Jokes

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.” “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars."

Gracie was driving down the road in her pickup truck when she spotted a blonde sitting in a canoe in the middle a corn field. She slammed on her brakes and swerved into the corn field. Pulling up beside the blonde, she rolled down her window and shouted, "Hey! What do you think you're doing?!?" The blonde in the canoe looked at her, confused and said, "Well, I'm just out enjoying the sun in my canoe." Gracie was fuming. She yelled back, "Why are you out in the middle of the cornfield!?!" "Well, it seemed like a great day to be in the wide open," the blonde replied. "You know," Gracie said, "It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your butt!"

Have you ever watched Night of the Living Dead? I see a rerun of it every morning in the mirror!

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant, at first he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest. “Oh, that man I don’t care.” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

Me: One day, son, ALL this will be yours. *points to friendzone*

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

Where would Voldemort go if he played the saxophone? Jazzkaban.

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, “You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.”

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger. First Blonde: I can’t seem to get this door unlocked! Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin: “For best results, put on two coats”.

Blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, “Where did you get that?” The pig replied, “I won her in a raffle!”

The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. “Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”

Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first? Answer: The brunette – the blonde would have to stop for directions!

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” But the blonde insisted saying, “No. A bet’s a bet.” Then the redhead said “Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money.” The blonde replied “Well, so did I, but I didn’t think he would jump again!”

Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.

Here's how I will improve my odds if I were a Bond-film-villain: • I will not burst into rage and kill the messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I am. Good messengers are hard to come by. • My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. • If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him. • My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. • When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off.

1) Teen age - Have time + energy , but no money 2) Working age - Have money + energy , but no time 3) Old age - Have time + money , but no energy

Q: How much does it cost a pirate to get ear rings? A: A Buck-an-ear.

Q: Why would they not let the Pirate into the theater? A: Because it was rated rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Love is like peeing yourself – everyone can see but only you feel the warmth.

I got robbed at the gas station today. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it. I said, "Yes, pump number six."

What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear !!!

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?They each got six months

A man with stutter went to a restaurant for dinner and ordered a steak, the waitress came with a salt cracker and asked, "Would you like some salt, sir?". The man replied "Ye..yes, p...p...please add...". The waitress cracks some salt onto the man's steak while the man persisted "...add...add...add...". Salt quickly piled up the steak like a tiny mountain, but the man would not stop insisting on adding more. Just when the waitress was about to stop and question, the stuttered man finally shouts out "...add...add...add just a little bit!!".

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

An Atheist, a vegan and a CrossFitter walk into a bar. How do you know? They'll tell you.

Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one looks at the other and says - Does this taste funny to you?

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is soaked in the blood and tears of the innocent.

An aspiring actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career. “How’s it going?” the agent asks. “It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider two films with me.” “Two?” he agent replies. “Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”