Jokes

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how shed do. The blonde did so and competely duffed the shot. The pro said "Your swing is good but youre gripping the club too hard - grip the club gently as you would your husbands penis." The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said "That was excellent! Lets try it again only this time take the club out of your mouth."

What did the blonde say when someone blew in her bra? ‘Thanks for the refill.’

What happened to the blonde at the soccer stadium? She drowned in the Mexican wave.

The mechanic was just finishing the blonde’s car service when he said to the apprentice, “Just pass me the lubricant will you please, Tim?” “Oh dear,” said the watching blonde. “Can’t I just pay cash?”

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along. The guy asks, "What are you carrying?" "Melons," the blonde replies. "Cool," the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?" The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them"

A blonde went on a tour on an old steam train that took the passengers through mountains and tunnels. As the train approached a tunnel, the conductor hurriedly walked through the coaches warning passengers, “Tunnel ahead. Look out!” The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met with the concrete entrance of the tunnel. After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde’s words were: “That stupid SOB! He should have told me to look IN!”

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back

to drown a blonde..... put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool

"I'm so good at cooking, even the fire alarm is cheering me on." - Blonde

A man walks by a blonde, who is holding a pig. The man asks, "Where did you get her?" The pig answered, "I won her at the fair."

A new patient was quite upset when the doctor’s nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested. "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse. "That’s a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe." "That’s nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?” Not one hand went up ….. so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think!

A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk. “Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the blonde replies.

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you. ” She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. ” The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? “

What does a blonde see when she looks into a box of cheerios? Donut Seeds.

A blonde was nervous that her husband was cheating on her. So she went to the store and bought a gun. She walks to her house and sees her husband in bed with a redhead. The blond holds the gun up to her head threatening to shoot herself. The husband gets out of bed and pleads for her not to shoot herself. The blonde yells, "Shut the hell up! Your next!"

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her. After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo. The manager said, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!"

Anna turns to old captain and says, ‘When was the last time you made love to a woman?’ Captain thinks for a moment then says, ‘1947.’ ‘Good heavens,’ says Anna. ‘That’s a very long time ago.’ Captain "Not exactly. It's just 2130 now"

At work, a blonde notices her that cubicle mate has a thermos. She asks him what it's for, and he responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." The blonde immediately buys one. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it. Her cube mate asks, "What do you have in it?" The blonde says, "Soup and ice cream."

A blonde was walking in a mall during Christmas time, as she walked by Santa he said "ho ho ho!" She looked back and yelled "sorry! I'm not working right now, but I will tonight!"

Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail? A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "O.K., "What's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, W."

What do you call two brunettes and a blonde in the NFL? Two tight ends and a wide receiver!

A man is sitting in a cafe. A blonde waitress approaches and asks for his order. “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream," he says. The blonde waitress replies, “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

Doctor: "Yes, what is it I can do for you?" Blond: "Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body’s blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn’t anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?" Doctor: "The fact’s your legs are not that hollow as your head is."

What’s the difference between a blonde and a 747? Not everyone’s been in a 747.

Anant: I can't marry you. My family members don't agree. Blonde: Who's there in you family, who is opposing ? Anant: My wife and 2 kids.

A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office. "I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!" "Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?" "I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore." "Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too." "Oh, my God!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!"