Jokes

An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied. "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shimmying up and down that drainpipe!"

One morning at a doctor's office a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him, "OK, what happened to your back?" The patient replies, "You know that I work for a local night club right? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I strained my back" The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?" He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge." The 3rd patient arrives, he looks even worse than the other two Patients do.. The doctor is shocked. Again he asks,"What the heck happened to you?" "Well, I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor..."

A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live. Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order. "Oh yes, I've done that," said the old gentleman. "I've only got to make a will. And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!" The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?" Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!" The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going through your change!"

At a psychiatrist's office: - Do you consume alcohol? - No. - Do you smoke? - No. - Do you use drugs? - No. - Do you play cards? - No. - Do you run after other women? - No. - So why did you come to me? - You see, doc, I have one little problem... I lie a lot.

In a Psychiatric Hospital, a Journalist asks the Doctor: "How do you determine whether to admit a person as a patient or not? Dr: Well ... we'd fill a bathtub with water and then give a teaspoon, a glass and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub. Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger. Dr: No, a normal person would pull the drain plug! Please go to bed #39. We will soon start further investigations on you.

An engineer was removing the engine parts from a motorcycle when he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop. He went to him and said, "Look at this engine... I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired them and put them back, so why do I get such a small salary and you get huge sums?"   The doctor smiled at the engineer and came close to his ear and said, "Try the same when the engine is running." The engineer smiled back came close to doctors ear and said, "I can take any dead engine and make it alive again, can you?"

A man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fingers. At the emergency room, his doctor says, "Give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." The injured man replies, "But I don't have the fingers!" "Why didn't you bring them?" the doctor asks. The injured man responds, "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

The patient runs into his psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, I think I'm a tepee, no I think I'm a wigwam, no I think I'm a tepee, no I think I'm a wigwam, no I think I'm a tepee, no I think I'm a wigwam!" The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "Relax, you're just too tents!"

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels.  His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital.  Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor.   “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?”  The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”  “MAGGIE!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN DOCTOR!” “And is this her first child?” questioned the doctor. “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”

Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year."

Doctor: "What seems to be the problem today?" Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time." The Doctor nods, "Hmm." Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times." "Hmm," says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled "Thank you Doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?" "No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses, it stinks like a fermented diaper in here. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

My doctor called me a fine physical specimen. I later learned what these medicos call specimen.

What did the doctor say about your bladder infection? Urine trouble

After completing his annual physical on a patient. The doctor asked if there was anything that was bothering him. Joe said ya my Hearing. The doctor examined Joe's ear and removed some ear wax. He then asked Joe if his hearing was better. Joe said I don't know the hearing is next Tuesday

A small little lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it." Two weeks later it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!" "Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit." The little lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great,Doc, what did you do?" To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

I went to the doctor yesterday because I was having strange dreams. Told the doc that one night I dreamed I was a wigwam and the next night I dreamed I was a teepee. Doc told me to relax. I’m just two ‘tents’!

Don't Make a Nurse Angry A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..." - If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. - If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. - If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. - If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. - If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. - If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. - If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. - If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696 - If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. - If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. - If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. - If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. - If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. - If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you." - If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever. "Thank You and Have a Nice Day!"

A man goes to see his doctor. When he sits down the examining room, he has a green bean in each nostril, a carrot in one ear and a zucchini in the other. He says, “Doc, I don’t feel well.” The doctor looks and him and replies, “That's because you’re not eating well.”

A Doctor and an Advocate loved the same girl. The Doctor gave her a rose daily and the advocate gave the girl an apple. The girl got confused and asked the Advocate, "There is a meaning in giving rose in love. Why are you giving me an apple?" Advocate answered: Because, "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away!"

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Let me take care of it," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A scientist tells a pharmacist, "Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic." "Do you mean aspirin?" ask the pharmacist. The scientist slaps his forehead. "That's it!" he says. i can never remember the name."

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box of Godiva Chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."

First year University medical students were attending their first Anatomy Class. They all gathered around the table and there was a real dead body on the table. The Professor, started the class by telling them two important qualities of a doctor. He said, "The first quality is to never be disgusted about anything in the body." For example, he put his finger in the dead body's arm pit and put the finger in his own mouth & tasted it. Then he told the students to do what he did. The students hesitated for several minutes, but eventually everyone inserted their fingers in the body's arm pit and tasted it too. When everyone finished tasting their fingers, they were all frowning. Then the professor looked at them and said: "The second quality is 'Observation'. I inserted my middle finger but tasted the index finger... Now learn to pay attention!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." 1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. 2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. 3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. 4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal. 5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day. 6. Don't discuss your problems with him. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. "You're going to die," she replied.

A person went to an interview of a healthcare organization. After the first question he was disqualified. Interview Board: Why do people have different kind of blood groups? Applicant: Because mosquitoes love to enjoy different kind of flavors.