Jokes

Guy: Would you suck dick for a ripe banana? Girl: No Guy: What would you suck dick for? Girl: Nothing Guy: So, you suck dick for nothing?

How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.

I think you have something missing in your life and I would love to be the person to fill your gap.

Guy: Hi do you care about the environment? Girl: Yes. Guy: Well maybe we can take showers together to save water.

Q. How much does a polar bear weigh? A. I don’t know R. Neither do I but it broke the ice

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I need to take the knife out my pocket?

Are you a homeless horse.. Because you look unstable.

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, “Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!” “Woah, what the hell happened to him?” “Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.” “What a horrible way to die!” “No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.” “What a way to go, that’s terrible!” “No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.” “Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!” “No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.” “Man, what a way to go!” “No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.” “Now that is one awful way to go!” “No no, he survived that…” “Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?” “I shot him!” “You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?” “He was wrecking my house.”

Boy: Can you catch?? Girl: Why? Boy: Because I’ve got a couple of balls coming your way.

Is it still rape if you shout “SURPRISE” first?

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. “I told you already, you are way to drunk, you cannot have another beer! Get out of my bar!” Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, “Man, how many bars do you work at?

I’m so big instead of being circumcised I was actually circumnavigated.

A white guy walks into a bar and asked a black guy for a bl*w job. The black guy beat him up and threw him out of the bar. The bartender then asked, "What did he say to you? The black guy responded I don't know all I heard is something about a job!!

Hi, my mom says I am kind of a big deal.

Usain Bolt, Carl Lewis, and Michael Johnson walk into a bar. The barman says, “What is this? Some kind of running joke?”

A man walks into a bar… The bartender asks “Why the long face?” The man replies “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.” The bartender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry I can’t help you kill yourself.” The man asks “Well what would you do in my situation?” The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says “If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I’d kill the guy.” The man jumps up from his stool and shouts “That’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. “Did you kill the guy?” The bartender asks nervously. “Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.”

A man in a pub asks for a beer. The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar." "One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?" "Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars." "Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

Say hello to my little friend! (Pick up a midget while introducing yourself)

An egg walks into a bar with a grin on its face…The barman said ”You look happy” The egg replied ”I am, I got laid last night”.

Q. Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a boner? A. I don’t have a Ferrari.

You look just like my Chinese friend Ug Lee.

Wow you’re really attractive, I bet if you went missing the police would spend ages looking for you.

I’m an astronaught and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. “You’re coming home now!” she screamed. “No, I’m not,” I laughed. She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

Hi babe, I’m no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!

Wow your hand looks really heavy, let me hold it for you.

A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling. The old man is thinking, “Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her.” The old lady is thinking, “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties.”

At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a huge Mexican. He’s having a few beers when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Mexican. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, “Do you want a blow job?” At this, the massive Mexican leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returning to his seat. Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Mexican. “I’ve never seen you react like that,” he says. “Just what did he say to you?” “I don’t know,” the big Mexican replied. “Something about a job.”

This bloke in the pub last night was boasting that when he orgasms, he ejaculates up to a pint of semen at a time.I found that a bit hard to swallow