Jokes

At the movie theater, a young man returning to his seat taps the arm of a woman in the last seat in the row. “Excuse me,” he says, “but did I step on your toe on the way out?” “As a matter of fact, you did,” says the woman, expecting an apology. “Oh good,” says the man, “then this is my row.”

A tired traveler decided to find a hotel for the night. He stumbled to the front desk and said to the clerk, “Pardon me, I’m exhausted, I’ve been driving for fourteen hours, I’m hungry, and I have a headache. Can you just tell me what room I’m in?” “Certainly, sir,” the helpful clerk replied. “You are in the lobby.”

A woman stopped at a historic old hotel and asked the desk clerk for the room rates. “A room on the first floor is none hundred and fifty dollars; on the second floor, one hundred and forty dollars, and on the third floor, one hundred and thirty dollars.” The woman turned to leave. “Don’t you like the accommodations?” asked the clerk. “Oh, yes, it’s great,” replied the woman. “It just isn’t tall enough.”

A magician was facing an unruly crowd as his tricks failed to impress them. To cheer them up, the magician said: 'could any one please give me an egg. For I shall show you a marvelous trick' One at the last row shouted: 'If we had an egg with us, it would have reached you long before'

Did you hear about the dead cabbage? There was a big turnip at the funeral.

After a lady’s car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the store to get another bag to finish the job. The clerk remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he said, “Lady, if that were my cat, I’d put him outside!”

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

A man was checking into a hotel when he saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near the hotel elevator. Talking to the man behind the desk, he asked, "Does your dog bite?" The attendant said, "No, he doesn't." But as the man let his hand down to pat the dog, it bit his hand and held on so tightly that the man had to throw him across the room. Returning to the desk, the man said, "I thought you said that your dog didn't bite." He directed the attendant's attention to the dog, who now had returned to the rug. The attendant simply answered, "My friend that is NOT my dog."

What’s the good part about Alzheimer’s diseased? You keep meeting new friends.

Dotty came into the office all aflutter about her husband, “You won’t believe this, Terry, but George takes a fishing- pole into the bathroom and tosses the hook into the tub.” “You’ve got to be kidding,” gasped Terry. “Don’t you think you should take him to a psychiatrist?” “No time,” replied Dotty with a shrug. “I’m too busy cleaning fish.”

Visiting a genealogist, a man asked how much it would cost to have his family tree traced. “It could cost thousands of dollars,” said the woman. “I see. Well, isn’t there an easier way? A less expensive way?” “Sure,” she replied. “Run for president.”

Carl used to practice meditation on an old mat. His wife was not happy about the worn-out mat. One day Carl found the rug missing from its usual place. “Where is it?” he asked her sternly. “It has achieved nirvana,” she retorted.

A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didn’t seem happy. “What’s wrong?” the friend asked. “You just became a millionaire!” “I know,” he groaned, “but I can’t imagine why I bought that second ticket!”

A man visiting New York stopped at a restaurant which claimed it could supply any dish ordered, so the tourist asked the waiter for Kangaroo on toast. The waiter came back a while later and said, “I am so sorry, sir, but we have run out of bread.”

Three rather deaf friends meet on the street; “Windy, isn’t it? Said one. “No, it’s Thursday,” said the second. “So am I,” said the third. “Let’s go and have a beer.”

“Hello, Operator, you gave me the wrong number!” said the young man, quite upset about it. "I’m calling Hope5567.“ "There is no such exchange as Rope,” said the operator. “Hope,” replied the man angrily. “H like in Harry, O for Otto, P for Peter and E for Edward.” “Gee,” said the operator, “that phone booth must be awfully crowded, but what number do you want?”

On a visit to Chicago, a woman was eager to visit a posh department store a few blocks from her hotel. Her husband agreeably hailed a cab. “The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus,” he told the driver. The cabby looked over his shoulder at them. “And the gentleman?” he asked. “Does he want to go to the bank?”

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train." Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!

An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon but he didn’t arrive until 5 hours later. “How is it?” he asked entering the house. “Not so bad,” replied the home owner. “While we were waiting for you to arrive I taught my wife how to swim.”

Years ago someone in California hollered “Gold,” and people drove from all directions. That’s the way they still drive in California.

The girl’s car couldn’t get started and traffic was tied up for blocks. The light turned green, then yellow, then red. “Whatsa madda, miss,” shouted the officer. “Don’t you like any of our colors?”

This guy was serving a life sentence in solitary and he was about to go out of his mind, so one day he saw this little ant crawling across the floor. He thought I got the rest of my life, so I could train this little ant, at the same time give me something to do and relieve the stress. So he started teaching the little ant. Many years went by and with the help of courses and lessons he had got in the mail he taught the little ant all about law. The little ant got so good at his new trade that he got the man freed. When the papers heard his story they went wild. When he left the prison a bunch of scientist met him at the gate. He carried the little ant in a match box in his shirt pocket. He showed him to the scientist. They offered him thousands of dollars for the little ant, to use in their research. But he refused them saying “this little ant and I have been together for so long I could not part with him, it was he that got me out of prison" So they started on their way. "What would you like to do?" asked the man. “I would like to go to a bar like you told me so much about" answered the little ant. So off they went to find a bar. In the bar the man started drinking and would give the little ant a drop from time to time. So feeling good he started pestering the bartender. "Do you know who I am?" he asked the bartender, “No, I don't" said the bartender" "I'm the man the papers have been writing so much about." "Still don't know you" said the bartender and off he went. So he took the little ant out of the box and sat him on the bar. Calling the bartender over he said "You see that little ant there on the bar?” “I sure do," and with his thumb the bartender squashed the little and said "How the hell he got in here, I just exterminated the place yesterday!

Mary goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Mary walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.” “I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist. “Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earring.” “Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

A man being interviewed for a job was asked his name. My name is Morris M. Morris he replied. What does the M stand for? Nothing he replied they just stuck it in to break the monotony.

Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”

Q. Why did the elephant cross the road? A. Because it was the chicken's day off!

After the telephone was installed in her home, the lady called the operator. “My telephone cord is too long,” she said. “Would you please pull it a little from your end?”

Patty met Eric and said; that’s a nice suit you are wearing. Eric: Oh, do you like it? Patty: Yes, who went for the fitting?

A drunk guy approaches a cute girl in a singles bar. “Hi Babe, how about a date? He says. “Don’t waste your time. I never go out with a perfect stranger.” “It seems we are both in luck. I’m far from perfect.”