Jokes

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.....

A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her. She screams, ''Nein! Nein!'' so two guys walk away.

Q: Why were there 17 blondes standing outside the pub? A: Because the sign said you have to be 18 to enter.

I see a blonde walking down the street with a rope tied around her waist and I ask, "Why do you have a rope tied around your waist?" And the blonde says, "Because im trying to commit suicide." I ask, "why don't you just tie it around your neck?" She says, "I already tried that but I couldn't breathe."

Q: Why did the blonde go outside with her purse open? A: Because she heard there would be a change in the weather.

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Q. Why do blondes have legs? A1. So they don't get stuck to the ground. A2. To get between the bedroom and the kitchen. A3. So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

What’s the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? They know how many men went down on the Titanic.

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

This teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she’s telling them that the word of the day is ‘contagious.’ She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. “Carl,” she says. Carl says, “My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, ’cause they’re contagious.” “Very good,” says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, “The atmosphere was contagious,” and the teacher says, “Excellent, Suzie!” Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. “Yes, Johnny?” she says. Johnny says, “The other day, me and my dad’s a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, “Jesus, it’s gonna take that c*nt ages to finish that fence.”

A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?" The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo." "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat. After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!" Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice." "You're welcome!" the blonde said. "By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

A blonde and a brunette were in the car when the brunette asked the blonde to tell her if the turn signal is working. The blonde leans out of the car and replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No..."

What do you call a white guy with five black guys? A basketball coach What do you call a white guy with 10 black guys? Quarterback What do you call a white guy with 250 black guys? Warden

The myth about blacks having big penises is true. Asians have small eyes because you have to squint to see their penis.

Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bath tub? A: Throw in some laundry.

What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple kool-aid.

How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count? She has to chew before she swallows.

What is better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics? Having arms and legs.

A woman was at the pharmacy and asked, “Can I get Viagra here?” The old pharmacist replied, “Yes.” She asked, “Can I get it over the counter?” He responded, “If you give me two of them, you can.”

Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair.

Why did Martin Luther King Jr. boycott laundry detergent? Because it told him to keep his whites and colors separate.

A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

Q: How do you turn a cat into a fish? A: Tell the woman not to wash down there.

Q: What do KFC and pussy have in common? A: Both are finger lickin' good and after you are done eating you have a box to put the bone in.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile; that's a big word for a nine year old.

There was this homeless drunk dude laying in an alley talking out loud saying, "I wish had another drink." He then passed out. As he was saying that, a gay dude was walking by and heard him. When the gay guy came back, he f*cked the homeless guy and put three dollars in his pocket. The homeless dude woke up later and found the money, ran to the liquor store, and said, "Give me the cheapest half of pint you have," and went back to his spot, drunk it and passed out again. The gay dude came back, f*cked the homeless dude again, and left five dollars. He ran back to the liquor store and said, "Give me the cheapest pint you have," and went back to his spot. The gay dude came back again. Once he saw the homeless man passed out, he f*cked him again and left eight dollars The homeless dude woke up and realized he had some more money. He ran back to the liquor store, and before he could say a word, the owner said, "I know, you want the cheapest pint you can get," and the homeless dude said, "No, give me the most expensive half you got. That cheap liquor is tearing my ass up."

Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?"

Q: Why do Hookers wear tampons? A: So crabs can bungee jump.

There is a white boy, a Mexican boy, and a black boy who are all in the fifth grade. Who has the biggest d*ck? The black boy, because he's 18.