Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't share a toothbrush with your friends.

Q: What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone? A: iCame, iSaw, iConquered, iLeft, iCameBack, iThinkDifferent, iMac, iPod, iTunes, iPhone, iPad, iCloud, iRIP Q: Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret? A: They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn’t have a Flash player installed! Q: Why is it so sad that Steve Jobs died? A: Everyone at Apple are crying their i’s out! Q: What happens if you download the Princess Diana screensaver application? A: Your iphone will keep crashing! Q: Why won’t blondes take their iPhones to the bathroom? A: Because they don’t want to give away their IP address! Steve Jobs‘ funeral will be held next week, after which he will be reburied every six months in a slightly better coffin. Do not touch MY iPhone. It’s not an usPhone, it’s not a wePhone, it’s not an ourPhone, it’s an iPhone. I don’t understand why everybody wants the white iPhone, Everyone knows the black one runs faster. I pressed the ‘home’ button but I’m still at school… If your iPhone is black and you’re making Siri do tasks for you you’re pretty much saying slavery was OK.

Two blondes were walking down the sidewalk. The first blonde said, "Hey, look at that dog with one eye," so the second blonde covered up one eye.

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section. The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

Two blondes are walking on opposite sides of a river. the first blonde yells out, Hey How do I get to the other side of the river? The second blonde thinks about it for a moment, then yells back. Don't be silly, You are on the other side!

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started. After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress. On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again. On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, “On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?” “Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can.”

Two cowboys lean against the rail at their favorite bar and rate women as they go by. A beautiful brunette passes. The first cowboy says, "I'll give her a 3." The other cowboy nods. Next, a hot redhead walks by. The second cowboy looks her up and down and says to the first cowboy, "Well, I think that one must be a 4." The first cowboy nods. Finally, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde approaches. The cowboys straighten up and tip their hats back a little for a better look. The first cowboy smiles real wide and says, "Damn! That one has GOT to be a 6." The second cowboy nods. Overhearing this, the woman turns around sharply and looks the first cowboy in the eye, "I'll have you know, I've been rated far higher than that by far better men than YOU." And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you don't understand -- we use a different kind a rating system. We use the equestrian method." Taken aback, she asks, "What the hell is the equestrian method?" The first cowboy smiles and says slowly, "Well ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my face."

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system. ''As soon as I clock off'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.'' The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle. A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.''

A policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver’s license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver’s license, he asks for registration. Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, “It’s that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment.” “Ah,” she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his cock out. Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, “Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!”

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. "235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

Did you hear about the blonde that got excited? She finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months, when the box said, "two to four years."

Why did they fired the blond from the m&m factory? Cuz she kept througing away all the w's

Q: How many blonde jokes are there? A: None -- they're all true.

How do you guess a blond played at you’re computer? The joystick is on the chair.

Why do only 20 percent of blonde chicks lay Easter eggs? The rest are hunting peckers.

Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Girlfriend : I need help with this puzzle Boyfriend : what is it supposed to look like? Girlfriend : a tiger Boyfriend : we are never going to finish this puzzle Boyfriend : now put the frosted flakes back in the cereal box

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears? "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "The son-of-a-bitch called back."

Three blondes were on a hunting trip. Suddenly they came upon some tracks. One blonde says," They're deer tracks." The other one said, "They're bear tracks." The last one said, "They're elephant tracks!" They were still there when they got ran over by the train.

why are blondes stupid? There blonde!

Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge? A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals. That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me." He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?" She quickly replied, "M"!

Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her fridge? For people who don't drink.

What do you call three blondes on Christmas? Ho,Ho,Ho

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? Because she was trying to make up her mind.

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, “Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!” The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, “I think I’m the most beautiful of us three” and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said “I think I’m the most talented of us three” and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, “I think…” and was promptly sucked into the mirror. ===========

Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid? A: They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.

Q: Why was the blonde having trouble sleeping? A: She forgot to close her eyes.

A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts. "Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?" "That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them." "No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"

What’s the quickest way to turn a blonde into a redhead? Ask Oscar Pistorius