Jokes

7 ways to annoy a flight attendant... 1- Bring your pet on the plane and then act like an animal. 2- Shove your bag into the first bin you see and then walk to your seat in the back of the plane. 3- Think that because you’re on a plane you’re of duty as a parent. 4- Drag on an oversize bag that's too heavy to lift by your self. 5- Gripe that you haven't been seated in the roomy exit row seat. 6- Act like you don't know the meaning of the words "under the seat in front of you". 7- Whine about the high cost of flying...

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' Greg asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

A small plane was carrying three passengers over a mountain range -- an old man, his grandson, and an eminent scientist. Suddenly, the pilot burst into the cabin saying, "The engines have all failed! Grab a parachute and jump from the plane!" With this, the pilot opened the cabin door and leapt out with his parachute. To their dismay, the 3 passengers discovered only 2 parachutes were left in the cabin! The Eminent Scientist took a pack, saying, "I'm sorry you two, but I won a Nobel Prize, I am the head of several intellectual Think Tanks -- honestly, I'm worth more to society than either of you." The Eminent Scientist leapt from the plane. The Old Man turned to his grandson and said, "My dear boy, take the last parachute. I've had a good life. Yours has just begun." "Don't worry, Grandpa," said the young boy, "that guy just jumped out the plane with my backpack."

A lady sitting in first class saw the cockpit door open, she was incredulous to see that the pilot was reading, very concerned she asked a flight attendant, “Miss, why is the pilot reading? Isn’t he supposed to be flying? “The woman fainted when the flight attendant said, "oh well, he’s just studying for his pilot license."

Upon boarding a recent flight from Newark to Atlanta and animated flight attendant began to the preparatory speech and safety instruction to the packed flight. Over the intercom he announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the main cabin door has been closed in preparation for departure. The captain now asks that all electronic devices including: pagers, cell phones, I-phones, I-pods, blackberry’s, blueberries, strawberries and anything with an on/off switch, including but not limited to Atari game systems and Easy-Bake Ovens, be turned off at this time. Please enjoy your flight and Thank You for choosing us for all your land travel--err--I mean AIR TRAVEL needs!"

Q: If you are flying in an airplane and it gets on fire where do you come out? A: In the news.

Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before? Passenger: No, I have not. Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping. Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help? Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

What They Said . . . And What We Did According to the story, after every Quantas Airlines flight the pilots complete a 'gripe sheet' report, which conveys to the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the aircraft during the flight. The engineer reads the form, corrects the problem, and then writes details of action taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to review before the next flight. It is clear from the examples below that ground crew engineers have a keen sense of humor - these are supposedly real extracts from gripe forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by the engineers. Incidentally, Quantas has the best safety record of all the world's major airlines. (1 = The problem logged by the pilot.) (2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.) 1) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 2) Almost replaced left inside main tire. 1) Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 2) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. 1) Something loose in cockpit. 2) Something tightened in cockpit. 1) Dead bugs on windshield. 2) Live bugs on back-order. 1) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. 2) Cannot reproduce problem on ground. 1) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 2) Evidence removed. 1) DME volume unbelievably loud. 2) DME volume set to more believable level. 1) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 2) That's what they're there for. 1) IFF inoperative. 2) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 1) Suspected crack in windshield. 2) Suspect you're right. 1) Number 3 engine missing. 2) Engine found on right wing after brief search. 1) Aircraft handles funny. 2) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. 1) Target radar hums. 2) Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. 1) Mouse in cockpit. 2) Cat installed.

A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. “I’d like a soda,” said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. “Yes, I would,” he replied. “Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!”

In 1940 two men were flying from New York to Los Angeles on what was then a new DC-3. The left New York and when they landed in Philadelphia, a red truck drove up to put fuel into the wing. A little while later, they landed in Pittsburgh and, again, a red truck pulled up to fill the tanks with fuel. Each time they landed to discharge or take on passengers, a red truck would pull up and add fuel to the tanks. Finally, after landing in Kansas City and seeing truck pull up again, one said to the other, "we sure are making good time." Said the other, "yes, we are, and so is that red truck!"

A man went to the airline counter. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, do you have any reservations?" He replied, "Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway!"

Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him. The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it." "That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."

A man at the airline counter tells the rep. “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London. The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.” The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (P = the problem logged by the pilot.) (S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” Second says, “No, its Thursday!” Third one says, “So am I. Lest go get a beer.”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming, "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane." 3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments." 3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" 5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate

1. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 2. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." 3. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"

“I’ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you? “All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

A vain lion wanted to find out why the other animals were not as beautiful as he. First, he asked a giraffe. The giraffe did not know. Next, the lion asked a bear. The bear had no answer. Then the lion asked a hippopotamus, and again got no answer. Finally, the lion met a mouse. He asked the mouse, ”Tell me, why aren't you as big, as strong, and as beautiful as I am?” The mouse looked up at the lion and said, ”Well, I've been sick.”

A man says to his neighbor, "I have an extraordinary dog. He brings me the newspaper every morning." The neighbor responds by saying, "That’s nothing special. Lots of dogs do that." The man says, "Sure, but I don’t have a subscription."

A male crab met a female crab at a party and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away. So, they got married immediately. The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married." "Oh, honey," he replied, "I can't drink that much every day."

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this." The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked. He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house and told my dog... we laughed a lot.

Mother Lion: Junior, what are you doing? Lion Cub: I’m chasing a hunter around a tree. Mother Lion: How many times must I tell you not to play with your food?