Jokes

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said. Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said. At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girl’s eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked our jeweler. "I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday." Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"

An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived, the hotel clerk asked him a riddle. "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up. "I don't know who was it?" The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!" The Englishman thought that was hilarious. He couldn't wait to get home and tell this funny joke to his family and friends in England. When he arrived home they met him at the airport and he asked them: "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up. So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York."

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to take out a life insurance policy. “Now supposing your husband were to die,” he said, “what would you get? “Oh, a Bulldog, I think,” replied the housewife. “They are always good company!”

A wealthy ninety years old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor. The advisor is very excited and tells the old man. “ I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!” “Five years? Are you kidding?” exclaims the old man. “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”

One night, a caveman comes running into his cave and says, “Whew! There was a tiger chasing me all the way across the savannah!” His wife asks, “Why? The caveman replied, “I didn’t stop to ask!”

A frantic woman had dialed 911. “Police, fire, or ambulance?” asked the operator. “I want a vet!” demanded the panic-stricken woman. “A vet?” said the operator in surprise. “What for?” “To open by bulldog’s jaws.” “But why did you call 911?” “There’s a burglar in them.”

Two women were talking at a party, and one said, “Look at that awful-looking man over there… isn’t he hideous? I think he must be the most unattractive man I’ve ever seen in my life!” “That happens to be my husband!” said the second icily. “Oh dear,” said the first, covered in confusion, “I’m so sorry.” To which the unfortunate wife replied, “You’re sorry…?”

The moving man was struggling to get a large bureau up the stairs. “Why don’t you get Tom to help you?” Asked the moving foreman, to which the man answered, “Tom is inside carrying the clothes.”

“I’d like some really tight jeans.” “Certainly, sir. Will you walk this way?” “If they’re as tight as yours I’ll probably have to.”

A woman rushes into a hardware store and says, “Can I have a mouse trap, please? And will you be quick, I’ve got a bus to catch!” “Sorry, ma’am,” said the store clerk, “but we don’t sell ‘em that big!”

A man tell his friend, “I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking.” “What did he say?” “He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate.” “Did that do any good?” “No, I can’t get the chocolate to light.”

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head her husband parted his hair on. "I forgot," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."

The definition of Punctuality: The art of waiting for others who are unpunctual.

Recently while attending a dinner party, by way of conversation, the guest seated beside me asked "do you stir your coffee with your right hand or your left?” to which I replied "My right hand”. The response "interesting indeed, I stir mine with a spoon!”

One friend to another “I think my wife is trying to tell me something,” “She keeps wrapping my sandwiches in a road map!”

Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. “Darling! He blurted out, “Will you marry me?” “Of course, I will, you silly boy,” she replied, “Who’s speaking?”

Let me kiss your lips Let me test your teeth Let me test your tongue Don't be afraid of me "I am pepsodent"

“Hi? Is this the mental hospital?” “Yes, it is.” “Can I speak to Mr. Scott in room ten? “One moment and I’ll connect you …. I’m sorry, Mr. Scott in not answering.” “Good. That means I must have really escaped.”

Waiter: And how did you find your steak, sir? Customer: Well, I just pushed aside a bean and there it was!

A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

A guy was standing at the bottom of the stairs listening to the bells. He decided to go up and meet the ringer. So he raced up the many stairs until finally he was standing not three meters away from quazimodo. In a soft voice he said "can I ring the bells" as the hunchback pushed his head against the bell "No training is needed or you will be in danger" The guy replied to this "C'mon please I'll be careful" "Be very careful" Minutes went by and he pushed the bell with the might of his hands "Can I ring the bell with my head? “The guy asked "NO, TRAINING" "I can do it" "Ok don't say you haven't been warned" Alas on his first heave he lost balance and when the bell swung back it hit him out the window he fell down the tower to his death. Quazimodo raced down the stairs with all possible speed, when he was at the bottom a small crowd had gathered with a policeman examining the body He yelled to the crowd "Does anybody know this man?” Quazimodo then answered "No, but his face rings a bell"

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles’ bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. “I’m jus an ordinary man,” he said, walking up to her, “but in just a week or two, my father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.” The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus. “Say,” Peter said, “How’s it going?” “Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me- what’s today’s date?” “July seventh.” “Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.” “Let me guess,” Peter interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.” “Right.” “And he won!” Peter sighed. “No. He came in seventh.”

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife. He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side? He's alright now!

It was a stormy night. A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down. He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help. A headlight started to approach him from behind. He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly. He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat. Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving! Before the guy could decide what to do, a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff. The guy trembled in fright, but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel! When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew. Every time there was a turn, the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety. The guy could not believe all this. As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped off the car and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling, and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience. Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar. One saw the guy and said, "Hey, that's the stupid fellow that got in our car while were pushing."

A young woman greeted the census taker. “Good morning,” said the caller, “I’m taking the census and I’d like to ask you a few questions. Occupation?” “Homemaker,” replied the woman. “Husband’s occupation?” “Manufacturer.” “Children?” “No,” said the woman. “Dresses.”

A young girl was so nervous about the cruise that immediately after being shown to her cabin, she headed for the bar. Four hours later she bumped into a steward. “ ‘Scuse me.’ She said hiccupping, “I, I can’t seem to find my cabin.” “I’ll be glad to help you, ma’am. What’s the number?” “I dunno,” she answered, “but if you show me aroun’, I’ll recognize it from the lighthouse just outside the porthole.”