Jokes

Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size? A: Silicone chips.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is… an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said. “Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon.” “Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up.”

I ran into the vets this morning and said to the blonde receptionist, “Quick, I think my daughter’s hamster is in serious trouble.” “Hamster?” she laughed. “That’s a snake.”

She is so blonde, she thinks that Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M and M's factory? A: She threw away all of the "W's".

Double heart attack message by a girlfriend to a boyfriend: 1st Msg:"Lets break up now, its all over.. 2nd Msg:"Sorry, Sorry, Sorry! That was not for you.....

a blonde a brunette and a red head are getting chased by the police and they hide in the farm.the brunette hides behind a sheep.the red head hides behind a cow .the blond hides behind a sack of potatoes.the cop comes in to where the brunette is ,"is anyone in here?".she says bahhh ."he then goes in where the red head and says"is anyone in here?,"moo".the cop goes into where the blond is and says "is any one in here?" The blonde says "potatoes"

What do blondes and tornadoes have in common? first there's a lot of sucking and blowing and then in the end you loose your house.

A man shouts out to a blonde on the other side of a river and says " How did you get to the other side?" The blonde replies by saying "You are on the other side"

Q: Why did the blonde take more than one pregnancy test? A: Because she slept with more than one guy.

Why don't blondes wear miniskirts in San Francisco? Because their balls hang out!

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but she couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. She answered, "235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blonde's friend asked her if she sold the car after rolling back the odometer. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell my car? There are only 40,000 miles on it."

Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a cell phone?" Blonde: "They're too expensive, so I did the next best thing: I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist: "And do you receive any letters?" Blonde: "No, but I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv." The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes." So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv." Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv." But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked. The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."

How do you tell a blonde isn't wearing underwear? Dandruff on her shoes!

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys." So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?" "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys." She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: They can't get their heads in the jars.

A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her father's advice, "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank."

A blonde fell and hurt herself at work. The doctor said she was and would be fine, but needed a little time to heal. The doctor suggested an easier job for a week or so. She brought the doctor's note to her boss and he suggested light duty for the week. The blonde began to cry. Her boss asked why she was crying. She said, "I don't know how to change lights!"

A blonde and a both jump off a cliff at the same time. Which one will hit the bottom first? The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions.

Boss asks the blonde: “Do u know the name of our company?”. The blonde answers: “Yes, its called PUSH”. Boss: “Where on earth did u get that idea?”. Blonde: “Hellooooo!!! It’s on the front door!!!”

Did you hear about the blonde who was a really good cook? She could get pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece!

What did the blonde’s right leg say to her left leg? Nothing, they’ve never met!

A blonde, brunette and a red-head were trapped on a island 20 miles from shore. The red-head started swimming and got tired after 2 miles and turned around and swam back. Then the brunette started to swim and after 7 miles of swimming she turned back. The blonde jumped in and swam 17 miles got tired and turned back.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette were falling off a building, who would hit the ground first? A: The brunette because the blonde would stop for directions.

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean" So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on. The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?" "No I'm a blonde", she replies. "I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.

Q. How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? A1. "What's a light bulb?" A2. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

There was a brunette and a blonde speeding in a car. Brunette tells the blonde to watch out for the cops. Brunette says " You see any police lights". Blonde responds "Yes, no, yes, no, yes,no,yes."

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver and says, "You failed to stop at the red light. Let me see your driver's licence." The blonde asks, "What does that look like?" The blonde cop answers, "It is rectangular and has your picture on it." The blonde looks around inside her purse and mistakes her mirror for the license. When she hands it to the blonde officer, he looks at it and replies, "Oh, I didn't know you were also an officer. You can go!"