Jokes

The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rate. “ Waiter,” he barked, “didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’? “I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter. “I hardly ever get a compliment.”

The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. ‘Could you push me to the gas station?” The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station. “How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled. “I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.’

A vacationer telephones a seaside hotel to ask where it was. “It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told. “How will I recognize it?” asked the man. “It’s the one with all the broken windows.” Came the reply.

Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, “Hey, you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” So the lawyers traded sandwiches.

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action movie about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarsenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" replied Sly. “And what about you?" he asked Arnold. "If I’m not Bach, I’ll be Hayden!"

A man taking a woman home after their first date asks if he can come inside of a cup of coffee. “Oh, no,” she says, “I never ask a guy in on the first date.” “Okay,” the man replies, “how about the last date?”

Say, Joe,” a man said to his friend, “how do you like your new job?” “It’s the worst job I have ever had.” “How long have you been there?” asked his buddy. “About three months.” Said Joe. “Why don’t you quit?” said his friend. “No way. This is the fist time in 25 years that I have looked forward to going home after work.’

At an Italian wedding ceremony, the priest asked the bride, “Do you take Franco Giuseppe-Antonio to be your husband?” The bride looking very confused said, “father, there is a mistake. I am only marrying Frank.”

Lisa: Do you really lover, or do you just think you do? Bob: Honey, I really lover you. I haven’t done any thinking yet.

The United States is the only country where housewife hires a woman to do her cleaning so she can do volunteer work at the day care where the cleaning woman leaves her child

Susan and Martha meet at the market and exchange news. Susan said: My husband was named Man of the Year. Martha replied: Well that shows you what kind of a year it’s been

A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met? Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don’t know makes a touchdown.

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. “Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.” When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway.”

A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time he received a note: “thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful Of you to wrap each piece separately.”

Hey have you heard about the sidewalk? No! Well it’s all over town!!!

Gas prices are so high that when this college girl pulled into a gas station and asked for 2 dollar’s worth, the attendant dabbed some behind her ears.

A man entered a barbershop and said: “I am tired of looking like everyone else! I want a change! Part my hair from ear to ear!” “Are you sure?” “Yes!” said the man. The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left the shop. A few hours passed and the man reentered the shop. “Put it back the way it was,” he said. “What’s the matter? Asked the barber. “Are you tired of being a nonconformist already?” “No”, he replied, “I am tired of people whispering in my nose!”

Carl asked, “Got anything to cure fleas on a dog?” “That depends,” the slow-minded vet replied. “What’s wrong with them?”

The patient staggered to the pharmacy counter flinching. “Say, would you give me something for my head?” The pharmacist looked up. “Why? What would I do with it?”

Mr. Johnson walked anxiously to the house and knocked. When a nice old lady answered, he said very sad, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have some bad news. “I’m afraid I have run over your cat. I… I would like to replace it.” The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I’m game, but how are you at catching mice?”

The nurse burst into the doctor’s office. “Doctor! She yelled, “you just gave a clean bill of health to Mr. Smith and … and he dropped dead right outside the door!” The doctor jumped into action. “Quick,” he said, “We’ve got to turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in!”

“I’ll have you know,” said the snob to his date, “my father is a famous man in this town. He’s a Lion...a Moose…and an Elk.” “Wow!” said his date, “and what do you charge to see him?”

One guy to another; they say brunettes have a sweeter disposition than blondes and redheads. Don’t believe it! My wife has been all three, and I couldn’t see any difference.

The vocalist was practicing in the church with all the windows open. As she stepped outside what a whiff of fresh air, she noticed the gardener trimming the shrubs. “How did you like my execution?” she asked. The gardener without turning to look at her said, “I’m in favor of it.”

A Panhandler who was working Wall Street one day approached a dignified businessman and asked him for some money. The man replied, “I’m very sorry, but I never give money to people in the street.” The panhandler replied, “What should I do? Come up to your office?

A skydiver is enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. He pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens. “No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” He thinks. “I’m a goner.” Just then, he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from or what he’s doing, but he says to himself, “I hope he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m in real trouble.” When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?” The man coming up cups his hands and yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

"Doctor, doctor I feel like a bridge" "What’s come over you”? "Two cars a truck and a coach"

One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay. The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000. The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is willing to buy a car. The poor man though for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: Please buy one for me too.

Two men (Mr. A & Mr. B) came out from a pup drunk on one windy Saturday night, feeling some cool wind blowing, Mr. A looked up the sky to see if it was going to rain, after looking he told his friend that it wasn't going to rain because he’s spotted a star. When Mr. B raised his head up and looked, this is not a star but a moon he said. This led them to argument if the object was a star or a moon, to ascertain what that object was, they approach another man (Mr. X) already drunk from a different pup as he was on his way home. Mr. A & Mr. B approached this Mr. X in other to resolve this issue once and for all. When Mr. X looked up spending much time looking up into the sky finally he said, well as for me, I’m a stranger in this neighborhood.

A lady walked into a boutique and asked the sales lady "May I try on that cute dress in the window?" The sales lady replied; "Sure, but wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a dressing room?"