Jokes

A man goes to a doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a very serious problem. I only hear half of everything.” "That can’t be," answers the doctor. “Either you can hear everything or you hear nothing. Tell you what, Let us see. Repeat after me... Ninety Six.” The man quickly replies, “Forty eight!”

Where would you find a doctor whose job it is to declare a person dead? At the coroner store.

Two idiots were standing looking at the sun. They were arguing. One said it was the sun while the other one said it was the moon. A third guy happened to walk by. They asked him, "What is that in the sky?" The man simply replied, "Sorry, I can't help you. I'm not from this area."

Nurse: "Doctor, doctor! The man you've just treated collapsed on the front step! What should I do?" Doctor: "Turn him around, so it looks like he was just arriving!"

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 150. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches. She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high. "Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don't see why not," replies the doctor. "That's great!" says the man. "Because I wasn't able to play it before."

Patient: "I'm having a problem with my eyes. I see something from far but then when I get there, there's nothing. It's gone." Doctor: "It's a new disease. It's called ASRD syndrome." Patient: "ASRD?" Doctor: "It stands for 'Annual Salary Revision Deficiency' syndrome."

A heart surgeon came to a mechanic to repair his car. The mechanic had a look at the car's engine, opened a valve and fixed it. The mechanic said, "I repaired the engine which is the heart of the car. You also operate on the hearts of humans, so our jobs are quite similar. So why it you earn more than me?" The doctor replied, "Can you repair the car when the ignition is on? We can!"

When deer hunting you must sit still and be quiet for long periods of time. That's why doctors are such good hunters. They have lots of patients.

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain. My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone. I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?" With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack. "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you." "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 100?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I've heard that all 'red meat' is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked. "No, I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble or drive fast cars?" "No," I said, "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why on earth do you want to live to be 100?"

Patient: "My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go shopping. Can you give me something for it?" Doctor: "Try this medicine. If it doesn't work, come back to see me, and bring me a new video camera too."

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?" The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."

I once applied to a medical school but was declined. The Dean said my handwriting was too legible.

Client: Doctor, how much you charge for visiting a patient's house? Doctor: I charge $50. The doctor and client drove to the client's house in the former's car. The doctor didn't find any patient and asked, "Where's the patient?" The client replied, "Well, there's no patient here doc. The taxi fare to my house was $75. I just needed a ride home. Here's your $50. Thank you."

A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would operate in the morning and then field calls about his patients in the evening. One night, a few dinner guests were quite surprised as the good doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the other phone rang. His wife answered and whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling." He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her on the cheek. The wife calmed down and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish!"

A man comes to his doctors office all battered and bruised. The doctor sees him and asks him how he got injured. The man said there was a knock at his front door. When he opened the door there stood a six foot cockroach. He said he tried to shut the door real quick but before he could react the cockroach knocked him back against the far wall. He said the cockroach threw him around from wall to wall, punched and kicked him and then just turned and left. The doctor said, "This is the flu season. I've been trying to contact all my patients and let them know there's a real nasty bug going around this year."

Doctor and patient conversation. Doctor: "Can you give me your name and date of birth?" Patient: "Why? Are you not happy with yours?" Doctor: "Let's just move on shall we... can you take a deep breathe for me?" Patient: "Have you tried oxygen?"

Doctor: "I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. We have to operate on you again." Patient: "Are you kidding me?!?! Tell you what Doc, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!"

A guy goes to the doctor and after a thorough examination the doc says, "I'm going to put you in an isolation room." The guy replies, "Will that make me better?" "No. I am also going to put you on a diet of dry wafer biscuits." "Will that make me better?" "No," the doctor replied, "but it's the only food that'll fit under the door."

I have this condition where I eat if I can't sleep... It's called Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia

Patient: "Doc, I am very stressed out and I am not getting proper sleep at night." Doctor: "I am giving you some medicines and sleeping pills." Patient: "Is this going to help?" Doctor: "Yes, just give it to your wife before going to bed."

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits, "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?" "Eventually," said the doctor, "she will rise and shine!"

Doctor: I am sorry I can't treat your ailment! Patient: Why doctor? Is it that serious? Doctor: No. Your ailment was not covered in my medical study book. Patient, trembling in fear: Which book was that? Doctor: How to become doctor in 30 days!

Went to my eye doctor the other day... Guess who I bumped into? Everyone!

Patient: "It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable." Doctor: "Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?" Patient: "I sure did. The bottle said 'keep tightly closed'."

Nurse: "How old are you?" Patient: "None of your business." Nurse: "But the doctor must know your age for his records. Please, just tell me, I'm going to find it out anyway." Patient: "Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?" Nurse: "Yes. Fifty." Patient: "All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?" Nurse: "Zero." Patient: "Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age."

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly." On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?" "Yes" the mother answered. "And how is your son now?" he asked. "Eh, who cares?" she replied.