Jokes

Go up to a girl, hug her then say “WE’LL BE WITH ALLAH SOON…….ALLAHU AKBAR!”

Man: What hand do you wipe your bum with? Woman: Right hand. Man: Oh really, I use toilet paper.

Hi I’m a chicken farmer. Fancy coming over to my farm to see my cock?

Hi, I was just wondering… do you have a gag reflex?

Hi I’m blind, can I read your t-shirt in braille?

Two random variables were talking in a bar. They thought they were being discrete but I heard their chatter continuously.

A guy walks into a bar -- and sustains a mild concussion.

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table has no balls.

Hi I’m doing a survey, can i have your name and phone number?

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married.

So an American college kid walks into a bar… …12 dead

Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar. “Bartender,” he says, “give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab.” When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he’s at her side. “That was very kind of you,” she says. “Won’t you sit down?” After a few minutes of small talk, she says, “Let me be honest with you. You’re a very nice man, but I don’t think you realize that I’m a professional. I’d be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred dollars. Now, if that’s not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and I’ll say good-bye now, no hard feelings.” “I’m surprised,” says Berkowitz. “But you’re a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I’ve never done something like this before, but sure, let’s go upstairs.” When they get to Berkowitz’s room, he says, “I was wondering. There’s something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish.” “Well, I am,” she replies a little defensively. “Why do you ask?” “Well, I’m Jewish, too,” says Berkowitz. “And since we’re both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount.” “Dammit,” she replies, “I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I’m not making any profit!” ===

You’re so ugly you’re mother had morning sickness after you were born.

I’m no pilot…. But I’ll happily enter your cockpit.

I’m new in town, could I have the directions to your house please?

I like the smell of fish. *Silently stare at women for 20 seconds after saying this*

An Indian and an African walk into a bar... Just jokin'. It's just two liberal white women.

Hi, me and my friend were just talking and he wondered if you think I’m cute.

I’m not a weatherman but I think you can expect a few inches tonight.

If you was a tree and I was a Squirrel, I’d put my nuts in your hole

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar… The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast here.”

A man, his son and a dog walk into a bar. "Ow!" "Ow!" "Woof!"

Hi, wanna be my girlfrien? I didn’t put the ‘d’ because you’ll get that later.

Do you work for a bank because you’re not giving me very much interest?

Hi, I overheard you talking with your friend and I’d just like to say that you’re really boring the shit out of me. Every word you speak is like a pillow over my face.

Hi, is your dad Irish because my c*ck is Dublin.

A Jew walks into the bar and the bartender say’s, “Hey why the long nose”

Man walks over to a lady in a bar and asks "whats your name ?" "Carmen" she replies,... "I like cars and men ! Whats yours ?" The man looks her up and down and sayes "Beerpussy ..."

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party in a bar. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned: "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit. "And why not, darling?", the father asked. You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."