Jokes

Only in America: We work hard on a farm so we can move into town, where we can make more money… so we can move back to the farm.

A distraught investor called his financial advisor. “Is it true? Is my money really all gone?” he asked, wailing. “No, no, take it easy,” the advisor answered calmly. “It isn't all gone... it’s just with somebody else.”

A distraught investor called his financial advisor. “Is my money really all gone?” He wailed. “No, no,” the advisor answered calmly. “It’s just with somebody else!”

A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port of France, and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places. Oui monsieur; what is the destination port for this load? I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil. Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal? Why is that sir? If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese; of course!

An Israeli author was searching for a book store that would allow him to schedule a booksigning to promote his new novel. Book store after book store refused him with one disapproving commment after the other. Finally, the author seized on the idea that he should contact the specialty stores for his proposed booksigning. He had the idea to contact a feminist book store and his call was screened by the store's assistant manager. Upon insistence, by the author, that he speak directly with the manager; an angry manager took the phone to explain why the author was being refused a booksigning. "IT'S BECAUSE THE HEBREW WORD FOR: SHE!....IS: HE!" And with those words the author heard a telephone being slammed down loudly, in his ear.

Jim, a collections specialist, was on his first day of work for his new employer and was assigned to collect a past due balance from a company that was a customer of his employer. He had been provided with a standard script that he was to use where he was to ask for "Accounts Payable" when calling the customer, so that he could talk with someone about the payment of the past due bill. He made the call, asked the receptionist for "Accounts Payable", and waited for what seemed to be forever on hold. Finally, after a very long time, the receptionist, who was also on her first day on the job and new to the world of business, came back on the phone and stated, "I am sorry, but I have looked down our list of employees and I do not find anyone named Accounts Payable."

Regarding Face book Co-founder Edward Saverin's renouncing his US citizenship to avoid paying taxes. One thing for which you have to give Obama credit for when he took office, one of the biggest problems was illegal immigrants streaming over our border. 3 1/2 years later he's sure cured that problem. Now many are trying to get out. (To avoid paying taxes)

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, and then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Doyle” “why would you say that?” wondered the broker. “Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”

“My son decided to go into business on a shoestring,” said Sal. “He has tripled his investment, but he’s still not satisfied, can you believe it?” “Why not?” asked his body Lance. “He can’t think of anything to do with three shoestrings.”

Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.00!”

I stand behind every car I sell said the previously owned sales rep. I help push it!

The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant, His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?” The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid, so he asked his collections manager to leave a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.” The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

A customer at the counter of a garden ornament shop said to the cashier, “Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of those sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandmas in bloomers.” The cashier replied, “That’ll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten for the flamingos, six for the sunflowers, and an apology for my wife!”

The economy is so bad that:If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac got together and got married in Loan Town, USA. And had a baby the banks called Foreclosure, and they lived unhappily ever after in their new economy life styles.

Kathy goes to her local bank, walks into the manager’s office, and says, “I want a loan; I am going to divorce my husband.” “Oh, we don’t give loans for divorces,” the manager says. “We offer loans only for things like real estate, appliances, automobiles, businesses, and home improvement.” Kathy interrupts: “Stop right there. This definitely falls into the category of ‘Home Improvement.’”

The income tax expert was visiting the school to talk about taxes. “I’m going to tell you now about “indirect” taxes. Can anybody tell me what an indirect tax is?” “A dog license,” said Smart Josh. “And why is that?” asked the expert. “The dog doesn’t pay it,” replied Josh.

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER -- What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

A manager was soliciting resumes through a recruitment agency to fill in a senior staff member who had just resigned. The next day the recruitment agent came in to meet the manager and beaming he handed over a resume and said, "M'am, we have got just the right person you are looking for. The manager after skimming through the resume was visibly upset. Puzzled, the recruitment agent enquired what the matter was. The manager replied, "This candidate on the resume is the best we've got in our department".

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.” Alarm that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?” “Lollipops,” was the reply.

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer. “As you are fitting her glasses, if she asks how much they cost, you say ‘$150.’ “If her eyes don’t flutter, say, ‘For the frames. The lenses will be $100.’ “If her eyes still don’t flutter, you add, ‘Each.’”

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting in front of a church and they each had charity boxes in front of them to collect money. The church goers that were passing by couldn't believe the nerve of the rabbi, and purposely threw large sums of money into the priest's charity box to spite the rabbi. Finally one of the passer-by had sympathy on the rabbi, and advised him, "Go to a synagogue and collect there, you'll have more success." The Rabbi thanked the passer-by, and then turned to the priest and said, "You here that, Yankel; he's telling us how to do business."

A man was cleaning out old clothes from his closet, planning to give them to charity. In the pocket of a suit coat he found a shoe-repair ticket, about ten years old. "I believe that place is still in business," he thought, so he went down to the shop. Without saying anything, he presented the ticket. The man behind the counter looked at the number and said, "I'll have them for you tomorrow."

Q. When does a job get complete in Government? A. When it can no longer be postponed.

What’s this daily charge for ‘fruit’? The hotel guess asked the manager. “We didn’t eat any.” “But the fruit was place in your room every day. It isn’t our fault you didn’t take advantage of it.” “I see,” said the man as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill “What are you doing”? Sputtered the manager. “I’m subtracting 50 dollars a day for your kissing my wife.” “What? I didn’t kiss your wife.” “Ah,” replied the man, “but she was there.”

And how is your customer service”? Asked a skeptical customer to the used car dealer. “Oh, that’s first class. Anybody who buys a car from us gets a free copy of the latest railroad train schedules!”

So Bill Gates and the chairman of GM are arguing over which company is better. Bill Gates boast, " If cars grew in technology as fast as computers did, we would be driving v-32 instead of v-8, our cars would get 5000 miles to the gallon, the top speed would be mach seven. Anyway the sticker price for a car would be 50 dollars." And which the GM replies, " Sure, but would you really want a car that crashes 4 times a day!"

When a plague of flying ants caused the performance at a variety theater to end prematurely, the manager sent a message to his agent: “Show stopped by flying ants!” The agent replied “Book’em for another week”