Jokes

An elderly man constantly called his doctor at all hours of the day and night and would then keep him on the phone with a litany of imagined ailments. Finally the doctor could take it no longer. "Listen, Mr. Becker. If you wake me up again in the middle of the night with another one of your tales about some made-up ailment, i am going to insist you go to another physician. Have I made myself clear?" And he hung up the phone. A week later, the unfortunate man slipped and fell down a flight of stairs, breaking his hip, two ribs, en elbow, and suffering a concussion. He was rushed to the hospital and put in intensive care. An hour later, his doctor walked in on him, saw his condition, and beamed, "Now I think you're getting the hang of it!"

An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?" The old man grabs the old woman's hand. Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?" The old man puts his arm around the old woman. Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?" To the old woman's surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. "Honey, where are you going?" she says. The old man replies, "I'm going to get my dentures."

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her. So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her. Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval. Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that! Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car." Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"  "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."  "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"  Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"  "You mean a rose?"  "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?" 

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

Two elderly ladies meet at the market after not seeing each other for some time. One asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Rodger died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead right there in the vegetable patch." "Oh dear, I'm sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"  "Opened a can of peas instead."

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.  "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.  "But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"  "But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.  "But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.  The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.  "Yup," Scott answered.  "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.  "I forgot."

A little old lady came home from shopping and found a robber in her kitchen. Scared and not knowing what to do, she raised her hand and quoted the Scripture "Acts 2:38." The robber froze in his tracks, so she called the police. When the policeman came, he saw this robber standing perfectly still and wondered what the lady had done. He asked her, and she replied, "I just quoted some Scripture." The policeman turned to the robber and said, "Why did that Scripture make you act this way?" The robber replied, "Scripture, what Scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38s."

The elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a lengthy divorce trial. The judge addressed the woman who was seventy-five years old, "So, Mrs. C., after 50 years of marriage, love tears, babies, grandbabies, birthdays, sicknesses and joys, why now do you want to divorce Mr. C.?" Mrs.C. looked at her husband and then at the judge and replied to the judge, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"

My brother remembers the day when a police car pulled up to grandma's house and grandpa got out. The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park. ''Why, Bill,'' said Grandma, ''You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?'' Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, ''Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.''

Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game. His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!'' Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you." As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink." The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water." "All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one." The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?" The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

The old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, "Sir, would you address this postcard for me?" The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old man thought a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting."

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Theater Manager: "Your second act was magnificent, Miss De Fleur! Your suffering was almost real." Miss De Fleur: "It was, I've got a nail in my shoe." Theater Manager: "Well, for heaven's sake leave it in until the third and final act is complete."

After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily. “Wow,” the woman said. “I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car.” “Actually,” I replied, “that’s my husband.”

Wayne, who has been impatiently waiting for a friend: "Where have you been all afternoon?" Friend: "I just saw the movie 'Henry the Sixteenth'." Wayne: "You mean 'Henry the Eight', where did you get 'Henry the Sixteenth'?" Friend: "I sat through it twice."

A well known speaker lectured to the members of the literary society. After his address the secretary approached him with a check. This he politely refused, saying that it might be devoted to some charitable purpose. "Would you mind if we added it to our special fund? " she ask. "Not at all," said the speaker. "What is the special fund for?" "To allow us to get a better speaker for next year."

Two people went to the train station and as soon as they reached the station they found the train was just leaving so they started chasing the train, One of them managed to climb aboard and left. The other guy started laughing so hard. When asked why he was laughing that he got left behind, he said, "The reason I'm laughing is because the guy who got on the train was just escorting me!"

My wife kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad. But don’t worry... I’ll return!

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," the man laughed. "I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"

Father: Why don't you answer the door? Son: Because it didn't ask a question!

A lady came to an IT shop and asked the shop assistant, “Do you have Bark-code equipment?” The shop assistant was confused and answered, “Madam, you probably mean a Bar-code reader, don't you?” The lady said, “No, I want to understand why my dog is barking at me!”

A man walked into a record store and asked the assistant, “Have you got anything by The Doors?” “Yes,” she said, “a bucket and a fire extinguisher.”

A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked, "What's that big brass basin for?" "That's the talking clock," answered the man. He gave it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Knock it off! Don't you know that it's 2:00 A.M.!"

At an election booth, a woman was applying electoral ink to her forefinger. She asked, "How long will this last?" The officer replied, "60 days!" The woman asks, "Could you please color my hair as well?"

Is there a difference in a smart person and a stupid person? No, as both think they know everything.

i enjoy the comedy technique of Self-Deprecation... But I am not very good with it.

My friend: "I work at Google!" Me: "That's great, I google at work."

Dietitian: Did you follow the course that I have given you 4 weeks ago? Client: Yes, of course! Dietitian: So did you lose at least 4lbs ? Client: No! I lost 4 weeks!