Jokes

A psychiatrist was trying to comfort a new patient who was terribly upset. “You see, Doc,” the patient explained, “my problem is that I like shoes much better than I like boots.” “Why, that’s no problem,” answered the doctor. “Most people like shoes better than boots.” The patient was thrilled, “That’s neat, Doc. How do you like them, fried or scrambled?

“But doctor,” lamented the young husband in counseling, “whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical.” “You mean, hysterical,” said the doctor. “No, historical. She starts digging up my past.”

A man visiting a doctor says; Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment. The doctor replied; but you are not one of my patients. The man said: I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir.

A man visits his psychiatrist and talks about being haunted by visions of his departed relatives. He says; these ghosts are perched on the tops of fence posts around my garden every night. They sit there and watch me and watch me. What can I do? The psychiatrist says; that's easy … just sharpen the tops of the posts.

A man went to the psychiatrist because he had a fear of thunder. “Doc, I don’t know what to do,” said the man. The doctor replied, “That’s ridiculous. Thunder is a natural phenomenon – nothing to be afraid of. Whenever you hear thunder, do like I do: Put your head under the pillow and it will go away.”

Q: What do you call the Surgical Procedure you perform on a " Yellow Citrus Fruit" that has Spinal stenosis?. A: A Lemonectomy!

A doctor and a dentist fell in love with a same girl. One day, the dentist had to go abroad for one week to fulfill his work, so he gave the girl seven apples and asked her to eat one apple everyday. Know why? An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

The psychiatrist said sternly to the patient: “If you think you are walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you are crazy.”

After many sessions the psychiatrist says to his patient: Congratulations, Sir, you are cured. The patient says: Some cure. Before I was Alexander the Great. Now I’m nobody.

Somehow we always think we are aging at a slower rate than everyone else, this was true of this older woman who is seeing a doctor for the first time. She was taken into a room and told to “make herself comfortable.” While reading the doctor's diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago. The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says, “Hello, how can I help you?” The woman asks, “Did you attend Roosevelt High School?” “Yes I did,” the doctor answered. She asks, “Class of 49?” “Yes, I was,” was the answered. The woman was delighted, and said, “You were in my class!” The doctor responded, “What did you teach?”

Did you hear about the man in the hospital who's doctor came into his room an said "I have some bad and good news for you". The man said; “What is the bad news? The doctor said; "We need to cut off both your legs”. The man said, “What is the good news”. The doctor answered, “The man in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers!

Grandma Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling down the street when she met her physician Dr. Cohen. Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his early 60's asked the elderly lady-- "Mrs. Goldberg how are you feeling?" For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a terrible stare and then she said -- "You ask me how I'm feeling! I'll tell you how I'm feeling!! My legs hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast and I can't sleep!!! I have horrible headaches and stomach pains too!" The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with compassion, "If you're feeling so awful, why don't you come and see me right away?" Grandma Goldberg let out a sigh and said, "I was just waiting until I felt a little better."

Looking down at his patient, the doctor decided to tell him the truth. “I fell that I must tell you: You are a very sick man. I’m sure you would want to know the facts. I don’t think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see?” Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer, “Yes.” “Who is it?” In a little stronger tone, the patient said, “Another doctor.”

A doctor calls his patient and says, "The check you gave me for my bill came back?" The patient replied, "Well, so did my arthritis."

A doctor told his patient after reviewing his x-rays he needed surgery costing $5000.00. The patient said he only had $500.00 and what could be done. The doctor said, "Well, I can always touch-up your x-rays."

A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."

At a psychiatrist a man says, Doctor, I think there are two of me. The doctor replies, Well, why don’t you both sit down and one of you tell me all about it.

A man visits his doctor and says, doctor, I keep seeing green Martians before my eyes. The doctor asks have you seen a psychiatrist? The patient says, "No Only green Martians!"

A man goes to see his doctor because of a problem he is having concerning his memory. The man tells the doctor "I have been having lots of problems remembering things that happened in the past couple of hours, you know, my short term memory." The doctor replies "How long has this been going on?” The puzzled man looks back at the doctor and says "How long has what been going on?"

A man consults a therapist and states, “Doc, I’m suicidal. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Pay in advance.”

Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?" Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. "Yours is the tenth case I've treated; the others all died."

Patient: Doctor, doctor I think I swallowed a spoon! Doctor: Just sit patiently and try not to stir

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?" The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

What’s wrong, Doctor? You look puzzled.” “I can’t figure out exactly what’s wrong with you. I think it’s the result of heavy drinking.” “Well then, I’ll just come back when you’re sober.”

Patient: Doctor I have a sore throat, I ache, and have a fever. Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus. Patient: Everyone in the office has it. Doctor: Well then, maybe it’s a staff infection

Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes. Nurse: Have you seen a doctor? Patient: No, just spots.

A man goes to his doctor and says " Hi doc, remember me "? ' No, but what can I do for you? " "You know doc, I came to you two years ago. You said I had pneumonia, gave me some medicine and advised me to not to have a bath " " So? " " Well I'm fine now, thanks. I just wanted to know, can I have a bath now?"

A man goes to the hospital for its brain scan. According to the results: In his left brain no one's right And in his right brain nothing's left

This woman, who believed in natural birth, was having these abnormal contractions, went to see her Doctor. "Doc", she said, "I'm feeling these abnormal contractions". The Doctor took a listen, and said: "My dear lady, you’re going to be having triplets!" Baffled, the woman asked: "How can you tell?" The Doctor responded: "I hear inside: "No, you go first!" "No, you go first!" No, you go first!"

A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear. She says, "Doctor, can you help me? I don't feel well, and I cannot figure out what's wrong." The doctor replies; "Well my dear you are clearly not eating properly!"