Quotes

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.

I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.

I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make.

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much.

I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.

I am not a good cue card reader.

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

I'm a comedian, not a politician.