Jokes

My advice to you is strong deodorant and smokers toothpaste.

Hi my name is Dave but you can call me FedeX because I’ve got a big package with your name on it.

Hi, I think your shoelace is untied! (quickly position yourself behind)

How can u spot a tough Lesbian Bar? Even the pool tables don’t have balls.

The barman says: Why the wrong race?

If I was a watermelon would you spit or swallow my seed?

People call me Dave, but you can call me Tonight!

Do you like blackberries or strawberries because I want to know what type of pancakes to order you in the morning.

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer. The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said: "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?" The man says: "Sorry officer, but I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample", said the officer. "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright... then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line." "I can't do that either, officer." The officer was getting irritated... "And why not?" "Because I'm dead drunk."

Hey baby, did you know that your body is make up of 90% water and I’m feeling thirsty tonight.

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

Is your dad a baker? Because you’ve got some nice buns!

Once every few years someone amazing will come into your life… and here I am.

Wow you’re so hot I’m gonna put you on my bucket list of things to do.

There was a vampire who walked into a vampire bar and asked the bartender for a glass of hot water. The bartender asked what for, because everyone else was drinking blood. The vampire pulled out a bloody tampon and said "TEA TIME!"

Hi, do you want to follow me on twitter? My address is @millionairewithamassivecock.

Q: How do you know you're in a vampire bar? A: There's a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.

I’d love to see you take a sh*t.

Hey babe, I’m a real ladies man. I’ve been down more holes than Tiger Woods.

Are you a termite because you look like you would really enjoy a mouth full of wood.

A guy goes into a bar and notices a gorgeous young woman in the tightest pants he’s ever seen. The guy can’t help asking, “How does a person get into those pants? She smiles. “Well, you could offer to buy me a drink first”.

Man: Your place or mine? Women: Both, you go to yours and I’ll go to mine.

“Your wife will hit the ceiling when you get home tonight,” said the barfly to his drinking buddy. “Yeah,” said his buddy. “She’s a lousy shot!”

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire. The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in-“ “I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering, ‘If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X, a long side, Y, and hypotenuse, Z, then the square of Z must be equal to the sum of the square of X and the square of, erm… uh…’ The barman says, ‘Y, the long face?’

Man: Is this seat taken? Woman: Yeah, my boyfriend is sitting there. Man: Really? Well he must be really small then.

Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever." The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there." So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour. Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it. He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?" The pirate growls, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."

Come and sit on my knee and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.

Alpha Male Chat-Up Line: Get your coat love ….. …I’ve got a knife