Jokes

For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, my friend couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She’s beautiful, isn’t she?" I said, "If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!" He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she’s an optician!"

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such treatment, the man tries the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it now!" The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

A very self-centered actor was hauled into a court as a witness. When asked to state his occupation he announced quit confidently, "I am the world's greatest actor." "Why did you tell them that?" a friend inquired afterward. "Had to," was the answer. "I was under oath."

John: Do you know how we can make varnish disappear? Joseph: No. How can we make it disappear? John: Just remove the letter "r" and it will vanish!

"Time separates the best of friends," said one women to another. "How true," replied the other. "Twenty years ago we were fifteen, now you're thirty-five and I'm twenty-nine!"

I came home from work this evening and said to my wife, "Are we having salad for dinner?" "Yes we are, how did you know?" she asked. I replied, "Because I can't hear the smoke alarm."

I was having trouble with my computer at work so I called IT Support... He said, "Have you tried disabling cookies?" I said, "Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man?"

An actress who suffered from an inferiority complex was complaining to her psychiatrist. "I'm a nothing!" she cried. "I can't sing. I can't remember my lines. I can't dance, I can't even act. I really don't belong in show business." "Why don't you quit?" the doctor asked. "I can't," moaned the actress. "I'm a Star!"

A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide. It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard. They're going to call it: "Coffee with Kareem and Sugar"

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

When walking into a casino, you are handed a sucker... Are they trying to tell you something?

Waiter: These are the best eggs we have had for years! Customer: Well, bring me some you haven't had around for that long!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!"... everyone just cheered.

Skeleton 1: This isn't your best work. Skeleton 2: I know. My heart isn't in it.

What happens when the queen burps? She issues a royal pardon.

What European capital has the most ghosts? Boo-dapest!

What did the mother ghost say to the naughty baby ghost? "You only spook when you are spooken to!"

Why did the boy throw butter out the window? Because he wanted to see a butter fly!

How did the doofus fall on the floor? He tripped over the cordless phone.

"How did the man feel after being run over by a car?" Answer: "Tired."

Where did Marco Polo die? At the deep end of the pool.

Friend 1: "Hey, how did you hurt your head?" Friend 2: "Have you seen that electric pole which is exactly next to the school gate?" Friend 1: "Yes." Friend 2: "Yeah well, I didn't see it."

Dorothy, The Tin Man, The Scarecrow, and The Cowardly Lion are all playing high stakes Texas Hold’em in Oz. After a few hours, when it came to betting the antes, The Scarecrow turns to Dorothy and says, “Dorothy, we all put up our antes. Where’s your ante?” Dorothy quickly replied, “I’ve already told you. My auntie’s in Kansas!”

"The letter 'W' is the most dangerous alphabet in the world. Because all worries start with 'W'.... Who, Why, What, When, Which, Whom, Where, War, Wine, Whisky, and Wealth." "You're forgetting one." "Really? Which one?" "Wife!"

Why did the singer climb the ladder? To reach the high notes.

What do silk worms think about global warming? Nothing. They don’t read the newspapers!

"Hey, man! Please call me a taxi."   "You got it! (Pause) Sir, YOU are a taxi!"

A 70 year old man asked his wife, "Do you feel sad when you see me running behind younger women?" The wife replies, "No, not at all. Even dogs chase cars, doesn't mean they can drive them."