Jokes

Goofy Fred took a friend driving on a narrow mountain road. After a while the friend said, “I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends.” “Then do what I do,” said Fred, “close your eyes.”

A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I’ll bet you don’t have anything like this in Texas. The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.

Banta's son: Dad there is some one at the door to collect donations for a swimming pool. Banta: Give him a glass of water.

After the dance, young Charles asked the young girl if he could see her home – so she showed him a picture of it.

A woman at a department store ask a clerk: Will you help me out, please? “Certainly, just go through that door” replied the clerk.

John asks: Why are you drinking so much? Joe says: Because I donated my body to science, and I am preserving it until they are ready to use it.

Three lunatics are attempting to escape from a mental hospital. The first one passes the guard, makes the sound of a cat, and continues. The second one does exactly the same, meowing like a cat, and gets out, too. The third then passes near the guard and yells, “I’m a cat too!”

A couple is traveling on the Kansas Turnpike resisting 40 to 50 mph crosswinds. At the tollbooth, the husband asks the attendant; “What do you people do in Kansas when the wind stops?” The attendant didn’t miss a beat when he answered, “We take the rocks out of our pockets.”

The president of a movie-studio who was not exactly noted for his knowledge of the English language received a well written story titled “The Optimist.” After reading the manuscript, he called a gathering of the most creative minds and announced, “Gentlemen, we got us a great story here, but I want all of you to think of something simpler for a title. There ain’t many people will know the technical term for eye doctor.”

Mo and Jo are sitting in boat fishing, drinking beer and chewing tobacco when out of the blue Mo says, “I think I’m gonn a divorce my wife …… she ain’t spoke to me in over a month.” Jo sips his beer and says, “Better think over, women like that are hard to find.”

Harry Dunn lived with his mother in Ireland and was always bugging her to let him go the U.S.A. Finally she said he could go if he promised to write her every week to let her know how he was doing, He said he would , so off he went down to the docks. Well she received letters each week telling her how he arrived in New York, how he had found an apartment, found a job, and had met Betty the girl in the office. He said he was so happy and that he and Betty were getting married. They had moved to Connecticut in a lovely little white house, and Betty was pregnant. Then the letters stopped..... She was so worried she didn’t know what to do. She heard that one of the local lads was going over and she made her way to the pier. She found him and asked him if he knew her son Harry Dunn, he said he did not. She told him what had happened and asks him to look up Harry and tell him to write. He promised her he would at any cost. Upon arriving in N.Y. he hailed a taxi, and told the cabby to take him to Connecticut (not realizing how big the USA was.) The cabby said that is quite a ways from here and quite costly. No problem I have to deliver a message for an old lady in Ireland. “Do you know Harry Dunn? He asked the cabby. “No I don’t think so” the cabby replied. The lad told the cabby that he lived in a little white house in Connecticut. So the cabby said when we get over the line I will pull into a station and you can ask the attendant if he knows you friend Harry Dunn. So when they crossed over into Connecticut the cabby pulled into a little country service station. The boy jumped out as the attendant was coming to the car. The boy asked the attendant if he knew Harry Dunn and he said no. Where is the little white house? The attendant pointed and said right behind the station down that path, so the boy trotted down the path to the little white house (Privy-john) He jerked the door open and there stood a man zipping up his pants “Are you Dunn?” asked the lad. Yes I’m done replied the man. “I have a message for you.” ‘What is the message” asked the man. “Write to your mother, she is worried sick over you.”

Confucius say: “Beans in sandy soil causes Dust in the Wind”

A sadist and a masochist were locked in a room together. In a very short while the masochist began to freak out, begging "Hit me, hit me!” To which the sadist replied, “No"

A young man bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved on it?” asked the clerk. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the realistic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”

A little old lady was among a group at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. “What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, “is that?” He smiled condescendingly. “That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.” “Well, then” snapped the little old lady, “Why isn’t it?”

A patient tell his therapist: “I feel awful. I feel like a spoon all the time.” The therapist says: “sit still and don’t stir.”

When a doctor remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “high blood pressure, Doc. It runs in my family.” “Your mother’s side or your father’s?” the doctor asked. “Neither,” the patient replied. “It’s from my wife’s family.” “Oh, come now,” said the doctor “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?” He sighed. “You oughta meet’em sometime, Doc!”

An orthopedic surgeon was moving to a new office, with the help of his staff. One of the nurses sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, a bony arm across the back of the seat. On the drive across town, she stopped at a traffic light, and the stares of the people in the neighboring car compelled her to roll down her window and yell, I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” The other driver leaned out of is window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

This scientist was telling a colleague, "I have worked for many years to develop an acid that would eat anything and I finally did it.” So I invested everything I had and could borrow into it. “You must have made a fortune,” commented his friend. “No! I lost all my investments. I couldn't find anything to ship it in.” replied the scientist.

After struggling for many hours deep within the forest of stately hardwoods, the new lumberjack finally quit. He just couldn't hack it.

Dean and Jerry were riding a train across the west. Jerry looked out the window and saw a whole lot of buffalo roaming the range. Look at that big bunch of buffalo said Jerry. Dean: Don’t say bunch say herd. Jerry: Heard what. Dean: Herd of buffalo. Jerry: Sure I’ve heard of buffalo. Dean: No... you don’t understand, a buffalo herd. Jerry: I don’t care what a buffalo heard I ain”t said nothing that I’m ashamed of.

Calvin sees Elmer and asks, "What’s up?" Elmer says, "First I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations." "Boy, you had quite a time." "I’ll say! I thought I’d never pull through that spelling test."

A man walks into a barber shop and asks; “how much for a hair cut?” The barber said $12.50. The man asks; “and how much for a shave?” The barber said $1.50. The man then says SHAVE IT ALL.

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!” “Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”

Asia was by far my favorite destination,” the woman bragged at the party, though she had never been out of the United States. “Enigmatic and magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster.” “What about the pagodas?” a man besides her asked. “Did you see them?” “Did I see them? My dear, I had dinner with them.”

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper. The others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch. A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two. “Oh yes,” he said. “They‘re my friends.” “In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!” “Yes, sir,” the man replied and he began rowing furiously.

Two passengers on a ship are talking. “Can you swim?” Asks one. “No,” says the other, “but I can shout for help in nine languages.”

In a darken theater where the suspenseful mystery story was being staged, a member of the audience suddenly stood up and cried, “Where is the murdered?” A threatening voice behind her replied, “Right in back of you, if you don’t sit down!”