Jokes

“The economy is weird.” Remarked one worker to another. “My bank failed before the toaster did.”

Job Application: Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ‘‘thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.'' "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired. ''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''

“This little computer,” said the a sales clerk, “will do half your job for you.” The senior manager studying the machine made his decision; “Fine, I’ take two.”

After reading the complicated instructions for the automatic teller, the confused customer walked over to a bank officer. “Excused me,” said the customer, “but I was wondering if you could help me out.” “Certainly,” smiled the officer. “Go right through that door.”

“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked another. “Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”

A man was looking to hire a driver for a bus tour business. Three men applied for the job. He calls one into his office to interview him. The man says that he can put the wheels right on the edge of a bridge, drive, and not fall off. The employer is very impressed. He calls another man in. This man says that he can put the wheels halfway off of a bridge, drive, and not fall off. The employer is again very impressed. He calls the last man in. He says, "I heard what the other two guys said, and I don't think I could match them. I usually drive in the middle of a bridge".

A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil. The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas". The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it".

A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: “Delayed by storm. Send instructions” His boss e-mails back: “Start vacation immediately”

Two barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for $7 dollars. His competitor put one up that read, “We repair $7 dollars hair cuts!”

A wealthy and very well dressed financial consultant arrived at his office to fill out his report for the company he was working for. The dapper, extremely confident and very dignified gentleman left his Porsche with the parking attendant and entered wearing the building wearing his designer business suit. His shoes clicked along the polished floor as he headed for the elevator. He picked up the paperwork, and strutted into his well-furnished office, put down his fifteen hundred dollar briefcase and sat down at his desk. He stared at the questions for five minutes, and shook his head in disbelief. He looked again, and his shoulders dropped. "I know I have no choice, but this is an OUTRAGE!" he said out loud. Then with a sigh of embarrassment, he reached down, untied and pulled his feet out of his highly polished $800 Brooks Brothers cap toe dress shoes and then peeled off his black silk business socks as well. The now barefoot consultant then stuffed the socks in the shiny, expensive shoes and dropped them in the garbage can. A few minutes later, he shook his head again with frustration, slowly untied his $150 Hermes silk necktie, plucked the matching pocket square out of his suit pocket, unfastened his monogrammed gold cufflinks, and slid his Rolex off his wrist. He threw them in to the garbage as well. His silver tiepin and his paisley braces followed. A moment later, the consultant dropped his head into his hands and groaned. No longer confident and dignified, he looked around furtively. Then he angrily shrugged and stood up. He then stripped off his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped Armani business suit and his starched white shirt, and folded them before stuffing them in the garbage as well. The consultant finally sat down in his underwear and finished his work. A colleague came in, looked around, saw the stripped consultant and his expensive clothes piled in the garbage and was stunned. “Why did you do this?” he asked in bewilderment. The formerly well-dressed and impeccably groomed consultant angrily and wearily picked up the paperwork. “Why didn’t you warn me about this? It says right here: Instructions MUST be followed exactly! ALL questions MUST be answered in brief!”

“I don’t want a car,” said the farmer to the persistent salesman. “I need a new cow.” “But you can’t ride a cow along the streets.” “True. But I can’t milk a new car, can I?”

A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand. One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands. He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?” The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch".

A customer comes into a computer store.“I’m looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging.” After a while the clerk replied, “have you tried Windows 2000?”

A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”

After years of working for others and being passed over for promotions, John and his wife, Mary, decided to go into business together. After examining the classifieds, they bought a small candy stand, paying thirty cents for each box of candy and then selling it for thirty cents. At the end of the day they were astonished to find that they had sold every box of candy – yet had exactly as much money as when they started. “You see?” John snarled at his wife. “I told you we should have bought a larger stand!”

After a bitter marketing war, in which prices were continually being undercut, Birdseye and the Green Giant got together to settle their differences at a Peas Conference.

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

Strolling into a bank, the moron presented a check and asked the teller to cash it. The teller informed the woman that she must first identify herself. Pulling a mirror from a purse the woman looked in it and said, “Yes sir-it’s me, all right.”

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich." That's Brand Recognition. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback!!!!

A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, Ben drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." "Well, then, just give me the money back," said Jean Paul "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Replied Ben "OK, then. Just unload the donkey," said Jean Paul. "What ya going to do with him?" asked Ben. "I'm going to raffle him off," said Jean Paul. "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" uttered Ben. "Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell that he's dead," said Jean Paul. A month later Ben met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" "I raffled him off, I did. I sold 500-hunderd tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898," said Jean Paul. "Didn't anyone complain?" inquired Ben. "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back,” said Jean Paul.

A man went to a bank and gave them $60,000 worth of bonds to hold for him. He then asked to take out a loan of 1$. The next year he came back to the bank to get his bonds and the accountant asked him, "If you have all that money in bonds, why did you need to borrow 1$?" The man replied, “Do you know any other way I can use a safety deposit box for only 7 cents a year?"

Q: What did the CEO from Arthur Anderson tell the Senate committee when asked about "cooking" Enron's books? A: "It's Shake-n-Bake and I helped!"

As a member of an Internet awareness survey team, we had visited a home. The unruly owner asked, "Tell me the difference between washing machine & Internet?” When I was cursing my luck, my colleague answered, "The former washes your cloth and the later washes your brain."

A man looking for a job."...And remember we are very keen about clenliness. Did you wipe your shoes before entering” asked the manager. "Oh, yes sir." Replied the man. The manager narrowed his eyes and said, “We are also very keen about the truth. There is no mat."

Job Interview Question You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams." Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

A store manager overheard one of his salesmen talking to a customer. "No sir,"said the salesman.” We haven't had any for awhile and it doesn't look like we'll be getting any soon." The manager was horrified and yelled after the departing customer,” Come back next week. We’re sure to have whatever it is you need." Irate, he turned to his salesman,” Never tell a customer we're out of anything! NOW, WHAT DID HE WANT?" "Rain,” answered the salesman.

Michael was selling a fine horse, and his friend Liam came over with the intention of buying it. "How much is it?" asked Liam, and Pat told him "500 dollars." Liam was startled, and said, "But sure, I could give only 25 dollars for even such a fine horse." "Done!" said Michael. Liam was surprised again. "How is it you came down so fast?" Michael smiled and said, "25 dollars is what he's worth, all right, but you're my friend, and I thought you'd like owning a 500 dollar horse."

Bill attended a party where he met an old acquaintance, “Hello, Sam,” he said. “How’s your clothing business? I heard you lost a lot on that fall shipment of dresses.” “That’s right,” Sam responded. “And you almost went bankrupt.” “That’s true too.” “But I understand you made a big profit on another shipment and wound up having a pretty good season after all.” “That’s correct. Then I guess you heard all about it, Bill.” “Yeah,” Bill answered, “but this is the first time I’m hearing all the details.”

Three businessmen were having dinner at a club. When it came time to pay the check, each grabbed for it. "It's a business expense," said one. "I'll pay," said the second. "I'm on cost plus." "Let me have it, "argued the third. "I'm filing for bankruptcy next week

Hey did you hear? U.P.S and Fed-EX are merging. There going to call it Fed-Up