Jokes

A blonde and a brunette fell off a building, which hit the ground first? The brunette, the blonde had to ask for directions

Blonde - What does IDK mean? Me - I don't know Blonde - OMG no one knows what it means!

Two blondes are sitting on a bench at the park. One says to the other,"Hey, which is farther, California or the moon?" The other blonde says,"Well, duh! Can you see California?"

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave to her.

Why did the blonde build a bridge across the river? So she could have shade when she swam across!

My blonde girlfriend said, “I think the man that invented the clock is a genius!” I said, “Why is that?” She said, “Well how did he know what time it was?”

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor and told him, "The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron." The doctor asked her, "What about the other ear?" She replied, "They called back."

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.

Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police? A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people.

The blonde was told that on their 21st birthdays, each of her older brothers was able to walk on water. So, to maintain the family tradition, on her own 21st birthday she went down to the lake, walked out onto the pier, and stepped off onto the water. She went right to the bottom and rescuers had to pull her out…. … Later, during her recovery at the hospital, she explained to her parents why she’d done it. “Oh, Dear,” her mother said, “you don’t understand. The reason you can’t walk on water on your birthday is that you were born in August. Your brothers were both born in February.”

Why is a blonde girl staring at the orange juice box? The orange juice box says, "Concentrated."

Two blondes walked in to a bar...Thought they'd see that coming.

My girlfriend asked me “Who’s moving in next door?” I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.” She said, “Superman?” I said, “OK then, maybe not.”

Teacher: "If Astronomy is the name for the study of celestial objects, what would you call a person who studies the stars?" Blonde student: "Paparazzi!"

Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because pets can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Because the blondes couldn't either.

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. The truck driver motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!" He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face. "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of His truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres. Now she’s laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."

A blonde goes into a kitchen store and says to an assistant "Can i buy that TV please?" The assistant says "Sorry we don't serve blondes." So the blonde goes out and gets her hair dyed and then comes back and says, "Excuse me can i buy that TV please?" and the assistant says "No, because we still know who you are." So the blonde goes out and gets plastic surgery. She then comes back and says "Excuse me, can I buy that TV please?" and the assistant says, "No, because it's a microwave!"

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?" They chuckle and reply, " No, we aren't even Catholic."

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?" The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink." Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?" The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink." Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?" The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm...Oh yeah, I remember now.Feed the pigs and DON'T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"

Q: How does a blonde kill a bird? A: She throws it off a cliff.

What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A brunette with bad breath.

A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened? She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"

Chuck Norris drives in reverse and still drives better than you...

An Alabama preacher said to his flock, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.” No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.” Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke: “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.” The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. "Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five f*cking times."

Q: What is the definition of endless love? A: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis   Q: What’s the hardest thing about learning to play tennis? A: Telling your parents that your gay!   Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.   Q: What do you serve but not eat? A: A Tennis Ball.   Q: Why are fish never good tennis players? A: They don’t like getting close to the net.   Q: How many tennis players does it take to change a light bulb? A: “What do you mean it was out, it was in!”   Q: What did one tennis ball say to the other tennis ball? A: “See you round..”   Q: Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player? A: To them, “Love” means nothing.   Q: Why is a tennis game a noisy game? A: Because each player raises a racket.   Q. Why did the elephant float down the river on his back? A: So he wouldn’t get his tennis shoes wet.   Q: What do you call a blonde tennis player with two brain cells? A: Pregnant

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."

A blonde goes to the dry cleaners. She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned. However, the attendant wasn’t paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, “Come again?” Giggling, the blonde replied, “No, just mustard this time.”

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde-made Inventions? A: Solar Powered Flashlights, Helicopter Ejection Seats, and the Submarine Screen Door.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop.