Jokes

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave. The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

Are you a Pokemon because i want to hit you with my Pokeballs?

Just because I’m out of your league doesn’t mean that you should feel intimidated and pretend to ignore me.

Is your dad retarded because I think you’re really special?

Are u from Ireland because when i look at you my penis is Dublin?

Pick a number from 1-10….. You loose now take off your clothes!

I’m not Chinese but I can still eat your pussi.

Are you an archaeologist because I have a bone I would like you to inspect.

Q: Whats the most popular pick up line in a gay bar? A: "May I push in your stool?"

My last girlfriend had to change her name to Sandy because she was so wet all the time.

Chuck Norris walked into a bar. "OUCH!" said the bar.

You remind me of a cloud. When you disappear my day gets brighter.

Waah Waah (simulate crying), can I suck on your breasts? (It works for babies).

If I flip a coin what are the chances of me getting head?

A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."

I was desperately looking for jokes to put on this page. Then I remembered the stall wall scrawl in the men’s john of my favourite bar. I stepped up to urinal #3 to get rid of my Happy Hour pitcher of the golden ale. At eye level, (joke level,) someone had used a Magic Marker to scrawl: “Don’t look here for the joke, …” “Look down.”

Hi, can you come to my house tonight and help put my Christmas Tree up? I want it in my bedroom.

A man walks into a stable…..the horse says “why the small cock”

After a long day a sailor enters a bar, and noticed a pirate sitting at the bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. So the sailor walks over to the pirate and says, “May I ask how you lost your leg?" The pirate replied,"Arrrrr one stormy night on me ship I fell overboard, and a shark swam up to me and bit off me leg." The sailor says,"That's to bad, but how did you lose your hand?" The pirate resplied,"Arrrrr one day at sea me and my crew were battling an enemy and we were using swords so one of those B**t**ds cut off me hand." "How did you lose your eye? Asked the sailor. "Well, one summer day I was looking at the clouds, and a seagull came and pooped in me eye." Said the pirate. "You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it? “Said the sailor. " No, you see it was the first day with the hook! “Said the pirate.

F*ck me if I’m wrong but is your name Laura?

Do you live on a chicken farm because you sure know how to raise cocks?

I work part time here in the Joke Cafe. As chief cook, bottle washer and bartender I have to swab out the rest rooms after the bar is closed. I thought I would share something with the people that hang out here in the Joke Cafe…We have some weird bar patron that is eating the urinal mints.

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a rum… The Bartender says, “What is that - a paper napkin on your head?” … The Pirate replies, ” Nay, matey, it be a bounty.”

Man: “Hi there!” Woman: “Sorry I have a boyfriend.” Man: “I said hi, not suck my dick!!”

Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.

Bald Man: Hi babe, would you like to go for a drink sometime? Woman: No.. you’re an ugly bald c*nt!!! Bald Man: I’m not bald, I’m just taller than my hair.

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

Q: What does Frosty's wife put on her face at night? A: Cold cream!

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.