Jokes

How do you keep a Blonde busy? Give the Blonde a piece of paper that has the words 'Turn Over' on both sides!

Q. Why don't blondes eat Jello? A. They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

A midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on him. “Hey you, brunette, watch where you're going,” yells the midget. The blonde looks down and says, “I am not a brunette, I am a blonde.” The midget replies, “Not from where I'm standing.”

A blonde watching the news hears that 2 Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident. She cries and says, "Oh my god, how many is a brazilian?"

One day a brunette walked into a bar filled with blondes. Everyone was chanting, "Fifty-one days! Fifty-one days!" Then two more blondes walked in and joined in chanting, "Fifty-one days! Fifty-one days!" Confused, the brunette asked blonde bartender, "Why is everyone chanting 'Fifty-one days'?" The bartender answered, "Our bar patrons over there finished a puzzle in only fifty-one days, even though the box said 'two to four years'!"

A blonde sits down in a bar next to a redhead. Both of them are having a good time when the news comes on the TV. The woman reporter shouts out 'This just in! A man Is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump' The redhead leans over to the blonde and whispers, 'I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump.' The blonde responds 'You're on.' So, both of the women stare at the news waiting to find out what happens next. Finally, the man jumps. The blonde turns to the redhead and hands her the $50. The redhead, feeling guilty, says 'I can't take that money. I saw the news earlier this morning. I knew he was going to jump off the cliff.' The blonde says, 'Well, I saw too. But I never wouls have thought that he'd do it again.'

One day a man walked into the doctor’s office to find out the results of his annual check up. “I’m not going to beat around the bush Mr. Smith,” said the doctor, “There is good news and there is bad news. Which do you want to hear first?” “Tell me the bad news first,” replied the man. “Well,” said the doctor, “the bad news is that you have only 48 hours to live!” The man suddenly starts to sob uncontrollably and eventually says, “Oh my God, what am I going to do? Is there no cure for what I have?” “I’m afraid not sir,” replied the doctor, “I’m sorry but you will certainly not last more than 48 hours.” “But I thought you said there was good news.” asked the man. “Oh yes,” replied the doctor, “I nearly forgot to tell you! You know the beautiful nurse at reception when you came in?” “Yes!” replied the man. “The blonde in the tight white uniform?” asked the doctor. “Yeah,” replied the man, beaming, “the one with the big t*ts!” “That’s right,” said the doctor, “The good news is I’m shagging her!”

What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates? A mobile sperm bank!

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning? A: A visitor.

A guy driving his car asks his blonde girlfriend to stick her head out of the window and check to see if the blinkers are working, she sticks her head out and tells the boyfriend to go ahead I'm looking at them. He then replies okay honey are they working or not? She replies back--yes,no,yes,no,yes,no,yes,no,yes,no,yes,no

A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar.

After the helicopter crash, the blond pilot was asked what happened. She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off."

Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

A blonde working in the coffin industry was thinking of various ways to improve her business. She thought perhaps a good way to do it would be to emulate the success of the fashion store across the street which had done very well with it's new "Buy 1, Get 1 Free" deal. Soon, a man walks in. "I would like a coffin for my father. But these coffins are very expensive!" "Well, sir, you'll be happy to know we have a 'Buy 1, Get 1 Free' deal!" The customer left.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business. While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream. Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

Two blondes drive through the middle of Kansas, surrounded entirely by wheat fields. One blonde says, "Look over there!" They see another blonde in scuba gear acting like she's swimming through the wheat. The blonde driving says, "It's girls like that who give us blondes a bad name." The other blonde says, "Yeah! And if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and tell her off."

When you think that you are looking at Chuck Norris' picture, think again... he's looking at you.

Two blondes where driving to Disneyland they pasted a sign that said Disneyland Left, and they went home crying.

What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? An Air Bag.

It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy. I went into his office for my very first rectal exam. His new blond nurse, Ethel, took me to an examining room. She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: A Tube of K-Y jelly, A rubber glove And a beer. - - When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, “Look Doc, I’m a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?” At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse: “Damn it, Ethel! I said a BUTT light. ====

Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits? A: The blonde, because she's 18.

Three blondes were walking through a forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think these are bird tracks." The second blonde looked at them and said, "No, these are deer tracks." The third blonde looked down, and BOOM!!! she gets run over by a train.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?  A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

AT WORK, Michael: Why you white guys always so happy? Casey: Because I make love to my wife every morning before work. Michael: Say whaaat? You get her to make love EVERY morning? How do you do that? Casey: It's easy, I just say a poem, women love poems and will fall for them all the time. Michael: Ok, what kind of poem can you say to make her make love every morning? Casey: I say, "blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes of blue, I love to wake up and make love to you. Michael: HAHAAA she falls for that? Casey: yes you should try it. NEXT DAY TYRONE COMES IN WITH BLACK EYE FAT LIP AND A TOOTH MISSING. Casey: What happened to you? Michael: Well, I said a poem to my wife and she didn't like it. Casey: She didn't like it? What did you say? Michael: Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, if I could roll your fat ass over I would do you like a dog.

So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?" She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it.

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

Anna had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over, so she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee. "Jeeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?" "Well, Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed" "But my dress?" "It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up" "But what about my underwear?" "I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them". "What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!" "Only the first time, Madam."