Jokes

What do snakes have on their bath towels? Hiss and Hers...

Two friends were chatting. "I've just bought a pig!" said the first. "But where will you keep it?" asked the second. "Your yard's much too small for a pig!" "I'm going to keep it under my bed," replied the first. "But what about the smell?" "He'll soon get used to that."

Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection!

How do you count cows? How else, with a cowculator!

Why do Gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers!

What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.

A friend of mine, a professional organist, was asked to play for a wedding. Unfamiliar with the church's organ, she went to the sanctuary to practice. Curious about a small keyboard that slid out from under the two regular keyboards, she tapped out a couple of bars of a children's song but heard nothing. Then she played a few more notes, but still no organ music. Just then a man came running into the church, shouting, "Who's playing 'Three Blind Mice' on the church-steeple bells?"

Two bumblebees were talking one day. "I'm sort of depressed" says one of the bees. "Why...what's the problem?" asks the second bee. "My doctor says I'm losing my buzz," says the first bee. To which the second bee replies, "Sorry to hear that, man, that stings!"

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped. I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me,"but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo... So I had to put my foot down.

What do you call a bee that comes from America? A USB!

People often say, “Elephants never forget!” But exactly what is it that an elephant needs to remember?

A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.” The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk!” The horse says, “Me neither!”

Paddy hates his wife's cat so much he drives it to the next town and dumps it there. When he gets home, the cat was there. The next day he drives it 50 miles out and leaves it. When he gets home, it's there again. So the next day he drives it to the other side of the county, some 150 miles away, and tries again. Six hours later he calls his wife and asks, "IS THAT DARN CAT HOME?" "Yes, why?" asks the wife. Paddy says, "PUT THE DARN CAT ON THE PHONE, I'M LOST!!!"

What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies? "Should we walk home or take a dog?"

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.  The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow... Freeze a jolly good fellow..."

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom... Grandpop... am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bear replies, "Because I'm FREEEEEZING!"

What do you call a mean mother hen? An egg beater.

"I can’t kill the mosquito who bit me and sucked my blood." "Why Not?" "Because we’re related by blood now!"

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!” “Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day? "You’re purrr-fect for me!"

What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A Headbanger!

"Mary, if you were a four legged animal and you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?" "I don't know," said Mary, "but whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark."

Why do seals swim in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

When Sammy, the male sheep, lost his mate to old age, the flock asked him to say a few sentimental words. He took a big breath, opened his mouth, and sang, "There will never ever be another ewe..."

The lion married off a child. Being the king of the jungle, he invited all the animals for the wedding. On the very special night, a mouse walks up the lion and says, "Congratulations brother!" The lion looks at the mouse and says, "Thanks, but since when am I your brother?" The mouse replied, "Well, I was once a lion too, then I got married."

Why did the panda steal my socks? Because he had bear feet!

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman… “Mr. Cook?” “Yes,” I replied. “I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.” I said, “That’s not possible, my dog doesn’t have a bike.”

Why did the bee get married? He finally found his honey.

What is the healthiest insect? A vitamin bee!