Jokes

I walked into the pub and the barman said, “Your wife looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you Bob?” “Whatever you’ve been drinking, mate.”

Hi, I was just wondering if you have low standards?

My love is like a roller-coaster, it’s got a weight restriction.

An Arab enters a bar.. Along with 500 passengers and an entire jet

As I knocked back drink after drink the concerned barmaid asked, “Are you ok, sir?” “My son would have been two today…” I sobbed. “Oh, I’m sorry,” She replied, “Do you mind if I ask what happened?” “He was born a day late,” I replied, “Now I’ve got to go to his stinking birthday party tomorrow instead of playing golf with the lads.”

Man: I want a blow job! Woman: That’s not very romantic! Man: Ok, I want a blow job next to a candle!!

I had a wet dreem about someone who looked just like you last night. I pissed myself laughing when I hit you with a car.

A vampire goes into to the bar and and for a glass of hot water. The bartender says, "I thought you guys only drank blood." The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "We do, I'm making tea."

Do you work for a tyre manufacturer because you look like you have a lot of experience with rubber?

Are your legs like flora ? because I would totally love to spread them.

A 14 year old Chinese boy walks into a bar . He goes up to the the bar and signals the bartender: “I’ll have a glass of rice wine, please.” The bartender looks him up and down and laughs. “You’re way too young!” “How you know my name?!”

A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar. Bartender says, “We don’t do jokes in here.” The chicken says, “Come on guys I know a place across the street.”

A ham, an egg, and a toast go into a bar, and ordered drinks. Then the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

STDs are like Pokeman… you’ve got to catch them all. That’s why you need to come home with me tonight.

Q: Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar? A: He got Avogadro's number!

Wow, you and your friend are a perfect 10/10……. if i combine both your scores.

Guy: When does your dad get out of prison? Girl: He’s not in prison. Guy: Well if I was your dad I’d be in prison.

Walk up to someone at a bar and say. “Can I push in your stool?”

A horse walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says "Give me a beer." The bartender is stunned, so he heads to the back of the bar to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a horse in the bar asking for a beer." The bar owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then give him one, but charge him double. Horses don't know the price of beer." So the bartender heads back out front and hands the horse a beer. "You know," says the barkeep, "we don't get many horses around here." To which the horse replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

Have you got any farm experience because I really need milking?

Great legs what time do they open?

Is it still rape if we’re standing under mistletoe?

Man: Would you wear shoes if you didn’t have feet? Woman: No of course not. Man: Then why do you wear a bra?

You turn my software into hardware.

Hi I need your help. I’m really allergic to your clothes, please can you take them off.

A man dressed in an expensive suit walks into a bar with a briefcase under one arm and an alligator under another. He puts both down on the barstools next to him and sits down and asks the bartender, “Hey, do you serve lawyers here?” … … The bartender says, “Yes, sir, we sure do, what’ll ya have?” The man replies. “Get me a beer. The alligator will have a lawyer.”

I’ve got something special in my sack for you.

Me: Do you here what scientists are saying? Her: No what. Me: That there are only going to be 7 planets after I destroy Uranus.

Two scientists walk into a bar, and decide to have a drinking contest. The first walks up to the barmaid and says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O, please.” The second scientist says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O, too.” Needless to say, the first scientist won.