Jokes

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits. Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me." The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" "Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

Hi, I wish I was toilet paper so I could touch your ass.

It’s just another Friday night at the pub when the normal crowd chatter is abruptly interrupted by a high-pitched shriek… She yells, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight, you pig!” Everyone in the pub stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I am studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.” To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, “What do you mean $200 for a BJ?”

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, I’m Jesus Christ. The first priest says, No, son, you’re not. The drunk turns to the other priest. I’m Jesus Christ. The second priest replies, No, son, you’re not. So the drunk says, Look, I can prove it. He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, Jesus Christ, you’re here again?

Man: Hi, I bet i can guess your age by feeling your boobs!! Woman: Really?? Go on then. Man: *FEEL BOOBS FOR 30 SECONDS* My guess is that you were born yesterday.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar... the beer starts to run.

They call me the fireman because I turn on all the hose.

Hi I’m Chinese. Once you go yellow you’ll never want another fellow.

Is it normal for your ass to bleed?

2 guys are sitting in a bar having a few. The one guys says to the other ” it’s pretty boring in here” the other guy ( a big burly construction worker) grunts ” ya sure is”. The “little guy says ” I know let’s play this game I know” big guy ” sure what the hell” . Little guy says “ok here’s how you play”. You take your drink slug it all back set it on the bar and shout out “touchdown 6points” then you stand up pull down your pants let out a fart then go extra point I’m winning 7 -0. Well big sees this stands up throws his drink down his gullet , smashes the glass on the table and very loudly “TOUCHDOWN 6 POINTS!” Stands up straight undoes his pants and the little guy runs up behind member in hand and says “block the kick block the kick.

Q: How do you know you’re in a vampire bar? … … … … A: The featured drink is a Bloody Mary and there’s a string hanging out of it.

I wish I could select all of your clothes and press Delete.

Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?… Cause you look like Satan!

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, and God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Seamus yells out, "Hey, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!", exclaimed the guy. The barman replied: "Yes!" So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks: "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly, sir", replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?", inquires the guy. "Four cents", he replies. "Four cents?!", exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies: "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says: "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies: "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his penis. The bartender says to him, "You know you've got a ship's wheel on your penis?" And the pirate says, "Argh, I know. It drives me nuts."

There were three women sitting at a bar, talking about how loose they were. One woman said that her husband could fit his arm in up to his elbow. The next woman said her man could fit his leg in up to his knee. The last woman just slid over the bar stool.

A ghost floats into a bar. The barman says, “Ok, who ordered a spirit?”

Hi I’m gay, can I touch your boobs?

Nice Milksacks… You’re plastic surgeon should be given an award.

I’ve got a tip for you or if you like I can put the whole thing in.

Three days finish up a hard day of work and walk into a bar. They do the same the next day. And the day after that. On the fourth day, they duck.

Hi my name is Jay but people call me J for short.

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely worn out and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies. … … … “What’s wrong with you?” The barman says. … … “In my car I’ve got a nymphomaniac - you couldn’t satisfy her if you were there ’til Christmas,” he replies. … … “We’ll see about that,” says the barman and goes out to the parking lot. … … He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his flashlight in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman. “It’s all right officer, I’m just shagging the wife,” he says. “Oh, I’m sorry sir, I didn’t know it was your wife” replies the cop. The barman replies -“Neither did I ’til you shone your flashlight!”

This chat-up line is to be used when you’re sitting on the bus and you see a woman standing because it’s full. Man: Hi Woman: Hi Man: I would offer you my seat but I’ve got a massive boner right now.

A Klondike bar would do anything for a Chuck Norris.

Man: “After seeing you tonight I don’t need to drink anymore!” Woman: “Why?” Man: “Because your beauty intoxicates me!”

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

I have a really small wiener. At least that’s what the priest told me.