Jokes

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?" The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43." Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells. "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor. So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!" Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..." Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, what can I put on my yellowish tooth?" Dentist: "A brown tie will suit perfectly."

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, nobody pays attention to me…" And the doctor says, "Next please..."

A man walks into the Doctors with an apple in one ear, a banana in the other ear and grapes up his nose. He says, "Doctor, what's happening to me?" The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist.

In the doctors office two patients are talking "You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake" "A sponge!" exclaims the other "And do you feel much pain" "No pain at all", says the first, "but do I get thirsty!"

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." "And did he?" "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says."Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks. "10..." says the doctor." 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately."10...9...8...7..."

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?" "Yes, of course..." "Great! I never could before!"

What do you call an anesthesiologist who shows up for work wearing a rabbit suit? An ether bunny!

A psychiatrist’s secretary went into her boss's office. Secretary: "Sir, someone would like to see you. Claims he's invisible." Psychiatrist: "Tell him I can't see him."

A man entered his doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana stuck in his right ear. "Doc," he asked, "What's wrong with me?" "Simple," replied the doctor, "You aren't eating right."

-Doctor,doctor,what did you say.... Piscis, Aquarius...??? -No! I said Cancer.!!!

-A man goes to the dentist and says: -My teeth are kind of yellow, what do you recommend? -A brown tie!!!

Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confronted by a policeman. "Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?" asked the policeman. Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said, "No, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer." "The second followed his lead and said, "My names is William, W.H. Smith." The third said, "My name is Ken... Ken Tuckyfriedchicken!"

Cop: So, I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the carpool lane. Criminal: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk!

The lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to the court: "Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right arm and removed a few trifling articles. Now my clients arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish an individual committed by one of his limbs." The Judge considered this argument for several minutes then declared: "That argument is very well put. Following it logically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses. The defendant smiled, stood up and his lawyer helped him unscrew his clients cork arm, and, leaving it with the Judge and walked out.

Victim (after burglary): They stole everything from my house but the soap and towels. Policeman: Why, those dirty crooks!

The same guy has robbed the same bank three times in the last 30 days. The FBI, in charge of preventing a fourth robbery ask the nervous bank teller, "Have you noticed anything in particular about the robber?" "Yes," the teller replied. "I notice that each time he comes into the bank he's much better dressed."

I freaked out the electrician by opening the door in just my underwear. I couldn’t tell what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact that I was practically naked or that I got into his house.

Pickpocket (visiting friend in jail): "I hired a lawyer for you this morning, Slim, but I had to hand him my Rolex as a retainer." Slim: "Did he keep it?" Pickpocket: "He thinks he did."

An inmate at the local detention center was sitting in his cell playing solitaire. Another inmate was watching. Finally the kibitzer spoke up, "Wait a minute. I just caught you cheating yourself." "Shhh! Don't tell anybody but for years I've been cheating at solitaire. " "You don't say! Did you ever catch yourself cheating,?" "Nah, I'm too clever."

A criminal has an idea for a business. To execute the crooked plan he hires a partner. He explains everything, “First, you secretly flatten people’s car tires. Then, offer our tire changing service through an advertisement. Got it?” A few weeks later, after getting no customers, the cops show up at their tire changing garage, placing them under arrest due to suspicious advertising. On the way to jail, the criminal who thought up the plan asks the partner about the advertisement. “Well, I had a great idea. I realized we could save ourselves a lot of time by stabbing our flyer directly into the tire.”

The bank robber enters the bank with his gun drawn in plain sight. He walks to the middle of the lobby, pauses for a few seconds, turns around a couple of times, and then approaches a teller. Then scratching his temple with the gun barrel, he says to the teller, "Do you ever enter a room and forget why?"

After separate but lengthy trials two guys meet in a prison-cell and tried to get the upper or lower bunk. PRISONER #1: How long are you here for?  PRISONER#2 : Twenty-seven years. Hwo long are you in for?  PRISIONER #1 : Twenty-five years.  PRISONER #2 : Well,then, you sleep by the door: you'll get out before me. 

A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a corrections officer, "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" The officer laughs, saying, "Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!" "That's not true!" she shouts. "He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

Two small time thieves had been sent by the Big Boss to steal a van load of goods from a bathroom suppliers. One stayed in the van as look out and the other went into the storeroom. Fifteen minutes went by, then half an hour, then an hour, and no sign of him. The look out finally grew impatient and went to look for his partner. Inside the store the two came face to face. "Where have you been?" demanded the worried look out. "The boss told me to take a bath, but I couldn't find the soap and a towel.

A first-time prisoner is placed in his cell with a cellmate. Before long it is time for "lights out" and the cell-block becomes dark nearly silent. Eventually, a voice from across the cell-block cries out "twenty-two!" and everyone breaks out into loud and prolonged laughter. A little while later another voice calls out "forty-one!" and again the entire cell-block enjoys a hearty laugh. The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what this is all about. The cellmate replies that they have been in prison so long that rather than tell the same jokes over and over, they have assigned numbers to them as a more efficient way to tell jokes. The new prisoner asks if he could give it a try. His cellmate says, "Sure, why not tell number eighteen!" No response whatsoever, not even a snicker. The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what went wrong. The cellmate replies, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."