Jokes

What seems to be your challenge Mr. Smith? Well Doc, I’m a compulsive liar. You’re telling the truth right now aren’t you! No. Mr. Smith one of your statements has to be the truth! Not really! And why not? I’m omnipotent So you have a God complex whereas anything is possible? No, that’s my name. Your parents named you omnipotent?!?! No Mr. Jones (skeptical voice) What? You’re not telling me the truth here! That’s what I said in the first place Doc. Yes, you did say that. When did you recognize that you’re a liar? I’m not a liar. Yes you are, you’ve been lying to me. No I didn’t! I think you’re projecting. You’re the liar! I’m the Doctor and you’re the liar. I knew this was a waste of my time; I’m leaving! Good luck with your problem Doc! Well at least you don’t hold grudges! Yes I do! (As the door closes behind him). Is it Friday yet?

Guy goes and sees a psychiatrist. Guy: I tend to over-exaggerate things. Psychiatrist: How many times does this happen? Guy: Over a bazillion times.

A man said to his doctor, "Doc, please don't ever give me artificial respiration!" "Why not?" the Doctor asked. The man replied, "If you can't give me the real thing, FORGET IT!"

Patient: I keep dreaming about monkeys. Every night, nothing but monkeys, monkeys, monkeys. Psychiatrist: How does that make you feel? Patient: If you give me a banana, I'll tell you.

I'm really busy next week, I have two back to back appointments with my chiropractor on Wednesday... I fired him once, but I took him back!

Don't ever tell a Doctor that you have the Bubonic Plague... They'll look at you like you have the plague or something!

Of all the doctors, it's the egomaniac optometrists you've really gotta keep an "I" on!

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked. For the past several weeks I've met several great women. All of them funny and charming, everything a man could ask for." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

What did the teen tell his doctor upon waking up in the hospital during a thunderstorm? He thought he was safe from the lightning because he was "grounded".

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?" The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here." The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?" The second responds, "God told me I was." At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BRAINLESS DEAF FOOL!!! MAYBE IF YOU LISTENED, YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO HELP SOME!

A man was walking down the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed. As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog. Doctor: Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you. Patient: I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.

A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right. The woman's husband sits patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband. Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver. The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, "Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?" "I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my bag open!"

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor."

Brian, one of the worlds greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket. “Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!” “Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed. “Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!"

''Doctor, my nose is 11 inches long!" ''Come back when it grows into a foot!"

The phlebotomist entered the hospital room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on the patient's nightstand, she remarked, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." "That's true," the patient replied. "I haven't seen a doctor in three days."

After surgery, the doctor said to the patient, "I am sorry, but I forgot a pair of scissors inside you. I need to..." The patient quickly responded, "Oh don't bother doctor! If it is because of that, just tell me how much it cost and I will pay you back."

1. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that the had died of a "massive internal fart." 2. I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left. "Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested . There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. 3. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. 4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." 5. I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." 6. And Finally . . . A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'"

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive!" The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing giraffes even if there are none." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a psychiatrist?" The man replies, "No, just giraffes."

My doctor told me I need to get more cardio exercise and my wife agreed with him. I said, "What about love making, does that count?" My wife said, "Yes, but I think you're going to need more than three minutes a day."

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

The medical examiner bought a house on a coroner lot.

I told my doctor that I could see stitches better than he can. He said, "Suture self."

Having a rough day? Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works. 1. Picture yourself near a stream. 2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. 3. No one but you knows your secret place. 4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,". 5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 6. The water is crystal clear. 7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater. 8. See, you're smiling already.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son. "Don’t be nervous, son, just do your best and remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."