Jokes

The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence which is why I decided to approach you because it seems like you don’t have any.

I was talking to this girl in the pub the other night and she said, “You lads are funny giving your dicks silly little names.” I replied “Not me love, I’ve only got one name for mine. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” She said, “Thats a mouthful.” “Exactly.”

What political party do you support because in 9 months time you’ll be in labour

Man: Hi wanna dance? Woman: Yeah sure! Man: Ok go and dance, I want to talk to your friend!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty stupid, but says his wife is more stupid. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn’t even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles, "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn’t even have a dick!"

Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here." Helium doesn't react.

Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.

Two condoms are walking down the street when they walk by a gay bar. One condom says to the other, "Hey man, you wanna get shit-faced?"

A Bartender walks into a stable and the Horse say’s “Hey why the long shotgun”

Do you like strawberries? I’ve just spent £3 at the flavored condom machine.

Are you my homework? Cos I wanna put you on a table and do you all night.

A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed 4 dollars. "But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer. "Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did. The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt. The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks. The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Are you a pot of chilli powder because you’ve got hot written all over you?

Are you mold?? Because you’re growing on me.

Did you just fart? Because you’re blowing me away.

If you were a transformer you would be called Optiumus Fine.

Hi, sometimes I dye my pubes green and paint my wiener orange so it looks like a carrot.

If I was an injured baby seal needing shelter and you were a cave would you let me go inside you?

(Walk over with a hunched back) I hurt my back trying to suck my penis.

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch." The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender. "Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," The man says "Oh my god," the bartender says, "What do you have?" The man replies "50 cents."

4 gay guys walk into a bar and notice there is one stool left. One gay guy suggest to play rock, paper, scissors and the other gay guy says. "Stop all this nonsense. Lets just flip the stool over."

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.

**Whisper In Girls Ear** I just got an erection… thanks!

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano. "Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man. "Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want." Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie. "You grant wishes right?" "Yes." replies the genie. "Hmm, I'd like a million bucks." Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar. "Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!" His friends sitting at the table replies, "Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

Hi would you like to come back to my place tonight? I usually have loads of girls with me but there was a coach crash last week and I lost 40 of them.

You’ve got a great ass and I’ve got 2 hands. We were made for each other.

Do you have pet insurance?? Because I’m going to destroy your pussy.

Hi, can you please tell your nipples to stop staring at my eyes .

The other day i was in the pub when the waitress approaches me to take my order, I noticed she had two black eyes she asks 'what would you like to order?' I replied with what i wanted to eat, making sure to speak very clearly and loudly because it was obvious she wasn't a great listener!

Three little ducks go into a Bar. “Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck. “Huey,” was the reply. “How’s your day been, Huey?” “Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey. “Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “Hi, and what’s your name?” “Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two. “So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?” he asked. “Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?” The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?” “No,” she said, batting her eyelashes. “My name is Puddles.”