Jokes

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "...Scr*w him...give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

Q: What's the difference between nerdy co-eds and blonde co-eds? A: Nerdy co-eds blow the curve. blondes blow the professor.

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks her what she wants. “I can’t find any green golf balls,” the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, “Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?” “Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!”

How do you keep a blonde in suspense? "Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say ‘Hello'."

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde turns around and shouts, "Can't you see I'm winning! "

Q: Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel? A: She was trying to blow her horn.

Anant: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of fructose. So its sweet to taste. Blonde: But it doesn't even taste like that... Anant: Because sweetness taste buds are situated at tip of tongue inlt

A man is working a a d*ldo store, when a brunette walks in. She asks him how much for the black d*ldo? He replies $50 for the black one, $50 for the white one. She leaves without purchasing anything. A red head walks in and asks him how much for the white d*ldo? He replies $50 for the white one, $50 for the black one. she doesn't buy anything. A blonde enters the store and asks him how much for a d*ldo? He answers $50 for a black one, $50 for a white one. She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him? He says oh thats a very special one, thats $250. She buys it. At closing, the manager walk in and asks the man how much he sold. The man said no d*ldos but i sold your thermos for $250.

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while. Finally one gets am idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried. "HURRY, HURRY," she urges. "IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a library and checked out a book called How to Hug? She got it home and found it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia.

A professor is lecturing a class and says, "Today's lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc." A blonde girl responds with, "How come you can't taste sugar in semen?" The professor says, "Well, sweety, that's because you don't have taste buds in the back of your throat."

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working? A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool

A blonde came up to the librarian & yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters & the story makes no sense!" The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's

There's a double Decker bus driving down the street full of passengers, blonde and brunette. On the lower level of the bus, the brunettes are having a good time, talking, laughing, and singing along to the music playing. On the upper part of the bus, the blondes are seated... they're in a panic. They're screaming, terrified, and holding onto each other as the bus moves along the street. Finally, a brunette gets up and walks to the top of the bus to ask what's wrong, and one of the blonde's replies, "what's wrong?!? Well, you'd be screaming too if you didn't have a driver!!!"

what does a blonde a screen door have in common the harder you slam em the looser they get

80000 blondes meet up for a ' BLONDS ARE NOT DUMB ' Convention. There are many reporters here and there is one main announcer. So the announcer calls up one volunteer blonde to ask some simple questions to. One blonde reluctantly comes on stage. The announcer asks her " What is 124 + 26 ". After thinking for about 15 minutes she gets very excited and answers " 55 ". The announcer says that the answer is wrong and then the whole convention is depressed. Suddenly the whole convention erupts with the chant " GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE" . So the announcer thinks it cant be worse so he asks an easier question " What is 16 + 4" The blonde on stage goes into very very deep thought and after about half an hour she smiles goes " 25 " Again the whole convention goes " GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE" . Now the announcer feels he is doing more harm than good but still asks " What is 10 + 10 " . She is depressed but tries again. She puts her utmost efforts and after an hour says " 20 ". " GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE.. GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE ! "

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she’s low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she’s pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself. She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, “A little more to the left…a little more to the right!…”

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her. Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun." The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

A blonde woman gets pulled over by a female cop who is also a blonde. “License and registration” says the officer. The young blonde rummages through her bag and pulls out a small mirror looks at her reflection and says, “found it! It has my picture. ” she hands it over to the officer, after studying the mirror for a moment, the blonde officer hands back the mirror and says, “im sorry ma’am you’re free to go, I didn’t realize your were a cop too”. The blonde replies,” wow, me neither.”

One day a blonde stopped at a stop sign then a cop came down and said mam you have been sitting her for four hours what are you doing the blonde said waiting for the stop sign to say go.

Three blondes die and go to St. Peter. He says, "I have one question, and if you get it right, I will let you into Heaven." He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" She answers, "That's the time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey." St. Peter says to the next blonde, "What is Easter?" She answers, "That's the time of year when the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney and our family gets together to open presents." St. Peter asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?" She says, "That's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb behind a rock." "That's right!" exclaims St. Peter. "Then, once a year," continues the third blonde, "we roll the stone away and he comes out, and if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter."

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.” “We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde. “Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden. “But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.” The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

A blonde goes to an international message center to call her mother. When the man tells her it will be $300, she exclaims, "I don't have that kind of money, but I'll do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." He tells the blonde to follow him and takes her into a back room. He unzips his pants and takes out his penis. The blonde gets on her knees, brings it toward her mouth and says, "Hello? Mom?"

Want to hear two blonde jokes? Listen to Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake.