Jokes

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?” The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I’ll go home.”

Wow I bet you could breastfeed a whole nursery of babies.

“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. “Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one- hundred thousand dollars” said the man. “That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.” “Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.” “So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” Asked the bartender. “This month - so far - not a cent.”

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?" The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted." The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happend, and his friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

You look like I need another drink.

An English man, an American and an Arab were sitting in a bar talking about their families. The Englishman said,”I have 10 sons at home and if I had 1 more I”d have a football team. “The American said,”I have 15 kids at home and if I had another I”d have an american football team. “The Arab said,” I have 17 wives at home. If I had one more I would have a golf course!”

Wow, you’re so good looking I wish I’d taken a shower this morning.

A piece of gold walks into a bar. The Barman says “Au, get out of here”

Ollie was in a Minneapolis pub and Lars, a regular customer, suggested to him: … … - “I’ll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on yur head.” … … Ollie thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure. Lars smashed the first bottle on Ollie’s head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles. “So, ven are you going to smash da tenth bottle?,” asked Ollie. “I am not a total idiot,” replied Lars, “den I vould have to give you daht $200.”

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk." A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk" Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk" The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

Man: Do you want a 68? Woman: What’s that? Man: You do me and I’ll owe you 1.

Hi, I haven’t jacked off in over 5 years. I just don’t need to because I’m always surrounded by hot women. Tonight is your lucky night, you have been selected!

Hi, I need your help. I took some Viagra 3 hours ago and I’ve only got 2 hours left before it wears off.

Wow you’re so good looking I wouldn’t mind if you gave me Aids.

3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar. A little while later they walked out because they couldn't find a table.

A crab walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint please, but if I’m not satisfied with it, I’d like to be compensated with ten bottles of wine.” The barman says, “Why the big clause?”

Dave was feeling depressed, and his best friend Keith decided to take Dave to the Pub, to try and cheer him up. He asked Dave what was it that was troubling him, but Dave didn’t want to talk about it. So they sat there getting slowly pissed. Keith matched Dave drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was troubling him. Gentle prodding was ignored until finally, after downing the sixth, Dave blurted out, “OK, it’s your wife.” “My wife?” his Keith demanded. “What about my wife?” “I think she’s cheating on us.”

Hi my name is Dave, can we just skip to the part where you get undressed?

Man: How big are your lips? Woman: *Gives some sort of response* Man: No, I mean your other lips.

Man: Do you think small things are cute? Woman: Yes Man: Well that’s a relief because my cock and bank balance are tiny.

I like your hair, let’s go f*ck.

You look just like my ex-wife but without all the bruises.

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

Just wanted to know…. Do you prefer white or brown bread for your toast in the morning?

Man: Is your dad black? Girl: No. Why do you ask? Man: Because you’ve stolen my heart.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Would you like a free pearl necklace?

Feel my shirt, it’s made of boyfriend material…

You’re so sweet I think you’re giving me diabetes.