Jokes

How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for chips.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!", the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn’t care who he hurt. The bad brother died. The good brother missed him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy. One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn’t seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other. Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don’t understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment." God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."

A blonde went fishing and there was a hole in her boat where water was leaking through. To fix it she made another hole in the boat to drain the water.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant ? Are you sure its mine.

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.

A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."

Q: What did the blonde fill in for "Salary Expected" on a job application? A: Yes.

What job did the blonde have at the M&M factory? Proofreading.

Q: Why are blonde jokes one-liners? A: So brunettes can understand them.

Q: Why did the blonde run out of shampoo so fast? A: She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!

How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? Two. One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?" "In three months."

A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her, “Honey, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!” “It’s not just one car!” said the blonde. “There’s f*ck*ng hundreds of them!”

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs? A: Unfertilized.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are all on a building about to jump off. They all jump at the same time. Which one landed last? The blonde because she asked for directions.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor askes her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other." "The bastard called again"

Sure, your hair's blonde, but I'd kill to see your blackbeard. Yar!

Q: How does a blonde part her hair?  A: By doing the splits.

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. “So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?” The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying “Ehhhh .. 22!.” The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?.” The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces “Five foot two!.” This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. “And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?” The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying “Mandy!.” The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks “Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?” “Ohh that!”, replies the blonde, “That’s just me running through ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….’

Q: What do you call an eternity? A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: What does a blonde say when she finds out she's pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

1. Why was the blonde exited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months? Because the box said 2-4 years 2. Why did the blonde sell her car? She needed gas money 3. What do u do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin, and throw it back 4. why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? To remind themselves that TOES GO IN FIRST. 5. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree 6. How do you amuse a blonde for hours? Give her a sheet of paper that says "please turn over" on both sides 7. What did the blonde bring to the super bowl? A spoon 8. What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence. 9. What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? She's trying to hold onto a thought 10. What does a blonde do when you say "it's chilly outside"? She grabs a bowl 11. What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet? Last years hide and seek champion 12. What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot

A blonde was very cold, so she sat next to the candle. She was still cold, but she was so cold that she couldn't move! She screamed until her boyfriend came. Then her boyfriend lit the candle.

Q: What are the best 10 years of a blonde's life? A: Third grade.

A blonde comes to a doctor and complains: Doc, please help: when I touch my head - it hurts, when I touch my belly - it hurts, when I touch my leg - it hurts... I know what has happened to you. And what? You've broken your finger.

A blonde walks into a electronic store and asks the manager, “Can I buy that TV” “No” “Why not?” “Because your a blonde.” So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red. She returned to the electronic store and said, “Can I buy that TV?” “No” “Why not?” “Your a blonde.” So the blonde goes and shaves her hair off and returns to the electronic store and says, “Can I buy that TV?” “No” “Why not?” “You’re a blonde” “How can you tell I’m a blonde, I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!” “Because that’s not a TV, that’s a microwave!”

Why did the Blonde pee in the Grocery Store? The sign said ''Wet Floor.''

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up. "I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair." "Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." "Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"

One day a blonde went into the library and asked the librarian, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian replied, "This is the library." Then blonde whispered, "Oh. Can I have a burger and fries?"