Jokes

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?" The guy on the street picks up an ear and yells back, "Is this it?" "No," replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"

A PhD student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.” “Me first! Me first!” says the PhD student. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman.” Poof! He’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the post-doc. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.” Poof! He’s gone. “You’re next,” the Genie says to the professor. The professor says, “I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.”

After a hard day at work I decided to ride my bicycle to town to wind down a bit. I came into town and decided I’d go in the liquor store to get a bottle of scotch. I came out of store and since my bike had a basket in front, I put bottle in there. It occurred to me that if I fell over with the bike, the bottle of scotch would break. So I decided to drink scotch an then head home. So I did. Good thing too, as I fell over 10 times on the way home.

Which race has no running? A swimming race.

Wife: "I wish I were Juliet, and I had a Romeo..." Husband: "If you would have been Juliet, I don't think Romeo would've chosen to die."

What does a tree drink? Root beer.

A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” The bartender looks confused but gives him another beer. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?” The man answers, “Now the problems start!”

What do you call a person wearing ear plugs? Anything you want. They can't hear you.

Three comedians are shooting the breeze in the dressing room of a nightclub after a late gig. They've heard one another’s material so much that they've reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other, they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up. “Number 53!” says the second person, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn't 44 funny?” “Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”

Photographer: "Now say cheese!!!" Dumb Girl: "Actually, I am dieting, so can I say oats or something that's a little healthier?"

"What would you like for your birthday?" "Nothing would make me happier than a guitar!" "Great, I'll get you nothing then."

A man climbs up to the top of a mountain. He shouts "I love you!" and waits for the echo. The echo comes replies, "I have a boyfriend!"

Boy: "How old are you?" Girl: "I'm not saying. You know, you shouldn't ask a girl her age." Boy: "Oh, okay. By the way, what's your email address?" Girl: "It's [email protected], why?"

Jack: “I am a master of fast calculations.” Jenny: “Okay, what is 758 times 642, divided by 5?” Jack: “22!” Jenny: “Ha-ha, that’s wrong!” Jack: “I said I was fast, I didn't say anything about accurate!”

A man arrives at the repair shop to pick-up his watch. Clerk: "I haven't finished repairing it yet. just give me a few more minutes. Man: "Sure, no problem." The man goes and stands right next to the clerk, who notices him but continues working. After a while, he can't take it anymore. Clerk: "Why are you sticking so close to me?" Man: "I'm only doing what the sign outside your door says." Clerk: "And what is that, may I ask?" Man: "It says, 'Watch Repairs.'"

She texted me: Your adorable! I replied: No. You're adorable! Now she likes me a lot. All I did was point out her typo.

What do you call a police officer in the time of the dinosaurs? A Triceracop!

"Stop making a big deal out of it, it's not a big deal." "Sometimes the smallest things hurt the most." "How so?" "Well, you can sit comfortably on a mountain, but you can't on a needle!"

"Whose car is this?" "Mine! I just picked it up from the car dealer. You like it?" "It's great, congratulations!" "Thanks, but it's just a second hand one. Would you like to take it for a spin?" "Really? You don't mind?" "Not at all." Five Minutes Later- "What'd going on? I thought you were taking the car for a spin? "Just give me a minute. I'm just trying to decide something." "What?" "Well, you said it's a second hand car, but I just can't decide which is my first hand and which is the second?"

A man brought some prescription tablets and started cutting off the edges. Do you know why? He wanted to avoid the side effects.

Always remember you are unique... Just like everyone else!

Father: "Take a look at and learn something from your classmate Lucy. She got an A on the last exam." Son: "Actually Dad, that's the reason I failed... I WAS looking at her."

John: "Hey Rick, why are you standing below the tube light with your mouth open?" Rick: "Because the doctor told me to have a light dinner, but I don't think this is working."

Boy to boy: 1 minute Boy to dad: 30 seconds Boy to mom: 2 minutes Boy to girl: 1 hour Girl to girl: 2 hours Girl to boy: 1 Missed call Husband to wife: 15 seconds Wife to husband: 15 missed calls

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons... For you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

A new student from France starts his first day in an American school. After class he is given his first assignment to write down 3 things of anything he sees that he likes and then bring it to class and share the next day. As he walks home from school he sees an airplane take off, so he writes down “Take off”. He then makes his way past a daycare center that had pictures of animals in the windows so he chooses and writes down “Zebra”. Then out of the daycare center walks a mother holding her baby so he writes down “Baby”. The next day, he is asked to stand in front of the class and read his list. He smoothly says in his French accent, “Take off, zebra, baby!”

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work? If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what happens?

Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tra’-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s Archives \ar’-kivs\: What Noah kept the bees in. Avoidable \a-void’-a-ble\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

"You must've been hungry? I noticed you've eating at this wedding for an hour now!" "I'm full, but the wedding card said dinner is from 8-10 pm..."

What do we learn from animals like Buffaloes, Elephants and Cows? That not everyone can lose weight by eating greens and salads and walking as well.