Jokes

Q: Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar? A: She heard drinks were on the house.

There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him. The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game. The lawyer fires his first question "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" The lawyer's face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00. The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, "Well, what is answer?" The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.

A blonde sees a flier on a bulletin board that reads, "Cruise -- Only $5." She goes to the address on the flier and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious. The blonde wakes up tied to a log floating down river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. "Do you think they're going to serve food on this trip?" she asks. Her friend replies, "They didn't last year."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a swim meet. The gun goes off, and the brunette quickly captures first, with the redhead coming in second. An hour later, the blonde emerges from the pool and complains to the judges that while she was doing the breast stroke, the others were using their arms.

Q: What do you call a blonde chick standing on her head? A: A brunette.

What is the difference betwen a blonde and a Lamborghini? You don't let your friends borrow your Lamborghini.

There a ventriloquist telling blond joke . A blond comes storming up on stage and start says"blonds can be smart to you know,and I'm smart, I should know." The ventriloquist says" ok ok I'm sorry I won't do it again" then the blond says "you shut up and stay out of this cuz I'm talking to the jurk on your knee"

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"? The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

Q: Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory? A: She threw away all the W&W's.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday? A: Tell her a joke on Monday.

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? ‘It’s okay, Daddy, I’m not hurt.’

Dirty/blonde What do spaghetti and blondes have in common? They both squirm when you eat them

What is the mating call of a blond? I'm so drunk. What is the mating call of a brunette? Is that blonde gone yet? What is ther mating call of a redhead? NEXT!

Q: What do dim lamps and blondes have in common? A: They both tend to be hot, but not too bright.

Doctor - "Your pregnant" Blonde - "Is it mine?"

Blonde walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on a airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10-1 odds, & said everytime the blonde could not answer his questions she owed him $5, but everytime he could not answer hers he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose & the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the earth & the nearest star?" Without saying a word,the blonde handed him $5. Then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs & comes down with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, even looking up everything he could on his laptop & even placing air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the an answer. Finally, angry & frustrated, he gave up & paid the blonde $50. The blonde put the $50 in her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "So, what was the answer?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him. Trembling the castaway replies: "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?"

What My Blonde Friend Did She called me to get my phone number. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. She got stabbed in a shoot-out. She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. She sat on the TV and watched the couch. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. She tried to drown a fish. She thought a quarterback was a refund. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." She tripped over a cordless phone. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here" she put "Sagittarius." She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless. She studied for a blood test. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. She sold the car for gas money. When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends. When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home. -The Awesome 1

How are a blonde's legs like automatic doors? You walk toward them and they open!

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, "Now, what do I give them to drink?"

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

Four blondes are ordering a few rounds of drinks. Each time they get up, they toast and say, "14 weeks," then they down their drinks. The bartender finally asks the blondes, "What's the deal?" One blonde says, "Well, we bought a boxed puzzle. It said 'two to six years,' and we did it in 14 weeks!"

How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer? There’s whiteout on the screen. How can you tell if two blondes have been using the computer? There’s writing on the whiteout.

Q: Why does a blond prefer BMW over Chevrolet? A: She can spell BMW.

Q. Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds? A. Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: What do you call three blondes standing in a row? A: A wind tunnel.

What's the difference between a UFO and a smart blonde? There's been sightings of a UFO.

There was this nouveau riche blond girl, who went to the nearest Mercedes showroom with a pocketful of dollars, and came out with the latest model. Half an hour later she was back at the showroom, claiming a that the car they sold her was terrible, that she was disappointed a brand-new Mercedes would get a fault in the gearbox after 15 minutes. The management apologized and gave her a new car. Again, after half an hour she came back. The management offered her a new car, but sent along one of their engineers to see if they could figure out what the problem was. She put in the first gear...speed up...put in second...third...fourth...fifth... “And now,” she said, “for the rocket,” and threw it in reverse.

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down. She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, ''My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?'' ''Well,'' drawls the farmer, ''you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke.'' The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. ''Okay,'' she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, ''Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?'' They say, ''Huh?'' She says, ''The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.'' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, ''Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?'' ''Yeah,'' says Luke, ''I remember.'' ''Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?'' asks Jed. ''Nope,'' says Luke, ''I reckon not.'' ''Me neither,'' says Jed. ''Let's take these things off.''