! Oh the prices I've paid! The next thing you're getting, I'm afraid, is filleted.

A man comes home from work, expecting his dog to welcome him with nothing but excitement. Dog: "I saw you out there." Me: "What?" Dog: "I saw you pet the neighbor's dog." Me: "I was just..." Dog: (crying) "Did you rub his belly? DID YOU ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?!"

At the end of a visit to Amsterdam, a friend borrowed an old suitcase from his hosts to carry home his souvenirs. At the airport, however, a customs officer subjected our friend’s luggage to a thorough search and even sent for a drug-sniffing dog. Sure enough, the dog entered the area, headed straight for the borrowed bag and went into a frenzy. The customs officer now intensified his search, but ultimately he found nothing. After arriving home, the young man immediately phoned his hosts and told them how puzzled he’d been by the dog’s behavior. “Perhaps,” the owner of the suitcase said, “it was because that’s the bag our cat usually sleeps in.”

What do you call a cat that gets thrown in the dryer and is never found again??? SOCKS...

Why don't ants get sick? Because they have their own little anti-bodies.

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked, “Electronic cat and dog call—guaranteed to work”. I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.

We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey. Our daughter turned to my wife and said, “Mom, you always did it that way.” “Yes,” my wife replied, “but you don’t have a cat!”

One day I'm walking down a street and as soon as I walk by the pet store, a parrot says to me, "PUNK!" The next day, the same thing happens. The day after that it happens again. This time I go to the owner of the pet store and told him what's been going on. He says that he'll take care of it. Next week, I'm walking past the pet store and this time the parrot is wearing a suit. He says nothing to me as I go where I'm heading off to. The next day the same thing happens. The day after that the same thing happens. I walk over to the parrot and say to him, "Why aren't you calling me "PUNK" anymore? The parrot quickly replies, "I don't talk to punks when I'm wearing nice clothes!"

Q: What kind of socks do bears wear? A: They don't wear any, they have bear feet.

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me get to my car!" Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"

If you think about it, snakes get a bad rap in life. I mean really now, if you were born with no arms and no legs, you'd also be very bitter, recluse and have a 'Chip On Your Shoulder'. Oh that's right...these poor reptiles don't have any shoulders either! See what I mean?

What kind of coffee do cows drink after giving birth? Easy, de-calf!

The word F.E.A.R. has many different acronyms, but the one I like the best is... (F)orget (E)verything (A)nd (R)un... ... ... Especially when you're confronted by a very hungry Bear!

What do you call a dog wearing earplugs? It doesn't matter – it can't hear you anyway!