Jokes

Hi babe fancy coming over to my place? I’ve got a load of condoms that are approaching their ‘best before’ date and I need to use them up.

You remind me of Mondays… Nobody likes you and you make me feel tired.

A Roman walks into a bar. He gives the barman two fingers and says ‘Five Beers you cunt.’

A Horse walks into a bar: "Hey buddy," says the bartender, "why the long face?"

A foo walks into a bar, takes a look around and says: "Hello world!"

I don’t suppose i could sit here for a while (point to seat next to her)? I’m just recovering from an operation at the moment. I had a penis reduction, its now only 12 inches long.

Me: Can I have your number? Girl: No go away!! Me: Why are you so angry? Is it because of your haircut?

Nice tits!! What color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

This guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: “Hi there, good lookin,’ how’s it going?” … … Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: “Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean… It just doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love screwing.” Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: “No kidding. I’m a lawyer too. What firm are you with?”

person 1: I’m really lucky that I have my library card with me tonight. person 2: Why? person 1: Because I am totally checking you out!!

I’m a virgin for religious reasons… God made me really ugly.

The travelin' Texan picked up a sweet young thang in a bar and after several rounds, ordered the biggest steaks they had. Later, they retired to his room, naturally the largest in the hotel. As they undressed, he said, "I'm from Fort Worth, Texas, and we have the biggest of everything." The girl only nodded and smiled. As they began to make love, he exclaimed, "Golleeeee, lil' Lady! What part of Texas y'all from?"

I just put 4 stella on the counter and asked for 20 fags. I asked, “Can I pay with my card?” She said, “Sure, what card have you got?” I said, “The 2 of clubs.”

Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea. I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and even into the next morning. Please ladies, if you can’t handle your tea, don’t drink it.

Chicken and egg walk into a bar, barman says “Right, who’s first?”

Do you work for Subway because you just gave me a footlong.

Last week I saved a girl from being attacked… I changed my mind.

A desperate man enters a bar and says: All the lawyers are stupid!!! From a table a solid man rises up and goes to the desperate man: Take that back! Why? Are you a lawyer? No, I’m stupid...

Can you empty your pockets please I think you’ve stolen my heart.

Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?” The parrot says, “France-they’ve got millions of them there.”

Do you have any raisins? How about a date then?

Hi how’s it going? I’ve got Alzheimer’s… Are you my girlfriend?

One night as a bartender is closing up his bar, he hears a knock at the back door. When he opens the door, there stands a bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?" The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up his bar. Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the door. Again, there stands another bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?" The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up the bar. Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the back door. This time, there's a bum asking for a straw. The owner gives him a straw, but finally asks what's going on out there. The bum replies, "Some lady threw up in the back, but all the good stuff is gone."

Words cannot describe how beautiful you are. But numbers can… 4/10.

Steve rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women stood 3 deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a bathroom. He saw a stairway and race up the steps to the second floor in his desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a one foot by one foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of us control, he decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over the hole, and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the steps to find, to his surprise, that the bar which was crowded a few minutes ago, was now empty. "Hey!" He yelled to the empty room, "Where is everyone?" From behind the bar a voice responded, "Where were you when the poop hit the fan?"

Is your dad a lumberjack because you give me wood.

Is your name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get.

I have a PhD, it stands for Pretty Huge Dick.