Jokes

According to the scholar, an internist knows everything and does nothing, a surgeon does everything and knows nothing, and a psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing. Only a pathologist knows everything and does everything…too late.

Feeling dizzy and nauseous, Bill went to the doctor. “So,” said the doctor as bill sat on the examining table, “what seems to be the problem?” At once Bill shot his feet, grabbed his hat and coat, and stormed toward the door. “What’s the matter?” claimed the doctor. “The nerve of you!” Bill snapped. “All those years of medical school, and you want me to make the diagnosis!”

While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient’s shins were covered with dark bruises. “Tell me,” said the doctor, “do you play hockey or soccer?” “Neither,” said the man. “My wife and I play bridge.”

This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you of?" The guy replied, "A naked woman." Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, "A naked woman on a bed." This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot. The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are a sick pervert." The guy replied, "I'm not the pervert here. You're the one who keeps showing me all those dirty pictures."

Eight men have been at a mental hospital for a period of time and are being tested to find out how they are progressing in order for them to leave the institution. The doctor in charge takes them all into a room and with a ball pen draws a door on the wall and asks each one of the patients to try and open the door for him as part of the test. Seven of them rushed out and attempted to open the door on the wall. The doctor was disappointed with the results but never the less call on the last one who was still sitting down and asked him why didn’t he stand up and try to open the door with the others. The eighth man replied: “because I was holding the key to the door”

Doctor: You need Glasses Patient: How did you know? Doctor: I could tell, when you walk through the window!

“Doctor, doctor! My family thinks I’m mad!” “Why is that?” “I like sausages.” “There’s nothing strange about that. I like sausages too.” “Really? You must come and see my collection – I’ve got thousands!”

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a goat.” “How long have you been like this?” “Since I was a kid.”

A depressed patient went to see his primary care doctor as a routine check-up. The patient always looked stressed and depressed. After the examination and review all the patient's medicine (total of 8 different medications and some of them instruct to take two and three times a day) the doctor said " you must drink a lot of fluids when taking each of these medications “The patient was quiet and spoke softly to himself " then I don't think I have to eat anything else".

Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice. “I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.” The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money. “Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?” “Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.” And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc., everytime I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye." The doctor says, "Try taking the spoon out first."

A Man rushed into a doctor's office, jumped on his back, and started screaming, "One! Two! Three! Four!" "Wait a minute!" yelled the doctor, trying to get free. “What do you think you're doing?" The man said, "Well doctor, they did say I could count on you!"

Doctor,” the man said to his ophthalmologist, “I was looking in the mirror this morning, and I notice that one of my eyes is different from the other!” “Oh”? Replied the doctor “Which one?”

Psychiatrist to patient: "You have nothing to worry about - anyone who can pay my bill is certainly not a failure."

Having completed a course of analysis with his psychiatrist, John tells a friend: “I always thought I was indecisive” Friend: “And now?” John: “I’m not so sure.”

Patient: Doctor I've been seeing striped cows!" Doctor: "Have you seen a Psychiatrist?" Patient: "No only striped cows!"

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

An Antartican was in the therapist office: Dr. Hieden: Why are you here? Antartican: I tried to commit suicide by taking 1,000 aspirins!!!! Dr. hieden: What happened? Antartican: Well after the first two I felt better!!!!

A man is surprised to receives a call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news and some worse news." "Well, alright, give me the bad news first," said the man. "Well," said the doctor, "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live." "Holy Cow! That is some bad news!" the man exclaimed. "What news could be worse than that?" he asked. "The worse news is that I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."

A man walks into a doctor’s office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose. Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"

A woman was rushed into the hospital in an ambulance as she was just about to give birth to twins. She wasn't able to reach her husband, so she left message with her brother, who was going to meet her at the hospital. At the hospital the lady was in such pain that she had to be sedated. A couple of hours after the babies had been delivered, she woke up and asked to see her children. "Doctor, could you bring my babies to me so I can name them?" The doctor replied, "You don't need to worry about names, your brother has already named them. "Why did you let him name them, he has no sense! What did he name the little girl then?" "De-nise!" replied the doctor. "Oh that’s not too bad, I thought u were going to tell me he'd named her something awful. So what did he name the boy?" "De-nephew, of course."

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"  The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"  The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles." She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat." Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room." A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor so he made an appointment and showed up the next day. After the doctor examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the consultation. The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills. The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the green pill in the evening with a big glass of water. The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take asked the doctor what in the world was wrong with him. The doctor replied, "You aren't getting enough water."

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.  Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.  The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."  The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"  "Denise," the doctor says.  The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"  The doctor replies, DeNephew. 

A man's doctor told him one day, "I have bad news and worse news." "Give me the bad news first," the man said. The doctor replied, "The bad news is, you only have 24 hours to live." "What?!? That's terrible! What could possibly be worse?" The doctor's answer: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

What does it mean when the doctor says you have six months to live? You have five months to pay!  How can you tell if you have a cheap doctor? He takes Friday off to play miniature golf.  When does a doctor suggest emergency surgery? When he's ready for a new sports car!  What advice don't you want to hear from a doctor before an operation? Whatever you do, don't go into the light. 

A lady wasn't feeling well, so she went to the doctor. Doctor asked if she ever had chicken pox? Her reply: "No, but I have had chicken nuggets."

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."