Jokes

Mamma Bird: "Are you feeling alright? What's wrong?" Baby Bird: "I shouldn't have eaten that caterpillar sandwich before the interview. Now I have butterflies in my stomach."

Special Offer! Panhandler: "Please sir, can you give me $10?" Man: "Sorry, don't have any change. All I have is a $50 bill." Panhandler: "No problem sir, if you donate $50 today, you can take advantage of the 10% cash back offer!"

How do superstars stay cool? With the help of their fans!

"Hey, why are you standing in the sun?" "I am just drying my sweat."

At a store, a lady stood in line waiting to pay for her items. Three men stood before her in the line. After 15 minutes she realized that the line wasn't moving at all. She shouted at the cashier, "Is this line going to take all day long?" The cashier replied, "Please step aside ma'am and come here. You are standing behind three mannequins."

I was trying to lose weight... I saw cake... Cake saw me... Cake has now disappeared!!!

Friend: "You shouldn't be gambling. One day you may win but you will lose the next day. The following day you may win again but the very next day you may lose." Me: "Oh, I hear you! But don't worry, I will not be gambling daily... only on alternate days!"

"I have really good eyesight. Even in the dark, I can see things that are far away." "Really, like what things?" "Well, the moon and the stars."

A sleeping beggar puts a sign in front of him. The sign reads: Please do not make noise by dropping coins... Use dollar bills instead.

Husband: "I want to tattoo your name on me. What do you think, shall I do it on my arm or neck?" Wife: "How about on your will?"

Mahendra was in the hospital after hurting his head. His friend, Roshan came to meet him. Roshan: How did you hurt your head? Mahendra: I was using a stick to break a rock. A passerby told me to use my head!

"Mom says that drinking a buffalo's milk makes us smarter." "She's lying. If it did make one smarter, then the buffalo's calves would be scientists."

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Do you have anything else to add?" asked the manager. "Well, yes," said the member. "I also lie extensively."

Baker: "These are the best cakes, ma'am. We have been baking them for years!" Customer: "May I have a cake that was baked today, please?"

Jake: "I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortable seated." Lily: "So what do you do?" Jake: "I close my eyes."

A married couple were quarreling. Wife: You said you would love me more after marriage? Husband: I did, but I didn't think you would say yes.

Be careful when you follow the masses... Sometimes the "m" is silent!

Question: What do you call it when a fellow sings very badly in the shower? Answer: A-crappello!

Store keeper: Good morning Sir! How may I help you? Customer: Why is this water bottle cost so much? It's $20 per liter! Store Keeper: Sir, this is pure water from an ancient glacier of the Alps. That's why it is very costly. Customer: Pure water from the Alps, huh? Then why is the date of expiration September 2017?

MAN: Have you finished ironing my silk shirt? BUTLER: Yes, sir. MAN: Then please bring it here. I have to get dressed! BUTLER: Sir, I was ironing and someone knocked on the door. I went to open it and when I came back I could smell something burning.... MAN: Don't tell me you've burnt my shirt! BUTLER: I... yes, I did. MAN: Oh, no! Fortunately I have another silk shirt in the cupboard. BUTLER: I know that, sir. That's why I cut it up and patched up the one I burnt!

The majority of people in the world understand that in order to become a highly successful, professional athlete or Olympian, one must endure grueling hours of training, strict discipline, physical pain, profuse sweating, and very often severe cases of Athlete's Foot. This in turn leads me to say, that the familiar, old adage needs to be changed to... "The Thrill Of Victory And The Smell Of De-feet!"

Irony- getting CPR from someone with bad breath! The one that is trying to make you breathe, is the same one that is taking your breath away.

Why did the Engineering grad became a pilot? In order to "land" himself a job!

What did the new Washing Machine tell the Old Refrigerator? "Whatever you do, don't lose your 'cool'!"

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!!

Have you ever noticed... How the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle, are the ones who arrive last and who will leave during the performance?

An American tourist was visiting a small village in Newfoundland. He approached a local person and asked, "What's the quickest way to Marystown?" The local, scratched his head, "Are ya walkin' er drivin'?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving," said the stranger. "Well, that's the quickest way."

A magician comes up to our table and does a card trick. Impressed, I asked him how he did it. He says "I can tell you, but I'd then have to kidnap you and take you away." I said, "Can you tell my mother in law?"

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? "CURSES, FOIL AGAIN!"