Jokes

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? A: 100. One to make the batter and 99 to crack the shells on the M&Ms.

Q: Why did the blonde think it was Sunday? A: Because the sun was out.

What’s blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette…? A blonde doing cartwheels.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “IS THAT YOU LORD?” The voice replied, “No, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.”

What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? She said they were pretty good, but might offend some Puerto Ricans.

I walked into my grandparents house today and caught my grandad shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. “Fcuking hell grandad,” I said, “You promised me that you’d spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed.” “I did,” he replied, “Doesn’t your nan look great!?”

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Q: A smart blond, Santa and a pregnant woman are on an elevator. A twenty-dollar bill lies on the ground. Who picks it up? A: The pregnant woman... the other two aren't real!

Blonde: *calling the doctor surgery* Doctor: Dr. Raymond speaking, how may I help you? Blonde: I'm going to have to cancel my 2 o' clock appointment I am afraid. Doctor: Oh, why is that? Blonde: I don't feel well.

Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant? A: Blow in her ear.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all running from the cops. They run to an old barn and hide in potato sacks. The cop chasing them walks into the barn looking for them. He kicks the first sack, with the redhead inside, and the redhead says "Arf arf!" The cop thinks it's a dog, so walks to the next one. He kicks the second bag, with the brunette, and she says "Meow, meow." The cop thinks it's a cat, and moves on. He kicks the third bag, with the blonde, and the blonde yells "Potato, potato!"

A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.” Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, “We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.” The police said, “No, it’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.” “Well, who was it?” “The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion!”

What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.

A blonde girl walks in the street and sees a banana peel. Sad she was, thinking...damn I will stumble again...!

What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in her ears.

Knock knock Who's there? Britney Spears Britney Spears who? Knock knock Who's there? Oops I did it again!

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are riding in an elevator, when they see a small puddle in the corner. The brunette looks at it. "That's definitely cum," she says. The redhead touches it. "That's definitely cum," she says. The blonde takes a little taste. "That's definitely cum, but nobody in our building."

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?” “That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.” After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.

"Have you heard my knock-knock joke?" asked the blonde. "No," said the brunette. "Okay," said the blonde, "you start."

A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!" The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?" The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"

What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "Omg, donut seeds!"

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. … … I’ve kidnapped you!,” said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. … … Signed, A Blonde.” … … The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show his parents. … … … The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

A blonde man marries his girlfriend who is also blonde. It's their first honeymoon night and the man doesn't quite know what to do. He calls his dad, who says, "Son, you take the hardest thing you got and you put it where she goes to the bathroom." The newlywed thanks his father, hangs up the phone, and places his bowling ball in the toilet.

How did the blonde die icefishing? She got run over by the zamboni!

Q: What's worse than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a house underwater? A: A blonde trying to set fire to it.