Jokes

Two blonde chics are typing up their essays when one of them stopped suddenly, confused as shit. She turns to the other blonde girl and asks, "how do we spell 'laugh?'" The blonde girl replies, "duh! L-O-L... the 'F' is silent."

Q: How can you tell a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out all over the screen.

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice, Because on the container it said concentrate.

How can you tell if a blonde's been in your car? The gear sticks wet.

Friend: What is "Suite Life Of Zack And Cody"? Me: The only TV show with a smart blonde and dumb Asian.

A blonde walks into a doctors office with a gunshot wound in her hand. The doctor asks, "How did this happen?" She replies, "Well, I was trying to commit suicide. I stuck the gun to my head and then...just before I pulled the trigger... I thought, this is going to be loud. So I covered my other ear before pulling the trigger".....ab!!!!!

How do you keep an idiot busy? (see below) How do you keep an idiot busy? (see above)

How do you make a blonde that is holding on to a tree with one hand fall out? Wave.

A young man presents his fiancee to his parent. At the table, the girl needs to have a fart. After a couple of minutes they can feel a smell... The father-in-law says: Rex...! Happy that her future father-in-law blamed the dog under her chair, the girl relaxes. After a while she gives another and the father-in-law says very angry: Rex, be careful... With a very big relief, the girl farts again. Father-in-law says: Rex! Get out of there she’ll shit on you!

What did the blonde’s holiday postcard say? ‘Having a wonderful time. Where am I?’

A blonde was so proud of herself because she finished a jigsaw in 6 months and the cover said 2-4 years!

A road construction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde. "You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day," the manager said. "What's the problem?" "I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!"

I looked into a blonde's eyes, but all I saw was the back of her head!

A blonde decided to paint a room. When her husband got home, he asked, "Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?" She replied, "The can said for best results apply 2 coats."

Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said "concentrate"!

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely. She’s blond and beautiful and she lives right across the street. I can see her back yard from my kitchen window. She suntans back there and I always find a reason to do the dishes. . I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said,”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?” I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!” “Great” she said. ” Can you watch my dog?”

A blonde is wearing a pair of socks that don't match, one is red and the other is white. Her friend sees her out and says, "You know your socks don't match, right? You're wearing one red sock and one white sock." The blonde responds, "That's so weird! I have another pair just like it in my drawer at home."

Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common? A: You always hear about them but never see them.

A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds. A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery. Her reply: "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"

Me: If a blonde girl and brunette girl jumped off a cliff at the same time, who would hit the ground first? Friend: I don't know, who? Me: The brunnete, the blonde had to ask for directions.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Send her into a circular room and tell her to find the corner. Q: How does a blonde confuse you? A: She finds a corner.

A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde asked, "Are you going to set it on fire?"

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending email? A: There are envelopes in the disk drive.

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?

A blonde is standing in front of a soda machine outside a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button. Suddenly, a coke comes out the machine! She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?" The blonde turns around and says, "No chance! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm winning!"

So a blonde walks into a Bar at a hotel that has it on the top story and sits Down. A man in a Trench coat Leans over to her and says,"You should get this beer" *Holds up bottle* "It allows you to do amazing things!" At this the man stands up, jumps out the window and Flies around twice before coming back into the Building. The blonde then orders the Same beer. She drinks it. And then Jumps out the window. And falls to her death. The Owner of the Bar then turns to the man in the coat and says, "You know you're a real Prick when you're drunk, Superman."

The easiest way to kill/permanently remove a blonde: take her outside and dare her to touch the roof.

I saw a blonde girl I knew today and she was pushing a pram with a half-caste baby inside. I said to her, “How’s it going?” “Yeah I’m okay. Me the kid and my ex-boyfriend are going on the Jeremy Kyle Show next week for DNA tests.” “Why, doesn’t he believe he’s the Father?” I asked. “No it’s me,” she said, “I don’t believe I’m the Mother. He looks nothing like me and we’re not even the same colour.”