Jokes

A blonde guy in the 6th Grade got a ticket that said 'Free Dress Day.' He came back to school and wore a dress that said 'FREE!' on it.

Q: How are U.F.Os and smart Blondes in common? A: You keep hearing about them but you never see them!

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

A 65 year old blonde has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.” A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says “not yet.” Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?” And the mother says, “When the baby cries.” And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?” The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”

Q: Why did the blonde pee on the ground? A: Because she saw a sign that said 'Wet Floor.'

What did Santa say to the three blondes on the corner? "Ho. Ho. Ho."

Q: What do you do if a blonde chucks a grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back

Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.

How do you get a blonde to drown? Put a scratch and sniff on the showerhead.

Q. Why was the blonde in the tree? A. Because she was raking up the leaves!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were waiting for an elevator. On the floor, next to the elevator door, was a tiny puddle of milky liquid. The brunette notices it first and says, “Oh my God, that looks like semen.” The redhead bends down and sniffs, “Oh my God, this smells like semen.” The blonde gets down on one knee, dips her finger in it, and sticks the finger in her mouth to taste it and blurts out, “It’s not anybody from our building.”

What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

Phoebe, a blonde city girl, marries an Australian dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Phoebe, “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?” Then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Phoebe takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one… right here.” Terribly impressed by what he thought just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, “Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?” That’s simple. By the nail over its stall,” Phoebe explains very confidently. Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?” She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, “I guess it’s to hang your trousers on.”

I'm a blonde! I'm a blonde, yay! B-L-O...? I'm a blonde, yay!

Q: What is a blonde's definition of a naval destroyer? A: A hula hoop with a nail in it.

A brunette was walking down some train tracks saying "21, 21, 21..." repeatedly. A blonde saw her and began to follow along. After a moment the blonde asked, "whatchya doin?" The brunette said "counting" and went back to chanting 21. The blonde asked if she could join the brunette and the brunette said "sure, hop up onto the tracks." Both girls walked down the track saying 21 over and over. Eventually a train started coming down the tracks, horn blaring. When the rails started to rumble the brunette jumped down and walked away to a safe distance. A few seconds later the train hit the blonde, throwing her far out into the field dead. After the train passed the brunette hopped back onto the tracks and resumed walking. Now, however, she chanted "22, 22, 22..."

Q: Why did the blonde bring a gun to the wedding? A: She was told she was supposed to hold up the bride's train.

Two programmers after work, talking in a pub: "You will never believe me when I tell you what happened to me yesterday. I met a very nice blonde in a bar." - And what did you do ? "I invited her to my place, we had some drinks and then the girl asked me to undress her." "Are you kidding me ? And what did you do then?" "I got her blouse and her dress off and then i got her to sit on my office, right next to my new laptop." "Oh, you got a new laptop. What model and what are its specifications?"

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? From crawling across the street when the sign said, "DON'T WALK."

How do you keep a blonde in suspense? I'll tell u tomorrow

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time: haircut and new color, new outfit and big sunglasses, and then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Two people are texting. One is called Stacy who is blonde and the other is called Rachel who is a brunette. Rachel: Hey sorry I lost my phone I can't text right now. Stacy: Well can you PLEASE find it I really want to text you... you are my best friend!!! Rachel: You're an idiot. Stacy: Umm I'm not the one who lost my phone can you just text me when you find it? Rachel: You're such a blonde. Read my first text again. Stacy: IK !!! FIND YOUR PHONE !!!

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One hundred: one to hold the lightbulb, the other 99 to rotate the house.

A blonde pick ups her dress from the dry cleaners, when she leaves the Cashier says, "Come again!" Bonde said, "Nah..It was ketchup this time."

Q: Why don't blondes take birth control pills? A: The pills keep falling out.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were standing in a line before a firing squad. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the brunette yells "TORNADO!" All the people turned around and looked and the brunette ran away. Next, it's the redhead's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the redhead yells "HURRICANE!" Once again all the people turn around to look for the hurricane and the redhead runs away. Finally, it's the blonde's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the blonde yells "FIRE!" and gets shot.

How is a blond with makeup called? Simpleminded picture.

A blonde and a brunette walk inside the mall. A few hours later, they come out and go to their car. They realize they left their keys in the car, so they are stuck. Soon after, the blonde says, "Oh no! It's about to rain and we left the top down to our car!"

A blonde drove to the shopping mall and found a parking spot which had a sign that read "1 Hour Only," but she wanted 2 hours to shop so she parked across 2 spaces.