Jokes

ALWAYS TIRED A blonde goes to her doctor Anant complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the Anant gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

Q: Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? A: Because they can't even!

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp. After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were smarter." So, she became a redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is." She became a brunette. The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!" So, she became a man.

blonde: I'm pregnant again... there must be something in the air! brunette: yeah... your legs.

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?" Brunette: "I don’t know." Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Sit a kitty beside her.

There was a blonde and a brunette falling off a roof, which lands first? The brunette, the blonde has to ask for directions.

A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes. "Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!"

Two blondes were talking in heaven, they were discussing how they died. The first blonde said 'i had a heart attact, my family has a long line of heart disease, i guess it was my time.' The second blonde said ' oh.. i froze to death, it was NOT the way i wanted to die, its too late now.' 'the first blonde asked, 'what is it like to freeze to death?' 'It is cold, but soon its kinda peaceful, once you know you're dying. What happened before you had your heart attack? 'the first blonde answered ' i knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day i went home early. my car is really old, so my husband probly could hear me pull into the driveway. That give his girlfriend plenty of time to hide. when i walked into the house, it was quiet. i ran up to out bedroom and found my husband watching tv in bed. i could see a glimpse of a bra underneath our bed that definitely wasn't mine, so i immediately accused him of cheating, and i ran around the house to find the hoe. I checked in every room, but when i got to the attic, i had a heart attackthat instantly killed me.' the second blonde moaned 'shame, if you had only looked in the freezer, we would both still be alive.'Post your awesome joke here.

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousn ess or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.” “Why not?” “I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street when the brunette says, "Look, a dead bird!" So the blonde looks up!

Q. What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you? A. Run...she has a grenade in her mouth.

Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet? A: The hide-and-seek champion of 1996.

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for 2 days? A: Give her a piece of paper that has "Please turn over" written on both sides.

Blonde: Today must be Sunday. Brunette: Why? Blonde: Because the sun is up.

Why did the one-handed blonde cross the road??? Bacause she wanted to go to the second hand shop...

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won’t ripen. There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she’s getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?” Her neighbor replies,”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.” She says Well, what the heck it can’t hurt to try it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. “So so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”

A blonde is driving a helicopter and it crashes. When the police come and ask the blond what happened she says, "I got cold so I turned off the big fan!"

One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head. "What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend. "Shut up! You're next!"

Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair? A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.

Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones.

While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room. After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing. She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the living room." He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked, "Why are you wearing two coats? She replied, "I read the directions on the paint can, and they said, ''For best results, put on two coats!'"

A blonde, redhead, and a brunette were thinking about what they would do if they went to space. The redhead said, "I would adopt a martian." The brunette said, "I would give Pluto some steroids." The Blonde said, "I would go to the sun." The redhead replied, "But you would burn up and die." The blonde responded, "Not if I went at night."

There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope climbing up a mountain. The rope began slipping and breaking. The brunette said, ''Girls, I'm going to let go of the rope since it can't hold all of us. Your lives are more important to me." She made a big speech about how special the blondes were. At the end of her speech, all of the blondes started clapping.

A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket. "What is that?" she asks. "Those are my golf balls." "Is that like tennis elbow?"

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Too many to count.

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?" The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

Three blondes and a brunette are hanging on the wing of an airplane in flight. The pilot tells them that they are too heavy and one of them has to get off or they will all die. After a minute, the blondes decide that the brunette should get off. "Okay, but I want these to be my last words," the brunette replies and begins to sing, "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands..."